“I’m 95 percent positive that we’ll be canceling the wedding, and I wanted to see if we could get our deposit back,” I wrote that April day. This was the wedding venue for which I’d searched for months, the address that was printed eloquently on the invitations that were going out in just one week. This is where, in three
Read moreI hate myself sometimes–my face, my body, or even my hair when it won’t go quite exactly how I want it to go. Since I was 13 years old, my weight has remained fairly constant, but my height has changed by around a foot. In a span of a few years, I went from awkward overweight child to awkward underweight
Read moreBeing a guy sucks sometimes. I mean, aside from having to constantly monitor all these fragile dangly parts that we absolutely positively must keep out of the way of zippers, rogue knees, and hand rails (although that last one really only applies if we’re doing rail slides on a skateboard), we’re also trained from an early age that we’re not
Read moreLadies, meet Scott. That’s him in the middle in the photo. Yes, the one with the mane of hair and the pager clipped to his jeans. Scott and I were fraternity brothers at UCLA, and for as long as I’ve known him, he has epitomized the term “chick magnet.” Within the fraternity, there was a standing air of mystification over
Read moreWhen people hear I’m engaged, the most common question they ask is, “How’s the wedding planning going?” This question usually leads right into the second most common question: “So, are you going to let your fiance have a bachelor party?” This, my chiropractor just asked me, as he was cracking my back and popping my bones back into place last
Read moreImagine the scene…. A balmy February evening with a luxurious yacht skimming along the water. On board are couples in love. To surprise Jane, John has two tickets for this Valentine’s Day moonlit cruise around the harbor. On the drive to the dock, John remains tight lipped, frustrating Jane. She anxiously clutches the bouquet of her favorite flowers, wondering what
Read moreWork sucks. Now, I don’t know that I’m entitled to dislike my job more than anyone else. But I’d like to think I have a pretty good reason: I work in a VIP bar that has me face-to-face with spoiled millionaires almost every single day. And even when there aren’t any millionaires around, there are plenty of a-holes with more
Read moreTwo rhetorical questions: When you pay a loan broker based on the total number of loans he doles out, without considering whether or not the borrowers will actually be able to repay these loans, what happens? When you pay a CEO based on the short-term profits he generates, rather than the long-term stability of the company, what happens? Unless you
Read moreI had been laid off. I had nothing to do. And lethargy doesn’t suit me. I felt like the anxiety was going to overwhelm me. I’m a worrier by nature, and the impending financial disaster, the lack of health insurance, and the embarrassment all made me feel hopeless. My first thought was to run home. Live with Mommy, and work
Read moreIt’s never my intention to go out to a bar hoping to get laid. I never think, Tonight, I will be balls deep. I just know it! I try to let these things happen with no expectations. Sometimes, though, there are complications…. I was out with some friends one night. Buzzing after six or so happy hour drinks, I started
Read moreOnce upon a time, I walked into a bar on the Upper West Side to meet one of my J-day-tay dates (or what you might know as JDate). I was looking forward to meeting this very tall, very handsome stranger. He was from Kentucky, and Jewish. Over the phone, he had a southern twang of some kind. Or so I
Read moreSo here I am. I’m wondering what I could have done to prevent any of it, to take it back, to prepare myself. Three months later, I’m still drawing a blank. The high-end audio-visual systems industry didn’t feel the sting of the recession right away. We survived the first two or three years on projects that had received funding prior to
Read moreLadies, have you ever complained about the insensitive boyfriend who couldn’t pick up on the fact that you were having a bad day, even though you told him you were fine? Gentlemen, have you ever been called a conceited ass for thinking a girl was going to sleep with you, when she came over with only platonic intentions in mind?
Read moreI met Ramona in Vegas. We only spent a couple hours together the night we met. Yet, neither of us had ever connected so deeply with another human being in such a short period of time. We didn’t even have an actual conversation until I called her a few weeks later. I was so nervous, I felt like I was
Read moreAfter discovering I could get women to chase me, I’ve collected some priceless stories. But is that really how I want to talk about my future girlfriend or wife? With stories of how I got her to jump through all of my hoops? Of course not. The kind of woman I want to spend the rest of my life with won’t
Read moreRecently, a friend and I were talking about the newborn baby of another friend. We were discussing all of the usual mundane stuff, like whom the baby resembled, when she commented, “at least he’s fair-skinned.” What the…? I couldn’t believe my friend had said that. Hasn’t my generation moved beyond this crippling, oppressive, racist mind-virus? My generation is supposed to
Read moreClyde and I are getting married. This means I’ve suddenly turned into a wedding planner. In case you’ve never gone through this process before, allow me to say that it’s a special kind of pain. Fellas, be prepared to see a whole ‘nother side of the woman you love enough to hand over a small mountain of cash in return
Read moreIn the middle of the night in downtown Paterson, New Jersey, 30 years ago, a young woman sat upright in her bed, all alone. She had a phone for the night nurse next to the bed, but aside from her nerves, there was nothing wrong with her. The doctors would see her at 8:00 AM. Until then, her only company was the seven-pound, two-ounce baby
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So, maybe that’s how it really works:
Women get over their exes by not having sex with them. Because sex involves those creepy love hormones for women.
And men get over their exes by not talking intimately with them. Because talking involves those creepy love hormones for men.
Read moreThis year, Valentine’s Day came and went with nary a card, a box of chocolates, or even the usual fighting between my preschool students for the honor of calling me their “girlfriend.” Can you blame me for being depressed? I began serial dating in August. And by “serial dating,” I mean that I challenged myself to go out with 30
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