If I Chase You, I May Fall For You
I met Ramona in Vegas.
We only spent a couple hours together the night we met. Yet, neither of us had ever connected so deeply with another human being in such a short period of time.
We didn’t even have an actual conversation until I called her a few weeks later. I was so nervous, I felt like I was back in middle school calling a crush for the first time. I invited her to come down to San Diego the next week.
All the giddy little school kids in the world had nothing on me the morning she arrived. She went in for the kiss, and I awkwardly hugged her. I stumbled over my words. I couldn’t even hold eye contact with her.
I finally managed to relax, and the rest of the day couldn’t have gone any better. I loved being with her, and yet, I was uncomfortable being myself around her. Her presence made me want to be more than just myself.
A week later, she came to see me while I was in Los Angeles, and we went out to a bar with some friends. I was suffering from a cough, and without so much as a hint from me, she got up and returned a few minutes later with drinks for us. Smiling, she said, “I asked the bartender to make you something for your throat.”
It was such a simple gesture, but it meant the world to me.
Later that week, I went to see her, and while we were lying in bed, those three little words almost slipped out.
Whoa. At this point, I was afraid I might be falling faster than she was, so I backed off. I decided I’d try to get her to chase me. Because back then, I still thought that if a woman were interested in me, she would pursue me, too, right?
Unfortunately, she didn’t. And the longer we continued to see each other, the more often I asked myself, “How can she tell me she’s never felt this way around someone before and yet never call me or text me to chat or make plans? Why am I always the one initiating those things? Why am I always the one chasing!?”
From then on, things between us were rocky. We never fought. We just gave each other a few weeks of space each time one of us thought the other didn’t care. I could never tell how she really felt about me, and she could never tell how I really felt about her.
Months later, she suggested that we sit down and talk. Of course, I knew why.
Everything always felt perfect when we were together. And that evening was almost no different. She was hesitant at first, but eventually the words escaped:
“I don’t want to enter into a relationship knowing it won’t last.”
Won’t last? How could she possibly know it won’t last?
Because I literally told her it wouldn’t.
For the six months we were seeing each other, I did nothing but reinforce the idea in her head that I didn’t want anything more than to see her on a casual basis. I was trying to get her to chase me, and all it did was make her think I didn’t care about her. On top of that, I told her that although I wanted to be with her, I only saw relationships as temporary life experiences to help me learn more about myself.
Good job, self. You’re an idiot.
Deep down, however, I knew that if I were to be in a relationship with her, it would last. And that scared me. I didn’t want to give up my single life. But I never considered what I’d be gaining and how worthwhile it might actually be.
I foolishly argued with her that evening, not comprehending that she had already made her decision. She left that night, reluctantly and in tears, but I’ll never forget what she said to me:
“I’m truly happy around you. That’s why I don’t want it to be temporary.”
I tried to sleep, but it had been a long time since I cried that hard. I didn’t think the tears would ever stop. I passed out and woke up an hour later, only to scramble for my phone, hoping to see a missed call, or a text message. Anything. I didn’t want to believe I just said goodbye to the only woman I’d ever cared so deeply for.
Three days later, I finally realized how madly in love with her I was. Even though it had been so obvious to my friends, I thought it was too ridiculous to be true. I had told her that the night she brought me those two drinks was when I realized I really liked her. But I was lying, to her and to myself. That wasn’t the night I realized I really liked her. That was the night I fell for her.
I took a few days to think about what I wanted to say, woke up early one morning, and drove up to see her. My plan was to make myself completely vulnerable to her, in hopes that she would let her guard down and allow herself to feel the same way. She agreed to see me, and she heard me out. But after everything was said, she sat there, confused. She told me she had no idea I felt that way about her. She didn’t understand how she could have such amazing chemistry with a guy, yet go weeks without hearing anything from him.
Regardless, she was happy to see me and asked me to spend the rest of the day with her. On the outside, I calmly obliged. On the inside, I was celebrating as if I had just gotten down on one knee and she had said yes.
I was the happiest guy on the face of the planet when I woke up the next morning and found her in my arms. I finally gave it my all, and it paid off.
Or so I thought.
She asked me to give her some time to explore her feelings. She never let herself get too attached to me, so she wasn’t sure how she felt anymore.
Two weeks later, I received the call. She told me what I had already prepared myself to hear, but was still terrified to face.
It was over.
I may always consider Ramona “the one that got away.” But in the end, my experience with her helped me to understand how I fucked up so bad. The deeper I fell in love with her, the more I held back. And the more I held back, the harder she tried not to get attached. She never knew just how special she was to me until it was too late, until her feelings had long since faded.
I know now that those women worth keeping in my life, the women worth exhausting every last effort to be with, are the same women who won’t sit around and wait for me to stop playing my games.
So from now on…
If I am interested, I will pursue her.
When in doubt, chase the girl. 😉
Life lessons learned the hard way, eh? That’s how I seem to learn all of mine.
As much as I prefer learning things the hard way, this is one of those I hope I never have to repeat 😉
This just reinforces for me that it’s not the girls chasing you that you don’t like but that you’re just not feeling them. Which is fine, but the way you write about it makes it seem like a girl can’t do anything without being labeled as a clinger. If one of the other girls in the previous article took it upon themselves to get you a drink, being so thoughtful as to consider your throat, you’d most likely recoil and say they were coming on too strong and being too relatshionship-y. Ramona got away with it because you had that mysterious chemistry with her.
It’s not that they can’t do anything, it’s when they try to speed up the process of becoming my “girlfriend” that they get labeled as a clinger. In my mind the guy leads and the woman paces. If a guy is moving things too fast the woman slows things down. If a guy is moving too slow, or not at all, well, to me that shows he’s not really interested in the girl to begin with. That’s what happened with Ramona. She didn’t think I was really that interested in her because I wasn’t making an effort to move things forward. Instead, by trying to get her to chase me I was trying to get her to move things forward.
Perception is reality. Because I wasn’t really interested in the other girls I probably would have perceived it as an attempt by them to make me like them more. Coming from Ramona, I viewed it as a genuinely thoughtful gesture.
In all fairness, there is something strictly irrational about attraction. In my early years, I broke up with plenty perfectly nice guys. Why? There was no “click.” It was nothing they had done, or hadn’t done but something wasn’t there.
When I met hubby, I fell fast and hard. So much so that I was terrified that he would think I was over-into him. I too found myself almost blurting out those three little words WAAAAAY too soon. I was convinced I would get the same treatment I had given the poor guys who seemed way too into me.
But fortunately, he was feeling exactly the same way (minus the paranoia of my dumping him) and we were able to figure it out.
But it makes my heart hurt that it didn’t work out.
And I’m glad to see a situation like mine turned out well for someone out there 😉
I dunno man. I still feel like if you don’t play games you won’t end up losing them. Although maybe my distaste for relationship games would just make us incompatible as people.
Different strokes for different folks 😉
what goes around comes around. on the other hand, what goes around comes around. you two might find each other again later on down the road. and when that happens, star light and unicorns will come out!
Hhaha star light and unicorns EVERYWHERE!
It still feels like the real question is whether or not Ramona’s refusal to play your game was the main attraction or simply a side note. If Ramona had initiated plans and texted and called, even only once to every three times you initiated plans, would that have run you off? Could she have ruined the situation with late night text messages while drinking with friends?
I truly believe that in the early stages of relationships, a little silence on the girl’s part can go a long way. But, I don’t like the idea that I could become instantly less attractive simply by calling a guy I was dating when I had something to say. But then again, if y’all only saw each other every few months I guess y’all weren’t actually dating.
You probably told her all those things because even though she was the kind of person you wanted to be with, you weren’t actually available, and she was smart enough to see that. Maybe you are available now, but you weren’t when you were telling her those things.
I would say her refusal to play my game was a side note since we both knew we had amazing chemistry the night we met. If I stop and think about it I can say her initiating plans/texts/calls probably wouldn’t have run me off, but it probably wouldn’t have intensified my desire to be with her either since I may not have been thinking about her as much. Late night drunk texts, I honestly can’t even imagine her doing that… it never even crossed my mind to drunk text her, which amazes me with all the drunk texting I tend to do.
I agree completely on the “little silence” remark. It does wonders for charging my curiosity. I’m dealing with it right now with a girl I just started seeing and even though I “know” she’s into me I can’t help but wonder if she really is or not, just because I’m the one initiating all the texts/calls.
I still believe if I had just sucked it up in the beginning and pursued her that we would be together. Obviously I can’t know that for sure, but based on the conversations we had toward the end I could make a case for it… live with no regrets though, right?
Rick, you need to grow up, when that happens you will stop playing all your games
Grow up? Well that sounds boring
Rick Allan….on behalf of all of the people who read these columns…..we just want to point out that you yourself seem to NOT be getting social hints so well….what i mean is…please stop commenting…we get that you have this great life of booty calls and your loving it….please continue loving it, but discontinue commenting on anything…..we think your an ass and the best example of what women dont want that we have seen in a long time…but we only need so many examples…you have left enough…thanks for all your help….
First, thank you for speaking on behalf of everyone. I’m sure they’re grateful.
Third, I’ll have to rephrase the following statement for you:
“the best example of what women dont want”
“the best example of what women think they dont want”
If the former was actually true, then I wouldn’t have the success with women that I do since they would all hate me as much you’d love to think they do. Unfortunately for you and all the women who despise me and men like me, for every woman like you there is another woman willing to throw herself at me, and many more in between the two extremes that aren’t quite sure how they feel about me and can either be turned on or turned off by me.
Like I’ve stated before, my personality is polarizing, people (usually) either love me or hate me within a few minutes of meeting me. Fortunately I’ve learned to listen to the criticism and then ignore those people who hate me and what I represent because my energy is better spent developing the relationships with people who love and appreciate me. (I know, it’s amazing that there are people out there who actually want me around, huh? So much for Karma.)
And WHY was this comment even appropriate for THIS post? This entire article is about the side of me that yearns for a genuine relationship with a woman I care very deeply for.
And not only that, but no where in this article or the comments do I act or speak in anyway that I feel makes me come across as a douche.
WOW OH FUKKING WOW — YOU PLAYED THE GAME (FUNDAMENTALLY OUT OF EGO AND SELFISHNESS) AND THE IRONY IS THAT THE GAME PLAYED YOU. RICKY, HOW COULD YOU? i get it, noone wants to be vulnerable. DONT TAKE HER REJECTION AT FACE VALUE. GO AFTER HER!! LET HER REJECT YOU 12 TIMES BEFORE YOU THROW IN THE TOWEL,, DO YOU HEAR ME? 12 TIMES.. you have to give her all the power back,,, the power you tried to steal from her by holding back. …….
I read all your articles and I think you’re a promising writer for what you are willing to tell us regardless of the possible repercussions. You do get a lot of flak for revealing your private thoughts and I think people get too worked up over your private thoughts. (like chill, he didnt sleep with you so why would you care?)
So, if anything, I just want to tell you to keep writing. It’s truly refreshing to hear such honesty in this politically correct world.