Casual Sex Isn’t As Great As I Thought It Would Be
Image by Buero Monaco
For nine months during my first year of university, I was in a casual relationship with two different women.
Right. This is where most people expect macho bragging, but I’m actually not going to do that. It was great… for awhile. But ultimately, I broke it off because I couldn’t deal with being used for sex. As a guy, I feel incredibly weird just typing that out, but it’s how I felt.
Of the few people I’ve told, the result has always been high-fives and pats on the back. Even when I told my mother, her response was a simple, “Good for you son! Glad to see you’re enjoying university.”
The first girl was my girlfriend before the start of university. We broke up with the understanding that university is a time to enjoy yourself and not be tied down to another person, but we somehow ended up living in the same town.
One night, I received a message asking me to come over. I had to muster up a good amount of willpower, but my reply was no. We were supposed to be meeting new people, and I didn’t want to retread the same path.
Several days later, the same thing happened. Again, I said no. Finally, a week later, she was a lot clearer and simply messaged saying, “I only want sex.”
This time, I agreed. Soon, this became a regular occurrence: She would send me a message, and I would go round to her house. It seemed like the best deal on earth at the time (and this was when I was living in a place that had 50-pence drinks and free sandwich parties).
The second girl, I met at a party. We got drunk and spent the night together. The next morning, we parted ways amicably, and I thought nothing more of it until I received a message a few days later. Not wanting to pursue a relationship with this girl, I replied no. But as before, I received a second message stating, “I only want sex.”
I agreed, and this became another casual relationship.
Being desired in this way by two women was a huge ego boost. I won’t deny that. After these two relationships, I stopped getting that nervous awkward feeling I used to get when speaking to women. I was able to make some really close female friends, something I’d never been able to do before. The confidence boost also made me a more social person in day-to-day life, something friends and family commented on.
But then one day, I came to a realization that transformed the huge ego boost into a huge ego blow.
The day that my friends and I finished our first-year exams, we were sitting in our room with a whole bunch of junk food, prepared to hang out one last time before summer. It was at this point that I got a familiar message. Only this time, my answer (for the first time in months) was no. At that moment, I just wanted to spend time with my friends. That was more important to me right then than sex.
A few minutes later, I got another abrupt and angry message: “Fine, I’ll just get someone else when I go out tonight.”
That’s when it hit me. I was just being used. I was just a convenient peg, and either girl was fully capable of going out and finding another one. They just didn’t, because it was easier to get me to come to them. As great as it had felt to be desired by two women, it didn’t exactly feel so great to realize that I was only desired for sex, that I was only desirable because I was convenient.
I sent each girl a message saying it was over. I simply didn’t want to be an easy lay for them anymore.
Not unexpectedly, those I’ve shared this story with didn’t understand why I felt bad. The answers I got were always something along the lines of, “But you was having sex with two women? Man up.” Which only made me feel worse, really. I did enjoy the sex at the time, but the feeling that I was only being used for a single purpose really got to me after a while. Being told I was simply a means to an end was something I didn’t appreciate, and the fact that replacing me was as simple as going to a nightclub took away all the good feelings that went with being intimate. And, I have to admit, I can’t help but feel mistrustful of women after both of these experiences.
Don’t get me wrong. There is absolutely nothing to stop or prevent someone from pursuing this sort of relationship. And I do believe it’s possible to do so without hurting anyone… as long as we communicate properly. Before we dive into a purely physical relationship, we have to make sure both parties are able to understand that sex is simple and can easily be replaced. Otherwise, someone could end up being hurt.
And it’s not always the woman.
Hmm, maybe I’m not getting it so I went back and read the last two paragraphs again. Nope, still not getting it.
Okay, so the first woman in your being used for sex example was someone you were previously in a relationship with. You had questions when the first couple of invites were extended, but then indulged. I’m not hearing that you had bad sexual encounters but you comment that her actions made you mistrustful of women.
Why?
Was there something promised, some expectation you were left with each time the two of you got together that would cause mistrust?
Same confusion with your second university experience example – the random one night stand chick who wanted you back for a little more.
Were you in a state of mind of actually being interested in more than just casual sex?
If so, you sure didn’t mention any of that here.
For what it’s worth I guess I can understand your decision of not having more than one casual partner because yes, it can get a little confusing.
Positive out of this experience? The gained self-esteem right?
It actually damaged my self esteem, but I learnt a lesson about having my cake and eating it.
“For nine months during my first year of university, I was in a casual relationship with two different women.
Right. This is where most people expect macho bragging…” ha ha ha, oh my god this was so hilarious! Dude, just TWO women, in NINE months?! And guys would actually brag about this?! Ha ha ha, that’s just awesome! ;P
Now, seriously, I get that different people with different personalities and cultural values have different understanding of what promiscuity means; for me, having casual sex with two women in nine months (even if it’s for more than one time) is definitely nothing to brag about (unless you were having sex with both of them at the same time – that changes everything… 😉 ). Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a promiscuous person (at all, though a part of me wishes I was *sigh…*), and unfortunately I have nothing to brag about, so I’m not judging you or anything, I just thought the beginning lines were very funny…
Now onto the not being gotten part: I don’t get casual sex. Again, don’t get me wrong: I do know lust. Especially now that is summer and I see a lot of gorgeous women dressed very sexy, exposing their skin and curves, and I do yearn soo much to intimately enjoy their bodies, their scent and their taste… yum! BUT I cannot do it!!! Not because I can’t score with hot women, but because I cannot do it just for a purely physical relation. Yet again, don’t get me wrong: I have NOTHING against a purely physical relation, it’s just that such a thing is not enough for me. The point of doing it with a (real) woman is to experience her in her entirety – physically, emotionally and intellectually. That means we actually have to get to know and like each other before jumping into bed (please note that being an actual couple is not required). Just having “pure” sex with a women feels too much like masturbation to me, which pretty much defeats the purpose of doing it with a real person. What’s my point? Well, I don’t actually have one, just wanted to bring my view of things to the table…
“And, I have to admit, I can’t help but feel mistrustful of women after both of these experiences” – Hmm, maybe it’s YOURSELF who you should be mistrustful of; after all, it’s your own fault that you entered the situation you described – this actually ties in with “How Women Reinforce Douchebaggery” article, as in the problem lies with you, not the women who have used you. Besides, I don’t understand how you could get those good feelings that come with being intimate if you were just having sex – methinks that it’s quite a lot more about this story that has not been exposed in this article…
I completely agree with your conclusion Mr. Isaac, proper communication is a must; although, when you’re horny, your priorities kinda tend to be skewed towards getting laid, with less regard for the other person’s feelings…
1) I can’t speak for Isaac, but for me a casual relationship lasting nine months is impressive considering mine average 3-4 months (about to hit the 2-month mark with the current one, beginning of the end I guess).
2) Once again I can’t speak for Isaac, but it seems he was referring to the casual relationships when he made the comment about bragging, not necessarily promiscuity, especially since I saw no mention of the word or anything related to it.
3) He might have left this out, but there’s nothing to say he wasn’t with other women in that nine month period.
Anyway…
Like your definition of promiscuity, casual sex can have different meanings to different people. There are no hard and fast rules that say casual sex can’t be more than just a physical act. My casual relationships are usually with women I genuinely find attractive and enjoy spending time with so there will always be an emotional component to what we have, but it will never be as strong as what I would have with a woman I choose to be exclusive with.
Also, just like sex with one’s significant other can fall within the spectrum of shitty to decent to amazing, so can casual sex. If you just happen to meet someone at a bar that you’re incredibly compatible with sexually, that one night stand can turn out to be some of the best sex you’ll ever have. The best sex I had all summer was a one night stand… in the back of a Hummer (go figure).
That’s one of the reasons I post comments here, so that people can explain to me their own perspective on things.
And yes, for me promiscuity = having casual relations on a somewhat regular basis.
To respond Andrei. The bragging was reffering to the fact I essentially had two women asking me to sleep with them for 9 months straight. That isn’t to say I didn’t pursue other relationships, but those have no bearing on this article so are not worth mentioning.
Thank you for reading.
@Isaac Kennedy Yup, that IS reason for bragging (still no threesomes, though?).
Hope I didn’t offend you with my silly jokes, I did enjoy reading the article, but I would love it if you would give a bit more details in a future article. I think you can do that without giving up your privacy, and it would help us (the readers) get a clearer picture of what you’ve been through and of how it has changed you.
If he did, I’d probably cut them.
We’re not here to tell complete life stories of ourselves. No, we’re here to share the individual life lessons we’ve learned — basically, snapshots of ourselves.
If the next snapshot Isaac provides requires the details you’re curious about, they’ll be in there. If not, then you’ll just have to wait for the snapshot after that.
It’s how we keep people coming back, ya know? 😉
Dennis is aware of my real world self. We’re sort of friends in the real world, it’s pretty cool. However, there are obviously aspects of my life I’m not comfortable sharing, even under a guise of anonimity.
If people want to know about me they know how to contact me, but my articles for this site will be written in the style Dennis asks. It’s his site after all.
This was really interesting! Although, it totally makes me stand by my belief that texting is a horrible means to communicate in all relationships — casual or otherwise. Let’s just say, for a second, that the girl who texted you about finding someone else at the club was really just hurt that you turned her down, and that text was just a childish response — not something she really meant. OR, she could have even just been teasing you lightheartedly. I realize that doesn’t change the fact that you were feeling used, but it kind of puts a different spin on how “replaceable” you were to them.
Sure, it’s easy for girls to get laid. But it’s NOT easy for them to find someone who a) they trust, b) is good at it, and c) they’re attracted to. So in all honesty, from a female’s perspective, you really should take it as a compliment. You probably weren’t as “cheap” and undervalued as you think… But in the end, all that doesn’t really matter. You have to go with your gut. Which you did, regardless of what other people think, so bravo. 😉 (Besides, that whole situation might have made it really difficult for you to start dating someone more seriously down the road.)
Well said, Katie, I couldn’t agree more.
Katie I’m a fragile flower of a human being, that comment even if the girl didn’t mean it shattered my self esteem.
Although I’m now smarter as a result and more confident in my abilities to please a woman or suitably attractive cyborg.
Thanks, Rick! We seem to think a lot alike. In fact, if I weren’t married and… you know… a female… I’d probably be you. 😉
Isaac, I just hope my comment made you see that maybe the girl didn’t mean what you thought she meant, and that you are, in fact, worth more than you think. And if you’re even MORE confident in your abilities now, I’m betting she’s greatly resenting her choice to send you that text. 🙂
Hahaaha those are two very key differences 😉
I love London. I’ve lived here pretty happily for fifteen years. Saying that, isn’t being able to tamp down on that whole emotion thing an English speciality?
casual sex is cheap, easy and nothing special its dead.. when your totally in love with someone the making love is amazing and the connection stays.. rather casual sex dies and your emotion is left just EH…. some people would argue but thats what i want!!! that makes me sad.. because love will always win and the reason why people say that is because they dont know any better…
i feel sorry for people caught up in the idea that casual sex is amazing when its naive, a waste and you feel nothing… love is SOOOO much better…
it makes me sad that people underestimate the power of true love… its not scary..
at the end of the day.. casual sex is careless and not an accomplishment.. either of you could die and that person wouldn’t give a rat’s behind… oh that was my sex partner.. what a pity he died… even though he didn’t do anything like.. oh i dont know.. make an impact on the world..
Sex is just bullshit, don’t watch television and hollywood! Happiness has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with “sex”.
I think in this article and the way it is written, I cant help but notice the amount of begging for acknowledgement that you made the right decision and forcefully trying sound like you’ve fixed a “mistake” and you have learned a valuable lesson that we can all agree from? personally, I don’t think its working. None of the guys I am sure who have read you’re article understands what is going through you’re head. Most of them are left dumb-founded why you are placing the blame on them when the issue is with you. You fucked up! You lost the perfect relations you have with these girls and here you are trying to cope with the loss and so you come up with this pseudo profound bullshit of an article so that you feel better about yourself and the decision you made. Hmph