Making The Case For The Single Guy
How could Rob Gordon say no to Caroline Fortis?
The running joke amongst my friends is that people who are married (or hell, even people in a committed monogamous relationship) absolutely hate their single male friends. I know this is true because they are always trying to set me up on dates with their co-worker, or college friend, or sister’s ex-roommate’s cousin, in the hopes that I will find true love and therefore no longer be single.
It comes across as sweet enough—they want me to feel the same level of spiritual and emotional connection with another person that they share. But there’s a part of me that distrusts their innocent intentions. Like Tom Sawyer convincing his cronies to whitewash the fence, my well-meaning buddies are trying to get me to share their burden and pick up the chore that they’ve decided to tackle.
Misery loves company, after all. But I’m not buying what they’re selling.
I love being single. The freedom, the autonomy, the control I have are irreplaceable. I’m never more than two hours away from a spontaneous road trip or weekend away. When friends have an extra ticket to a show, sporting event, or theater production, I’m always the first one they call because I always say YES. If I see an attractive girl, I don’t have to pretend not to notice her. I walk right up and introduce myself. Unlike my romantically involved friends, Read more…
Voluntary Insanity
Voluntarily insane
By any standard definition, jumping motorcycles is both stupid and insane. Sanity is functionality. It is the wisdom to not be dangerous to yourself or others. It is the ability to swim with the current and stay clear of the undertow. Intelligence is the ability to learn, to assess risk, to choose the most logical and profitable course of action.
Stupid and insane. Words to describe the young men and women who break bones, wind up in wheelchairs, and sometimes die from riding high-powered off-road motorcycles. Though it’s a more acceptable fixation than it has been in the past, we still feel the bite of deviant labels in the stares of passerby as we drive to the local riding spot, ostentatious, brightly-colored mechanical steeds in tow. We can still hear the unanswered question in those stares:
“Why?”
Because. That’s why. It’s as simple as the question.
We do it “because.” It’s innate. Or, if it’s not, it becomes innate as soon as fear is overshadowed by excitement. We hop on a bike at a young age, maybe crash, learn the controls, and before long, we can’t stop. Teach a beginning guitarist a few new chords, and see if he puts down the guitar anytime soon. We see the tools and components that make up the masterpiece compositions we’ve witnessed—the 75 foot backflip combinations, the fourth-gear pinned, all-or-nothing outside pass—and we want to begin composing.
“But the risk, ohhhh, the risk!”
Yeah, we know. Read more…
In Defense Of The Friend Zone
Photo by Wettly via Flickr
Tell me if this sounds familiar. You’re at a party and find yourself talking to a friend’s friend. He seems really cool and makes you laugh, but honestly, you don’t find him all that attractive. Later, he asks if you want to hang out sometime. You agree… hesitantly. Then you make an excuse to leave before he can ask for your number.
Been there, done that? Then, like me, you’ve suffered from a type of romantic tunnel vision, where you lose all interest in hanging out with someone you don’t immediately see as romantic potential.
The problem with this behavior is that we need friends of the opposite sex. They help us see life from another perspective. That guy asking to hang out may be looking for something more, but he could just as well end up becoming a friend.
I go to my guy friends for their unbiased (or sometimes totally biased) opinions on everything from dating to whether I’m too fat to wear a bikini. Unlike the girls who will undoubtedly answer, “no you look great, really,” the guys will give me their honest opinions and often offer a fresh point of view.
It’s hard to explain the differences between relationships with your girl friends and relationships with your guy friends without getting into stereotypes. But it is a unique relationship I’ve learned to value as I’ve gotten older.
The most obvious example? When I need to know all the stats on the new Padres’ pitcher or an update of the Charger’s season, I get my guy friends to give me the Cliff notes version.
But more than just for sports, guy friends can be like cultural translators. Thanks to my brother’s friends for example, I can totally speak “geek.” Read more…
I Can’t Make You Love Me, So Why Am I Here?
Photo by Lutz-R. Frank via Flickr
I don’t consider myself a saccharine person, but one thing I wouldn’t mind having a little bit sweeter is my family. We get together on holidays and birthdays, but there’s always a lot of dead air. Dead air, as in someone just sucked all the oxygen out of the room, leaving only panicked expressions on our faces.
It doesn’t help that my family has dwindled down to around ten people. Here’s a social math rule: the more people there are to spread out an awkward situation, the less awkward it becomes for each individual.
I love my family and appreciate the time we have together, even if it’s not what I always hoped I would have. Still, I was never able to get past my older brother’s aloofness. We’re six years apart, and we had what I’d describe as a less-than-average childhood. We both made it through extreme medical crises, but not even those brought us any closer. Now that we’re adults, I still don’t understand why he doesn’t want to associate with me.
I’ve tried joking with him, engaging him in conversation, and even asking his girlfriend to hang out. I got what could be best described as robotic replies, blank stares, and insincere offers of help when I need it. At his wedding, I hugged him and told him I loved him… to which he replied, “I know.”
You know?!
“You know” things like you need to eat your vegetables, pre-treat stains, vacuum more often, and floss every day. Read more…
When The Alpha Male Is Just A Betta Fish
Photo by flag75 via Flickr
When did the line between genuine and false confidence become blurred to the same level as a faked photograph of indiscernible alien life?
True confidence is out there, but people will just as quickly dismiss it as douchebaggery these days. When I’m out navigating the faux-hawks, faux hos and faux pas that serve as the foundation of Vegas nightlife, I observe all manner of posturing and territorial behavior. I internalize (usually) my amusement and bemusement when such actions pass for successful flirtation, and I ponder what has brought us to this point.
Actual confidence used to be rather simple to identify: a powerful yet relaxed stride, a commanding but courteous tone of voice, eyes which at once act as both as lasers and Zen gardens. Today, however, it seems the pretenders—these airs to the throne of self-assurance—are being mistaken for leaders and real men.
The definition and perception of the alpha male finds itself under fire.
I see the fractures in the once rock-solid foundation of the alpha male castle. Male authors wearing goggles and frilly shirts and calling themselves Mystery… online articles entitled “Secret Dating Tactics Nice Guys Use to Get Women”… reality shows depicting hopeless guys attempting to become attractive to women… “peacocking,” the “negative comment,” flat-out asshole behavior…. Combine any or all of these tactics with a delusional or insecure male, add a completely contrived personality, pour in vodka and Red Bull, splash it all with Acqua Di Gio, and you have false confidence that will assault any sensible person’s senses. Read more…
Breaking Up Is Hard… For Your Friends, Too!
Photo by Kristin McKee via Flickr
When my friend is going through a breakup, it becomes my personal mission to mend her figurative heart. The quantity of chocolate ice cream at the supermarket diminishes noticeably. The local Blockbuster’s angry-girl-loses-guy-but-then-meets-even-cuter-one genre experiences a huge spike in rentals. I have all the right tools to combat my friend’s newly acquired depression….
Except the verbal skills.
Some people are born with a silver spoon in their mouths. My spoon is more of a copper alloy (you know, the kind that turns your skin green after you’ve worn it for too long).
A few years ago, after her relationship had come to a fiery end, my bosom buddy and I sat on her couch while she poured out her heart. I tried to keep my terror from showing on my face. What was I supposed to do? What could I say?
She paused and looked at me with those pleading, tear-filled eyes. I had to come up with something both insightful and comforting. And quickly. Hurry, hurry! What always made me feel better?
“Uh, I want ice cream.”
We asked our readers what’s the worst thing a friend can say to help someone get over a breakup. I’m ashamed to realize I’ve used almost all the clichés out there. Miss Bonnified doesn’t want to hear, “I always hated him,” while Anna cringes at, “he wasn’t that great, anyway.” I used both of these lines on my friend that day.
Next, I tried to be gentle, telling her that “it wasn’t meant to be.” But those are words that Lauren H never likes to hear. I knew for a fact that she was “better off without him,” but that’s something reader Resullins despises.
FatalFlyingGuillotine sums up the general sentiment on clichés: Read more…
There’s A Fine Line Between Smart And Ass
Photo by pmarkham via Flickr
I decided to do the online dating thing again. And when you’re doing the online dating thing, you get to fill in these little packets of personal information. One self-description that I invariably put down is that I can be a bit of a smart-ass. I put this down because… well, I’ve been known to make girls cry on the first date, so I feel that sufficient warning must be granted to all my potential suitees.
Not too surprisingly, I often get matched up with other alleged smart-asses. What does this mean when I meet up with these women then? Mostly, we spend a large portion of our time barbing back and forth in a proverbial urinating contest to see whose gluteus is more intelligent.
Unfortunately, some people don’t seem to understand the difference between being a smart-ass and being an ass. Hey, I admit it. I’ve had issues with it myself. (Again, I made a girl CRY. On a FIRST DATE.) To be perfectly honest, I still lapse occasionally… er, frequently from smart-ass to plain ass.
You see, there’s a fine line between sarcastic and insulting. Being sarcastic takes intelligence, a quick wit, and some amount of lucky timing. Being insulting is just the clueless person’s substitute for true sarcasm.
Let me tell you about an evening recently spent between two self-professed smart-asses:
We’re hanging out in my room. She happens to have a bottle of Diet Coke with her. She opens the bottle, takes a sip, then drops it and spills a decent amount of soda on my bed. I groan and say, “alright, whatever. Here, get up. I’m gonna change the sheets.”
She says: “Don’t worry, we’ll just cover it up. You can change them in the morning.”
I say: “Ummm, I’d rather just change them right now. I’m not gonna sleep on a Coke stain.”
[SSSSSKRRRRRRTTTTTTZZZZZZZZZZZZ] Time out. Read more…
I’m Training To Be A DILF
Image by SingleParentSpecials.com
For the vast majority of us who’ve had to wade through the proverbial dating pool, it’s tough out there. I should know this. I was a perpetual drowning victim.
But if there’s one lesson that I gained through my experiences, it’s how to put my best foot forward when approaching the opposite sex. I learned how to keep her marginally amused enough to grant me another date. I learned to make myself desirable in her eyes, then attempt to hold that awkward pose for an inordinate amount of time, while she slowly deliberated whether or not she wanted to ravage me.
Though I consider myself somewhere between “Quasimodo” and “not-quite-so-Quasimodo” in terms of attractiveness, I realized early on that looks weren’t all that important (as long as she didn’t scamper away like frightened wildlife). What mattered was what I said and how I acted. I mean, the proof is in the pudding: I’m just your average looking schmuck… who just so happened to score his fair share of second dates.
Of course, I have to remember to hold on to these lessons. I have to remember that they don’t end after the second date… or after marriage… or even after the birth of a child.
I never undervalued the importance of a man’s desirability in the eyes of his leading lady. Not during courtship, and certainly not during marriage. I can’t definitively say if I ever was a ladies’ man: rich, successful, or even modestly charming. I won’t even claim to be any sort of love guru. But despite all this, I was still aware of the thorough evaluations that were taking place inside the mind of every woman I had ever dated (including my wife), while I was just simply sitting there, innocently sipping away at my ridiculously overpriced coffee. Read more…
Seven Reasons I Love Being Single
Photo by Marley Musella
One of my pet peeves is the single person who hates being partnerless. Hollywood loves to play up the stereotype of the woman who is desperate for anyone to love her. Sadly, a lot of my friends fit right into this cliché. They hate going to special occasions without a date on their arm. Or they complain about being the only unattached person on the planet, which is how life appears from their perspective.
So, I’d like to offer a different perspective. While I look forward to meaningful relationships in my future, I enjoy dating. Yes, someday I hope to find “the one.” But, in the meantime, I relish the chance to get wild on the dance floor and represent “all the single ladies.”
Here are a few reasons I love being single:
1. Social Currency
How often does anyone ask if there are going to be any nice married couples at the party? I’ve yet to hear it. Instead, my very presence as one of the cute single women (or at least one with a great personality, hopefully) increases the potential fun of any social gathering. Parties have a different energy when people have the possibility of meeting the man or women of their dreams… or at least finding someone cute to talk to or make out with later on. Simply being available increases our value as social currency.
2. Ogling Season
The entire season of summer seems designed with the single person in mind. Surfers out of their wetsuits. Guys jogging without their shirts, and girls in bikinis. Cute neighbors by the pool. Basically, it’s ogling season, and when we’re single, we can look and appreciate without anyone getting jealous. Read more…
Nice Guys Finish First
"All My Loving" by wczoraj wieczorem
I know the popular saying contradicts what I’m calling this piece. I’m here to argue otherwise.
Ladies, admit it. There’s something about the bad boy that’s a complete turn on. He brings danger, a sense of adventure, and total drama into your life. Rarely a day goes by where you’ll actually be thinking to yourself, “wow, this day was boring.” It’ll usually be the complete opposite.
But with all this excitement comes a price usually paid for in tears and hurt feelings. For some reason I’ve still yet to figure out, we’re under some kind of crazy misguided notion that we’ll be the ones to change him! We magically delude ourselves into thinking that we’re somehow special enough to be the one who’ll turn him around.
Yeah, right.
I’ve been there and done that. By “done that,” I mean that I was a card-carrying member of the Delusional. I’m also way over it because I’m onto something way better. It’s called NORMAL. (More on this in a bit.) Whenever I think back on this period of my dating life, I recall Fergie’s wise words in her epic song “My Humps”…. Read more…
Dennis Hong
Scott Joiner
Jennifer Hamilton
Denice Blue
Meg Pierce
Jon Shellhammer
Miss Bonnified
Jasmine Curry
Traci Lopez
Rikki Marzan
Alex O'Sullivan
Allison Schein
Mariah Sandoval
Cameron Livermore
Danny Braciole
Future DILF-in-Training
Julie Hartley
David K.
Kat Fenn