If You Chase Me, You’ll Never Catch Me

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After discovering I could get women to chase me, I’ve collected some priceless stories. But is that really how I want to talk about my future girlfriend or wife? With stories of how I got her to jump through all of my hoops?

Of course not. The kind of woman I want to spend the rest of my life with won’t jump through those hoops. She knows doing so won’t get me to pursue her.

Because if I am interested, I will pursue her.

If I am not, I won’t.

It sounds simple. But if everything in life was as simple as it sounded, birth control would be 100% effective, every person on the planet would be a master at parallel parking, and the girl knocking on the door to your Vegas hotel room would actually look like the girl on the card.

I allow myself to get chased because it is amusing, and my ego (among other things) always appreciates a good stroking. But when that special woman, with a twinkle in her eye and a deceivingly innocent smirk on her face, lets me know that I’m not going to catch her so easily, I take off after her while the other girls fade into the distance.

Image by James Warwick

There’s something about the chase that excites me. Maybe it’s the curiosity I have when we make eye contact for the first time. Maybe it’s the thrill I feel when I see her on that second date and have to imagine how sexy she must look beneath that dress. Maybe it’s the tension and anticipation I sense, knowing how badly we want to rip each other’s clothes off, but not knowing if we will reach that point.

Or maybe it’s the risk I take by making myself utterly vulnerable to her, because this chase is far from easy. She stays just outside my reach, subtly letting me know she wants me to catch her, but I have to try a little bit harder. She wants me to prove that I see the same value in her as she sees in herself. She won’t settle for less than the best, and the best does not give up until he has exhausted every possible effort to be with the woman he believes he deserves.

I used to think women should do some of the chasing, that we both need to “invest” the same amount of time and effort. I lived by that belief for three years after my last serious relationship, and of all the women who have done some of the “chasing,” not a single one has caused me to think, “wow, I want to be with her.

Three women come to mind:

I met Sara in a bar, and we hooked up that night. Two weeks later, she came over, and we hooked up again… just before I sent her home, so I could go downtown and party with my friends. She stuck around for the rest of the year. She was convenient, because if she was going to chase me with that kind of enthusiasm, I knew she wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon. Eventually, she did express interest in seeing me outside of the bedroom. That was the end of her.

I met Kelly when she was working. Later that week, I invited her over. She came over again every week for the next three months, rarely making an effort to get me to chase her. She simply showed up at my doorstep whenever my schedule allowed. She eventually stopped returning my calls and later told me she did so when she realized “we” weren’t going anywhere.

I met Hannah during a weekend trip to Hollywood. She was feisty, a trait I absolutely adore in women. I wanted her, and I was going to do whatever it took to get her. After a few weeks of trying to get her to open up, we hit it off. We spent hours on the phone every week for months. I had never clicked so well with someone. Then she came down to see me for the first time since we met. Suddenly, I felt she was into me more than I was into her. That feistiness was immediately replaced by a desire to chase me, instead of letting me chase her. It was over. I had won. And from then on, I became more and more complacent, until my feelings faded to purely platonic.

Sara, Kelly and Hannah all fell into the “If I am not, I won’t” category. When each of them made it clear that the chase was over, any interest I thought I had in them disappeared. If they had stopped chasing me, nothing would have been dragged out, unnecessary emotions would have never been involved, and the pain I know they felt would have been lessened.

It always feels good to be chased, but I understand now that it only feels good to my ego. On a deeper level, it’s not satisfying to know that I didn’t have to work for it, that the most time I had to invest to get a woman to chase me was the 30 seconds it took to introduce myself. To me, the most valuable things in life require hard work and a considerable investment of time.

Now, I’ll know what to do when that one special woman does rear her head.

Well, unless she already did

I met Ramona in Vegas. She had a fiery spirit I can’t draw myself away from. But, more than that, she had the nurturing maternal instinct that I fall for.

And I did. I fell hard.

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  • Um…you just made me hate dating even more. Thanks.

  • Nice first article. But it kind of ends abruptly. What’s going on with Ramona? Are you in the process of chasing Her?
    Also, when you a high value male (which you are) women can’t help themselvez but to chase.

    Anyways, I look forward to more future articlles.

  • It’s called a teaser. 😉

  • Soo… does this mean that once Ramona gets comfortable with you – finally feels like she’s met someone who loves and appreciates her for who she is and therefore no longer needs to play games – you’ll realize you’re sick of her because she’s no longer mysterious and unattainable? Because you won?

    Run, Ramona. Run fast.

    • That’s one way to look at it, yes, and it’s something I always considered, but I also believe some aspect of chasing and games should be in every stage of a relationship to keep things interesting. Comfort is the enemy of growth.

    • Yes. This. This is exactly what I thought after finishing the article. The poor girl is screwed once she lets him know she actually is into him.

    • Rick – Married for 9 years, so forgive my complete lack of understanding…

      But are you ever planning on settling or just continually finding a rush with each poor chick who catches your eye briefly? Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but it’s probably good if both of you are on the same page. Which doesn’t seem to be the case, thus the “eew.”

      And, just my opinion, but you’re missing out on the fruit of long-distance running if all you ever do is sprint.

    • Hmm… I’d say that “stagnancy” is the enemy of growth, but not comfort. Comfort is the reason we seek long-term relationships, after all. Otherwise, we’d just fuck ourselves silly and never deal with all the games and emotional distress that comes with budding relationships.

      I’m not trying to judge you. It’s fine that you feel this way. But I AM saying that it makes you fairly predatory and maybe you should let this girl in on your thought process, because most women I know would NOT be okay with someone who says he’ll get bored the second she gets comfortable. Most women I know would not be okay with constantly wondering how her boyfriend really feels about her. And most women I know most certainly don’t want to be viewed solely as a conquest – someone who’s only interesting until you “catch” her.

      Again, that’s the point of a committed relationship. You finally know how the other person feels. You keep things interesting in other ways after that – sex games, intellectual arguments, stimulating conversations – there are different ways to experience life together to keep things from getting stagnant. But if I were still stuck wondering whether my husband really loves me or is going to go chasing after the next woman who plays coy because he’s into the chase, I would’ve been gone a long time ago. And no amount of chasing would’ve resulted in him catching me again.

    • As I was working with Rick on this article, I had the same thoughts. I’ll let him clarify this, but if you look at the paragraph that begins with:

      Sara, Kelly and Hannah all fell into the “If I am not, I won’t” category.

      I think what he’s saying is that he was never all that interested in these women in the first place. So, if they hadn’t pursued him so hard, then they would’ve spared themselves a lot of hurt feelings.

      Maybe it sort of boils down to a chicken-or-the-egg argument:

      Does he not pursue them because he’s not interested in the first place?

      Or does he lose interest because they pursue him?

      I think maybe it’s a little of both. But, again, I’ll let Rick clarify this….

    • That’s what I thought at first too, Dennis, until I finished reading the part about Hannah, because he actually took the time to build an emotional relationship with her (via phone) and thought this could actually go places long term, and then the second she showed up in real life and was no longer an unattainable fantasy, he dropped her and completely lost interest.

      And Rick, I’m not trying to eat you up, here – I love posts like this that stimulate discussion. So please don’t feel like I’m trying to personally attack you – it just seems like maybe you should start to question your true motives when you’re trying to start relationships, or even whether you really want a relationship at all, you know? Because I’m mostly just feeling sorry for these girls…

    • I love posts like this that stimulate discussion.

      And that’s the mission of Musings! 🙂

      Seriously, I knew that this article would stir up some controversy, so I really am curious to see how everyone feels about it….

    • It’s just funny that lack of interests manifests in sleeping with them and THEN letting them know he wasn’t interested. Another way to spare them is to, you know, tell them you’re not interested. But then there’s no sex, so I can see how that might not come up.

      This just makes me glad I’m married and not dating.

    • Katie,

      Dennis pointed out what I was trying to get at. If the girls hadn’t pursued me nothing would have developed beyond the point at which I noticed them start to chase me.

      With Hannah it was a bit complicated because that emotional bond developed over the phone over a few months so I became accustomed to her attitude and personality, but once she came to see me she no longer had that attitude (or she had less of it) I was attracted to. I wanted to see if it was just a temporary thing since we weren’t used to spending time together in person, but after a couple more months I realized it wasn’t temporary. I gave it a chance, it didn’t work out.

    • Jaberkaty,

      When I say I never saw relationship potential in these girls it’s not as if I went into them thinking, “Let’s see how long I can drag this out.” If a girl is interested in seeing me and I find her attractive I’m not going to tell her no just because I don’t want to enter into an exclusive relationship with her. I learn more about myself every time a new person enters and exits my life. If a girl expresses interest in being my “girlfriend”, but I’m not interested then I will let her know. If she still wants to see me after she’s aware things aren’t going to get any more serious that’s her decision.

    • Also, I guess I should clarify what I mean by interested. I can still be physically attracted to a woman, but not be interested in being in a relationship with her. If she lets me know she wants a relationship before we have sex then no, I’m not going to sleep with her and then tell her I don’t see her in “that way”

    • My bad on that one. I edited out that line because I thought it was obvious that “interested” and “physically attracted to” aren’t the same thing.

    • Dennis, after all of those arguments about how women can’t just have a purely physical relationship without emotions getting in the way (I mean – you’ve written entire articles on how women often become emotionally attached by making physical connections while men become emotionally attached by making emotional connections and can keep the physical separate from the emotional), I’m surprised to see that.

      With most women, at least, physical attraction – if it’s going to lead all the way to sex – is usually accompanied by interest in the guy. At the very least, she’s not going to sleep with him if she’s fully aware he’s just using her and has absolutely zero respect for her. Even sexually promiscuous women like to be respected. So Rick probably shouldn’t assume that just because these women are willing to sleep with him (aka. “chase” him) right away, it doesn’t mean they aren’t interested in more of a relationship. In fact, 99% of the time, it’s going to be quite the opposite. Essentially Rick, it seems like you’re saying you have sex with them because they’re there and they’re willing, even though deep down you probably know they want something more (saying they need to say it out loud is just an excuse). When it comes to how deeply you feel about any of them, you might as well be masturbating. Which would be okay, if they knew that.

      Saying they should tell you out loud that they want more from you at that stage in a relationship is ridiculous. It’d be like you being honest with them about just using them for sex. Rarely are people brave enough to say either thing, because then there’s zero chance of either of you getting what you really want.

    • Katie,

      I did not mean to say they have to tell me out loud. There are plenty of signals a girl can send to tell me she wants more from me than just a weekly meet up, but if I’m not interested I’m not interested. If a woman acts as if she’s ok with with how things are going I am not going to assume otherwise, because then I’ll just start playing “what if” games with myself, and those are my least favorite games to play… with myself.

  • Sort of left with an overwhelming sense of “eew.”

  • Meh, those kinds of games are for people who like getting played. I’d rather be upfront with my feelings and deciding what to do from there, instead of thinking “Is he a guy who likes to be chased? Or who likes to do the chasing?”

  • So, if we read between the lines, the author is turned off by sexually aggressive women who have sex too early (and easy, in his opinion) in the dating process? I don’t think it’s about not liking girls who show an interest in him, but he loses respect for girls once they sleep with him. The earlier it happens, the faster he loses respect for them, it seems.

    • Correct. To me there’s a huge difference between showing interest in me and chasing me. A girl can show interest in me by allowing me to pursue her or more specifically letting me know she wants me to pursue her. I’m not going to pursue a woman who completely ignores me. If she’s interested she’ll respond to my efforts, and if she’s not, she won’t.

  • “To me, the most valuable things in life require hard work and a considerable investment of time.”

    And a relationship itself doesn’t require hard work and a considerable investment of time? Instead, you expect all of that to happen at the beginning, with the “chase.”

    I hate the thought of playing games and putting up some hard-to-get persona just to land a guy. It seems to me that you see relationships as games, as a competition. Is that the kind of foundation you want your relationship built on?

    • Yes, I’m referring to the “courtship” stage of a relationship in this article, but I also believe once the “relationship” is established some elements of the chase should always be present. It keeps things interesting to me.

      Something to keep in mind is that I haven’t been in an exclusive, committed relationship in years so I’m out of practice when it comes to that area. I may change my mind in the future, or I may not. There’s no way to know what life experiences may alter my beliefs.

  • chasing you implies they were still trying to get you in bed. I don’t think it sounds like these women were chasing you. It sounds like they were fucking you. And when they got bored of the sex, and tried to see if you could entertain them out of bed, you couldn’t and they were out of there. But whatever, potatoes, patatos.

    • An assumption based on an assumption based on an assumption of what “chasing implies”

      To me chasing does not have to be related to wanting to sleep with me. In it’s simplest form it means a woman is taking a proactive role in trying to spend time with me. If I want to spend time with her I’ll put in the effort to spend time with her. If I’m interested enough in a girl she shouldn’t have to do anything (beyond letting me know when she’s free) to let me know she wants to see me, because I’ll want to see her just as much. It seems simple in my head, but I know I’m not conveying it as thoroughly as I’d like.

  • More proof that it is a man’s world. I have read articles like this over and over again and it still makes me sick. For the record I am aware of this dynamic and no matter how hard to get I play I can’t get a man to chase me to save my life, so I get frustrated and “accidentally” chase him, and it makes me feel really bad because I know its a surefire way to lose his interest. Basically it feels like it’s all about what HE wants. If I am interested in him then it’s game over for me. And I dont even necessarily sleep with them right away so its not a matter of sleeping with them too soon. If a guy has to chase me that hard it is because I was never actually interested in the first place, and it seems like the ones I do like never chase me. I don’t get how men don’t get this. The article alluded to this a little bit at the end, how the author eventually walks away if there is no real interest, but in my experience with my own relationships and observing people I know, women run from guys because THEY ARE NOT ACTUALLY INTERESTED and no amount of chasing is going to change that. It may wear her down, but do you really want a woman who doesn’t really like you but just eventually gave in? Guys: If a woman thinks of you as “just a friend” or “runs away” she is not at a all attracted to you and you can’t legitimately talk her into it. It’s there or it isn’t and she’s not playing hard to get. She’s not interested. Ever.

    • Running away = ignoring/responding negatively to texts, phone calls, requests to hang out

      Letting yourself be chased = responding positively to texts, phone calls, requests to hang out

      Chasing him = initiating most/all texts, phone calls, requests to hang out

      A guy who comes across as “try hard” is the guy chasing the girl who’s running away.

      /my opinion

  • Sorry Dennis, I don’t know if I’m actually allowed to use foul language here, but now that I have leisure time, I would like to rephrase my earlier comment and you can delete the other one if you deem it necessary.
    Rick says these women are “chasing” him, when what I see are not women chasing him, but women sleeping with him. Oxytocin and feminine biology aside, we like sex. Sometimes we can’t be bothered with the murkiness of relationships and we just want to get some. We all know the difference between dating, a relationship and a booty call. Rick, if a girl shows up at your door and wants to go at it, you are mistaken to think she is “chasing” you with some end result of wanting to be in a relationship with you. The fact of the matter is, she’s using you for sex, just like you are using her for sex. That’s right. You are merely a toy to her. Sure somewhere along the line she might decide she is bored with sleeping with you and might try to figure out if there is more to you than your willingness to perform oral sex on her, this is the part where she attempts to get you out of the bedroom. Sometimes it’s out of guilt of feeling slutty, or a desire for a real relationship, but if she from the beginning was interested in a real relationship with you, chances are she would be inviting you to hang out as friends or to hang out with her and her friends from the beginning.
    Especially if it takes her a year of banging you to decide she might want more than sex. Mwahaha. How dumb do you think women are? We don’t have just sex with guys for a year who we are actually legitimately interested in dating or his personality. We just don’t. We are way too emotional for that sort of crap. If she can just have sex with you for a year without any dating, she is not chasing you buddy, she is not interested in your personality, she’s already getting what she wants (from you anyways.)
    I think it is very deceiving how you describe these women as chasing you and that is why the women are getting upset, because you sound slightly insensitive, but if one reads between the lines and puts themselves in the shoes of the girls, one will see that you are oddly mistaken about the intentions of these women. And I for one find it hysterical that you are so naive to not realize you were being used for sex.

  • Except for Hannah, for whom you actually legitimately played the relationship guy. If your sole reason for dumping her was because she actually liked your personality and sleeping with you, well that’s pretty damn stupid. I mean you find a girl who can stand your personality long enough to do more than just show up at the door and bang you and you are suddenly not interested? What is that cheesy saying? You can’t love anyone, until you love yourself first buddy.

    • I like how you think it’s “pretty damn stupid” that no longer being attracted to someone is not a valid enough reason for me to not want to continue dating them. I feel your comment also implies that I actually have control over who I’m attracted to.

    • It’s ok Rick, you just have to believe you are good enough and do deserve to be loved. That way it won’t scare you when a girl likes you. I know it seems like there must be something wrong with her if she actually is interested in dating you, trust me most of your female readers seem to agree on that point, but you do deserve to be happy and loved some day, so you really have to start believing in yourself. 🙂

    • Hahaha




    • curious to know if you are still afraid of commitment Rick!

    • Sorry for the late response, but to put it simply: yes, I am.

      I’m still unsure about whether or not I’m cut out for a monogamous relationship.

  • A couple if things about this:

    So sick of the idea that a woman sleeping with a man means she is chasing him. Not all women bargain with sex. Maybe it’s been awhile? Maybe the guy is hot and she is aroused? Maybe she just enjoys sex and treats it as sport like I suppose only men can in this scenario.

    And perhaps men with this attitude have some self esteem issues? Sort of the “I wouldn’t belong to any club that would have me” idea. It sounds like the only thing wrong with these women is that they like gamer.

    • Woah, who said just because a woman is sleeping with me she’s chasing me? Is this even directed at me? I’m lost

    • Rick: “Two weeks later, she came over, and we hooked up again… just before I sent her home, so I could go downtown and party with my friends. She stuck around for the rest of the year. She was convenient, because if she was going to chase me with that kind of enthusiasm, I knew she wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon.” That implies to me that you consider her showing up at your door to get it on “chasing.”

    • Ahhh gotcha… no, the chasing was implied when she showed up wearing lingerie and cooked me dinner that night. That’s a good bit of effort to put into a guy she’s just using for sex, but that’s just me.

    • Meg,

      Re-reading the article I can see how her showing up at my place is my only attempt at implying she’s chasing me and I can see how it’s easy to interpret that as me twisting the facts to make it appear so. That’s my bad. It would have added unnecessary length to describe the situation more, but I can see how it would have helped some.

  • Oh wow Meg. I was drafting my response apparently at the same time. And I appear to hand been sharing your thoughts too.

  • there’s definitely nothing wrong with playing some games with someone who’s interested because it makes it so much fun. but it sucks so much when those tables are turned. sucks so bad

  • This kind of philosophy makes absolutely no sense to me, and seems majorly ridiculous and counter-intuitive. Are you a masochist? Do you WANT to be unhappy? I’m trying not to be a dick because I write here too, but you come off like such a cocky douche in this post.

    Although if I really want you to stay away from me, I should ask you out, right? Hey, you free Friday night? I make a mean coq au vin…

    • First, to answer your questions: a little bit, when the mood feels right, yes, no

      Second, why does it make absolutely no sense to you? what about it seems majorly ridiculous and counter intuitive?

      To me it’s just a combination of two simple ideas: getting bored with something once it’s no longer a challenge, and not valuing something I didn’t have a work for.

      Challenges can be fun, work can be fun.

    • If you want women to chase you but know you’re just going to end up dumping them at the first sign of emotional attachment or interest, then why not just have a bunch of meaningless sex and ditch the bullshit philosophy? It’s self-serving and honestly, I think people would respect you more if you were upfront about your attitude regarding involvement and attraction, rather than convincing women you’re interested in them, then ditching them suddenly.

      It’s counter-intuitive because, as many have said, if you’re into someone and they’re into you, you’re shooting yourself in the foot by breaking it off. Why would you do that? It simply makes no sense. The point of chasing someone or having them chase you is to get them. You’re running a catch and release program, and that’s almost cruel. You could be happy with one of these women, but you apparently don’t want to or won’t let yourself. Then again, if you’re a masochist, by all means, go right ahead. But I guarantee you’ve pissed off a few women with your actions.

      You essentially are just having a bunch of meaningless sex, you know, if you’re just doing it in the name of the chase. Why even bother?

    • If you want women to chase you but know you’re just going to end up dumping them at the first sign of emotional attachment or interest, then why not just have a bunch of meaningless sex and ditch the bullshit philosophy?

      The “bullshit philosophy” is not so much a philosophy as it is an observation on how my emotions/feelings react to certain stimuli, or a lack thereof.

      It’s self-serving and honestly, I think people would respect you more if you were upfront about your attitude regarding involvement and attraction, rather than convincing women you’re interested in them, then ditching them suddenly.

      It’s very self-serving.

      It’s counter-intuitive because, as many have said, if you’re into someone and they’re into you, you’re shooting yourself in the foot by breaking it off. Why would you do that? It simply makes no sense.

      And like I’ve said, it’s not shooting myself in the foot if I’m no longer interested in them. Who wants to be involved with someone they’re not interested in and/or attracted to anymore?

      The point of chasing someone or having them chase you is to get them. You’re running a catch and release program, and that’s almost cruel. You could be happy with one of these women

      I could be, but I value the freedom of being single too much to commit myself to anyone unless I actually believe I can be happier with her than without. Catch and release is probably an accurate description, except in this case the fish has a choice of jumping back in the water. I never lie to keep a girl “caught.”

      but you apparently don’t want to or won’t let yourself. Then again, if you’re a masochist, by all means, go right ahead. But I guarantee you’ve pissed off a few women with your actions.

      Won’t deny that either.

      You essentially are just having a bunch of meaningless sex, you know, if you’re just doing it in the name of the chase. Why even bother?

      If I answer that question and try to be funny I’ll sound like an ass. If I answer truthfully I’ll sound like a selfish prick.

    • Well, we already know that you play this game to stroke your ego, so, sorry to say, but you’re already coming off like a selfish prick.

      I guess I don’t really see the point of this article. Maybe it’s in part 2? You talk about what happens in your dating life, but you’re not drawing any conclusions or wanting to change or defending your position. You’re sharing your experience, which is great since that’s kind of the point of Musings, but this article is really turning me off, not just to you, but to your writing. You just ended it with a short sentence about how you learned this was all ego boosting, but you seem to be totally fine with that. You only say you’ll know what to do when the right girl comes along, but I highly doubt you do. You’ll most likely blow it with her because she’ll be genuinely interested in you, and you’ll lose all interest.

      You say you never lie to keep a girl “caught”, but it doesn’t sound like you’re too upfront with them either. What I’m understanding (and probably a lot of other people too) is that you’ll start dating a girl, and after a few weeks or months, as soon as you’re sure she’s actually interested, you’ll peace out. That’s not the same as casual sex. You can have casual sex and I’ll still respect you. You can’t do what you’re appearing to do and expect me to respect you. (Which you probably don’t, and probably don’t care that I don’t.)

      If this is how you live your life, fine. But you really do sound like a selfish prick in your article.

    • Well, we already know that you play this game to stroke your ego, so, sorry to say, but you’re already coming off like a selfish prick.

      Fair enough.

      I guess I don’t really see the point of this article. Maybe it’s in part 2? You talk about what happens in your dating life, but you’re not drawing any conclusions or wanting to change or defending your position. You’re sharing your experience, which is great since that’s kind of the point of Musings, but this article is really turning me off, not just to you, but to your writing.

      My writing, similar to my personality, is polarizing, I’m aware of that. People either love me or can’t stand me, but I’m far happier now than back in the day when I was uncomfortable with who I was and tried to fit in with and please everyone. The point of this article is to explain what I’ve accepted about myself based on the contrast between most of the women I’ve been with and a certain one in the next part.

      You say you never lie to keep a girl “caught”, but it doesn’t sound like you’re too upfront with them either. What I’m understanding (and probably a lot of other people too) is that you’ll start dating a girl, and after a few weeks or months, as soon as you’re sure she’s actually interested, you’ll peace out. That’s not the same as casual sex. You can have casual sex and I’ll still respect you.

      I wouldn’t say I peace out, but a general lack of interest usually results in me not calling/texting them as much. Hannah was the only one I was completely upfront with in the end because I did really care about her. With the others I felt things never developed enough to necessitate a “Hey, let’s sit down and talk” conversation.

  • I think since this article is about chasing, you really need to clarify how you define chase. Do they buy you dinner? Get to know you? Bribe you with tickets to the Chargers? Send you flowers and gifts to woo you? Do they ask you about your feelings and how your day was and if you are free next Saturday?

  • My dear son,

    You may be condemned to chasing after that which you can’t have. Blame me. I was your role model.

    I’m happy you have so much self-confidence, but sometimes I think your head is going to explode from your ego.

    Hopefully, someday, you’ll be looking beyond the chase and percentages, and instead look at how much you care about and feel for each other.

    In the meantime, please don’t let who chases who determine who you are actually interested in. That’s not what it’s about.

    The Old Man

    • Beneath the numbers, chasing, and massive ego it comes down to who and what I’m interested in and/or attracted to and I don’t see how it’s possible to fall for someone I’m not interested in or attracted to.

  • Not to be a jerk, but has anyone ever called you a douchebag? Like in real life?

    I’m being totally serious.

  • I don’t think you are a douchbag based on this article- but that might be because my husband was the same way: he decided I was “the one” because for once he was the one doing the chasing. When you are the “chaser” you have time to decide 1. Is she worth chasing? And 2. Will I want her once I get her? If the answer is yes to both questions, you know you are probably in it for the long haul.
    Hopefully it doesn’t mean you are on your way to being a stalker haha!

  • Rick,

    As one of the few guys on this thread (or so it seems to me), I just want to say, I know exactly what you’re talking about. Exactly. And it really is painful to watch/experience. But I understand what others are saying – we need to be very careful to define what ‘chasing’ actually means. Because I agree, I am pushed away when a girl ‘chases’ me. And what ‘chases’ means is when she ignores the signals I am sending to back off and insists on a) initiating every conversation, b) initiating every email/text conversation, c) manipulating me into hanging out with her by asking way too often and in unfair ways.

    That’s what I mean by chasing anyway. I understand what so many of the ladies here are saying. It sounds like a no-win system, but I promise everyone here it is not a no-win situation. What I look for (for what its worth) is a woman who is confident, who can show interest (by reacting positively), but who doesn’t change her whole posture toward me and cling to my every word/moment of free time once our feelings are in the open.

    Just my thoughts. Thanks for writing the article and thanks everyone for the great comments.

    • Ty,

      I owe you a beer. I was trying to think of examples of chasing to explain it but you went right to the core and took the words out that were buried somewhere in my mind. I agree completely with what you said.

      Thank you for posting your comment, very much appreciated.

    • So when it’s the guy who initiates every convo, manipulates a girl into hanging out and ignores signals that she’s not interested it’s totally cool because he’s supposed to be chasing her?

    • Manipulation is never “totally cool”

      For me, ignoring signals comes with the territory of chasing in the beginning. On several occasions I’ve ignored those “signals that she’s not interested” in the first few weeks after meeting a woman only for her to open up and connect with me later on (Hannah falls into that category). I like to assume those signals are just her way of checking to see if I’m genuinely interested in her.

      On the other hand, if I ignore those signals and she doesn’t seem to warm up at all then I drop it, because it is NOT “totally cool” to chase someone who doesn’t want you to chase them.

  • It’s human nature, I think. We always want what we can’t have. The opposite of that is we don’t want anyone that wants us.

    Not always, but it happens. Once you can wake yourself up to this conundrum, you’ll find a mate worth keeping.

    Old Man

  • Nina (the author's little sister)

    It’s funny how when I read this, I never once thought negatively about what was being wrote. You’d think, being his sister – if what he was saying was at all derogative (spelling??) towards women, I’d be pissed and say something…but I don’t feel so stupid because every person on his facebook that’s commented on his facebook ab this article, doesn’t see it negatively either.

    Like the person commented before me, it’s human nature. Chasing is fun. Everyone at some point in their life has had their heart broken during a serious relationship and in turn retaliated on all of the opposite sex…It’s fear of hurt, not fear of commitment but fear of getting hurt, AGAIN!

    Seeing as I have known the author all 23 years of my life, I have seen his attitude towards women change, mature, grow, etc…I was there during his first serious long term relationship and saw how much it changed him into a better person and developed the amazing personality he has today but I also saw how much it damaged him. I totally understand why he sees relationships the way he does today, because I was the same way after my first heartbreak…

    All you people that are thinking negatively into this aren’t reading it the right way, but I guess as an outsider you don’t really know who you’re talking about so you don’t know the whole story and that’s not your fault. I read one comment earlier from a girl about how obviously girls dont like your personality and thats why relationships dont ever work. I can tell you right now that it has nothing to do with his personality, because he has an amazing personality and I’ll be the first to tell you he didn’t used to have one – he was a LOSER (no offense Ricky haha) and had no personality for YEARS until he broke out of his shell after heartbreak and lived the college life the way he needed to! The problem is not his personality, it goes back to his first long term relationship & then the first girl he gave in to after that heartbreak…

    I had to post this because alot of these comments are just ridiculous. My brother doesn’t “use” all women for sex… He may like sex with women, but what man doesn’t? Just because he doesn’t pursue a relationship with every woman that crosses his way, doesn’t make him a bad person. Im sure all of you people on here, married or in a relationnship or single, did at one point in your life chase after someone, make someone chase you, with or without intention of actually holding a relationship and I’m sure everyone has had their random hook ups…If you haven’t then you’re one of the few but that gives no room to judge and say te author doesn’t respect women..because he does, very much so..he just likes to have fun too! There’s nothing wrong with that!!

    Im sure Ill get lots of messages back to this but I had to put in my 2 cents because most of yall are just ridiculous with your ignorant comments….I bet more than half of yall that are saying rude things about this post, have in fact made someone chase you for the fun of it…or have ENJOYED chasing someone, just for the challenge and then ditching them when the fun was gone….

    love ya big brother!!

    • Nina you are too funny

      The person commenting above you

    • “because most of yall are just ridiculous with your ignorant comments….”

      You’re right…We were supposed to take every little thing in his life into account, even when it wasn’t mentioned, and form the same conclusion you did…Otherwise we’re ignorant and ridiculous.

      Good for you for caring so much about your brother…But really, your response was unnecessary and probably just made it a lot worse.

    • Thanks Nina. I do have a bit of an understanding of where everyone is coming from though. I’ve been told by more than a few women that read my blog that if they didn’t know me in person it would definitely cast me in a much more negative and much less humorous light. It’s something I know I need to work on.

      Technically any response is unnecessary, but I’m digging all of them. I want the feedback, good and bad. My sister is being my sister, I would ask for no less from her.

    • That’s just it, though. She’s your sister. She has a bias, and background information, and protectiveness of you that we don’t, and will not have. It’s silly to expect us to come to the same conclusion. It’s a “difference of opinion”, not “ignorance”.

    • That difference of opinion, however biased, has the potential to cause people to reconsider their initial thoughts, does it not? If her defense of me caused only one reader to give my future articles a chance, I’m happy with that.

    • Sorry, your sister coming in to defend you against an opinion she doesn’t like by INSULTING YOUR READERS isn’t going to make anyone reconsider anything, except possibly reading future articles by you. It’s one thing for people to be put off by your actual writing, it’s quite another for people to not bother with it because they can’t have a differing opinion without a relative of yours doing the internet equivalent of threatening to beat up those mean kids who aren’t being nice to you.

    • I understand. She did throw out a few insults. I guess me being her brother I just know what to look past. If I was in her shoes I would have done the same.

  • Okay, for the record, I actually disagree with Rick on this one (yes, it’s my blog, but to only post articles by people whose opinions I agree with would go contrary to the mission I set up for the site). Personally, I think both parties should do some of the pursuing.

    But, it’s because of this belief that I see where these girls are messing up. If Rick has shown no interest in a girl, but she’s showing up at his door in lingerie and making dinner, then I don’t blame him for, ahem, taking advantage of the situation. As long as he’s being perfectly clear that it’s just sex to him, then it’s up to her if she wants to keep pursuing him in the hopes of attaining something more.

    On the other hand, if Rick is interested at first, but loses said interest as soon as she starts showing her interest, then that’s a problem. Honestly, though, I’m not sure that that’s the case here. What I got out of his story about Hannah is that she seemed like the type of girl he’s into (i.e., aloof and, well, a tease and a game player), but that didn’t turn out to be the case, so he lost interest.

    Either way, Rick, I still believe the chase should be mutual. But, of course, you’re allowed to have your opinion.

    • Two points well made.

      I will admit that although I never make empty promises to these girls about our “future”, I also don’t come out and say I only see them as “casual dating partners”, if you will. Something I need to work on.

      I could have clarified the story with Hannah better, but you nailed it. In the beginning the way she acted and spoke attracted me to her. Once it appeared the feistiness and attitude was more of a front than part of her true personality I realized I was attracted to the Hannah I met, not the Hannah I was then with.

    • Ah, this post here puts a lot of this in perspective. It’s one thing to say you get bored because the chase is over and another thing to realize that who you were chasing wasn’t who you thought.

      I think more people can identify with coming to the harsh realization that the fun, quirky person they were interested in isn’t that person at all. I dunno, makes it easier for me to understand at any rate.

      Besides, I’m a friggin’ prude, take everything with salt.

    • I can see how someone might have trouble understanding it the way I presented it. I could have worded the explanation better.

  • To put it bluntly:

    You come across as a cocky douche in this article. But, as can be seen by previous comments, those people that know you don’t see that aspect of it at all. The problem seems to be that we, the readers, don’t know you. We have nothing to base your personality and viewpoints off of except for what you’ve given us in this article, which is very, very easily “misinterpreted” and casts you in a negative light. Unless you like all of the controversy and venom directed towards you after publishing articles like these (which isn’t sarcasm since, hey, you really might like it), I’d consider choosing the tone of the article very, very carefully in the future, or at least making sure that the cocky tone doesn’t skew the way the reader is interpreting the content.

    • But I will say that I appreciate your tone and attitude when replying to the comments. You’ve taken the heaps of criticism very well, and you seem to be comfortable and confident enough in yourself to let the cocky douche comments slide and not reply with equally bitter comments, which always takes a certain amount of maturity.

    • Nina (the author's little sister)

      My brother will be the first to tell you he’s cocky..He actually has a shirt that says “Id do me”…But it’s because of his past relationships and breaking out of his shell that he has developed this personality..There’s nothing wrong with being confident, which is how he is – he just chooses to portray it in a cocky way…But to be honest, it seems to attract the girls to him…Some girls like cocky guys..I don’t, it drives me nuts…but my brothers ways obviously attracts women sooo….who cares if he’s cocky, you girls aren’t the ones pursuing him so it doesn’t matter, right??

    • “who cares if he’s cocky, you girls aren’t the ones pursuing him so it doesn’t matter, right??”

      Not necessarily.

      And it wasn’t the cocky part I had a problem with, but when it’s coupled with the douche that it becomes irritating. Besides, all I was saying that in the future, if he wants to avoid criticism like this, he should make sure that the cockiness of his tone (which I’m not saying to get rid of) doesn’t conflict with the content of the article. As is, the article reads like it has a huge double standard and is somewhat sexist, which doesn’t seem to be his intention. Tonality changes and better wording in the future can help to alleviate those types of misunderstandings.

    • I try to tell him nobody likes a wise guy, but it hasn’t made an impression.

      Sarcasm and humor can be easily misconstrued on the interwebs — and it often is.

      Old Man

    • Julie,

      One of the reasons I’m looking forward to writing for Musings is to get more public feedback to make my writing more appealing. I don’t believe in trying to make everyone happy, but over the past few months I’ve had more and more people tell me if they didn’t know me in person my writing style would most definitely cast me in a negative light. It took a while to sink in, but I’m starting to see that myself.

      After working with Dennis on this first article I know I have a lot more progress to make, but I’m still new to the whole writing thing so I’m not too worried about making a few (or a ton) of mistakes here and there.


      Haha even my cocky attitude needs to be reigned in every now and then, but thank you again for the support 😉


      We both know words don’t make an impression on me. Peoples’ reactions and life experiences? maybe… but words? Not that I can remember 😉

    • Content of your article aside, I think you have the right attitude as an aspiring writer. Certainly better than others I’ve had to work with.

  • You crack me up….I can’t wait to see what your kids are like!

    Sorry for offending anyone, I was just stating my opinion. there’s more I could say to defend my views but its not worth it…I wasn’t trying to threaten anyone either…

    I love my brother and his personality even if he’s super cocky Haha

    Guess ill keep my comments to myself next time bc my brother is an amazing writer and deserves to have his stuff read. Even if it causes controversy, he sure knows how to capture an audience!

  • Dennis I take offense to that last remark.

  • Wow, the comments here have come (or regressed) a long way since I last checked them out! C’mon, people – can’t we express how an article makes us feel without stooping to personally insulting the author? It takes a LOT of guts to be completely honest when you write – especially if it’s about something that casts you in a negative light. His sister, while she stooped to the same negative insults as some of the others here, is right – we don’t “know” Rick, and therefore shouldn’t make assumptions about his entire character just based on this one piece.

    That said, I hope you’ve been able to see past a lot of the personal blows, Rick (and it seems like you have) and maybe are able to take in a little of what some of us were trying to get across, which is that maybe you should just be up-front about what you’re looking for (or NOT looking for, as the case may be) when you find yourself with a woman who chased you. Be up front with her about your feelings before you sleep with her, because while there certainly ARE women out there who love sex just for sex, the girls who have to chase after it are usually the ones looking for more than just sex (but have low self esteem and are using it as a way to potentially hook a guy).

    Make sense?

    O’Doyle rules!

    • I will definitely start being more up-front about what I’m looking for… as soon as I get to Vegas next week 😉

      On a serious note, it does make sense, Katie, and I can see in my head where I went wrong in thinking the women I’ve dated would just assume I’m only looking for something casual. I relied too much on my actions to convey that message.

  • Whew!!! After reading about half of the comments, my eyes glazed over. Some of us are into the thrill of the “new” and others of us are into the comfort of the “familiar”. When those two things get confused one for the other, people get hurt. When we’re all on the same page, things move along as they should. Having said that, IMHO, one should be aware of and upfront about his or her intentions and tell the truth about what he or she really wants. Sadly, life doesn’t prepare us adequately for this kind of honesty because in order to tell the truth, one must KNOW the truth about ones self and be willing to share it. I have a lady friend who desperately wants a relationship and is willing to make all kinds of concessions to get it. It never works out for any length of time since she loses interest once her objective is met. It seems the objective isn’t a long term, wonderful relationship but rather the initial conquest. The problem is that she really believes she wants the relationship but observation says not. Having opened that can of worms, I can only say that the unconscious is far stronger than the conscious and if you aren’t getting what you think you want, then it’s time to examine what you’re actually getting and go from there to discover your motivation. Most of us would rather justify our shortcomings than really examine our heart of hearts.

    • Thanks for the comment, Terry, and I completely agree with your thoughts on the unconscious vs conscious and examining our heart of hearts. If there’s one thing I know it’s that I’m constantly changing and developing and what might satisfy me one day might not the next, but to understand that I must constantly re-examine myself and what makes me happy.

  • I hope you’ve matured, or re trying… you are a man; these are the thoughts and actions of a child.

    • Depends on your definition of maturity, and I’m not really sure what you’re referring to when you say “thoughts and actions.”

    • I refer to the insensitivity that you so proudly display, the conceit that must be evident to think that you have right to run through women like produce in a supermarket, groping and squeezing them as you see it. they are people, not subjects in some experiment to determine who Ms. Right Now is. You sould just remain alone until such time as those aspects of your personality mature.

    • The insensetivity/conceit/cockiness/douchebaggery is just part of my writing style. I’m not going to say anymore than that because I don’t want to try and defend myself, but I wrote this piece the way I did to contrast it with the second part.

  • Even if he was upfront with women why should he have to change his mind and settle for a woman he wasn’t interested in to begin with or anymore? Why should a guy settle for a woman that doesn’t respect themself?

  • Women get away with non violent stalking more than men do (because men don’t report it unless it is violent, where women report all kinds). Guys put up with it because it helps boasts our ego when we feel wanted in any form. I personally find pathetic women who can’t take a hint to be very hilarious and put themselves in bad situations. I don’t lack empathy for good women who respect themselves and are smart enough to get the hint. Just like the book “he’s not that into you.”

  • Your the man Ricky! I hope you find a woman with a self esteem, with a personality without a fake persona.

  • I read a whole lot of this blog (blah, boring desk jobs, but I just read blogs all day and am still getting paid, so the little things, right?) and this is the only post I felt compelled to not only read all the comments but to also add my own. The entire debate struck a chord with me because I think it goes straight to the heart of why dating sometimes does feel like war. And, honestly, I think there’s some truth to “all’s fair…”.

    Before anyone leaps on me, let me explain. Obviously all is not fair. Just as there are war crimes and criminals there are definite dating/relationship ethics and those people who violate said moral code. But in both love and war there is a substantial murky area where it’s difficult to draw the line between devastation justified by necessity and that which can be considered truly heinous. Point of view also has a big influence on where the line is drawn: any victim will probably give a harsher evaluation of the situation.

    So back to “justified by necessity”. No one should argue that to achieve military victory it is essential to be self-interested. I think to achieve success in dating, which I (pretty romantically) would define as finding someone who makes you happy to share your life with, you also need to be self-interested. Not a selfish prick, but self-interested definitely – in that I think Rick is perfectly within his rights to recognize that he doesn’t fall for girls who impress him as having insecurity issues.

    I’m not sure if I made a bigger point than “love (or at least dating) is kind of war”, but OMGGGGG it’s 5 I’m out.

    • Well, said, Lisa. I think that ultimately, we all need to realize that everyone always acts selfishly on some level and that isn’t anything necessarily wrong with that. It’s simply our natural behavior.

      Thanks for commenting!

    • Well, first I’d like to say I’m flattered my post was the one to compel you to comment, and props to you for reading all the comments.

      Second, I wholeheartedly agree with your sentiments on being self-interested when it comes to dating as well as your remark, Dennis, about everyone ultimately acting selfishly and that NOTHING is wrong with that.

      Do what makes YOU happy. It’s the only life you have… as far as I know 😉

  • Doing what makes you happy is one thing. Doing so at the deliberate expense of others in another. According to the article, as well as you unapologetic attitude during these comments, you fit in the latter category.

    Another thing: just because “everyone” does something does not make that thing right.

  • Ok, I’m back at the desk and I wanted to make one more point. Some of the comments took a very defensive “didn’t you ever think that these women were just using YOU for sex??” approach. I get it, but I hate that defense. First of all, it feels terrible to be used for sex, and no one should do it. Second, why would we women, so wonderfully lacking in the testosterone that can turn even our sweetest guy friend into a prowling man-beast once the club music gets going and the biddies roll in half-dressed, decide to co-opt that ugly aspect of being a man?

    I used to subscribe to the theory that if you can use a guy purely for sex you are somehow an ideally empowered and liberated woman. In my personal experience, it isn’t true. You can’t out-man a man when it comes to sexual detachment. Unless you’re Samantha, and even she is almost a caricature of herself – not to mention fictional.

    When I still thought I was empowering myself by summoning that drunk frat boy to my bedside at 3AM, I was miserable. The impulse to keep texting or drunk dialing a guy who didn’t feel the need to win my affections in any meaningful way, besides just being generally manly and awesome, always came from my own feelings of inadequacy. When confronted with someone super cool, super hot, or in whatever way more awesome than we think we are ourselves, I think it’s a common reaction to hide our real personality out of fear of not measuring up. Women, however, can then easily resort to using boobs and other things to win a man’s attention. At least then he’s interested in something, right? It’s an awful perpetuating cycle of self-deprecation. I think as women we can also feel like if we just play it right, and be that fantasy girl, he’d be crazy not to stick around (ahem, cooking dinner in lingerie). Also self-deprecating, and kind of degrading. Do that with someone who you know already loves you, not to prove yourself.

    Back to my point: I know women do it but I am very skeptical of a woman who claims to be using someone for sex. Whether it’s true or a defense mechanism, to say you are “using someone” for anything is just sleazy and distasteful.

    And hi, Dennis, thanks for the welcome! I like what you’re doing here. I think I opened the floodgates on blogs and may well be addicted.

    • Well, I’m an evolutionary biologist, so I like to frame human behavior in terms of how they evolved and what they were originally intended for (check out my monogamy article for an example).

      Although a lot of social scientists today like to belittle our evolutionary origins, the bottom line is that four million years of conditioning are difficult to set aside.

      For thousands–if not hundreds of thousands–of years now, the dynamic between males and females has been that males are aggressive and pursue, while females are selective and choose. To try to twist that dynamic today in the name of equal rights between the sexes is, in my opinion, going against many of our most basic instincts.

      Of course, there’s nothing wrong per se with going against our basic instincts. It’s just harder than we think, and it can really mess with us psychologically if we do. So, we have to be wary of that.

  • I think there are two takeaways here:

    Life is a learning process that never ends — for both sexes

    People are different and have different motivating factors for their actions. We can only do what we think is right. It’s not up to anyone else to tell us what’s “right.”

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  • I am a girl.
    I totally agree with what the article implies.
    I think Rick has a fairly good understanding of the art of seduction, which makes the relationships special and fun.

  • RICKY- YOU ARE SO SMART!!!! I found your frank accuracy such the breath of fresh air. Dont even respond to or acknowledge these ignorant commenters. Ignore them into oblivion. And thank you, i really enjoyed the article.

  • I am totally refreshed by this article…can’t believe I’m just finding it in 2012. I am in a long-term (4 years on and off…1.5 years most recently) relationship with a really wonderful guy. When he and I first started dating his confidence was no way near where it is now. He would often say things like “why do you date me? you’re so much better than me,” and he would often catch me by surprise and express how much he loved me when we were out with friends. I always hated when he said he wasn’t as good as me and would tell him to stop!

    Things shifted with us once he gained a little more confidence, realized the importance of maintaing his independence and friends, and saw that we were hanging out way too much. He still loved me, but wanted to also have his time without me. It was such a sucker punch to my ego because I was initially the one thinking we were hanging out too much and trying to establish my freedom. His shift was honestly, very healthy, and ultimately good for both of us, but it was so drastic and painful that it caused a lot of turmoil.

    Fast forward to today, your attitude and some of your ideas sound a lot like his. He often feels like people either love or hate him and so he is striving to maintain a constant attitude of expressing himself no matter what. When we’re good he shares that with me and feels comfortable in my presence to fully be himself. When we’re bad, it’s usually because I am stressing him about something that doesn’t even matter right now instead of enjoying the relationship and seeing how things flow. You can’t really plan love.

    I know this man must really love me because he is with me even though I challenge his independence constantly at an age (25) where men want to flaunt it most. I totally agree that there should always be some challenge there, and have been thinking today about how

    a) A good chunk of the time I spend thinking about and talking about my relationship, I could be using on myself! Your statement that

    “A girl can show interest in me by allowing me to pursue her or more specifically letting me know she wants me to pursue her… If she’s interested she’ll respond to my efforts, and if she’s not, she won’t.”

    is such a relieving statement. The pressure is off…that’s less work for me, fewer expectations for him, and two people who are able to function happily separately and together. And it’s more fun for me when I don’t have to do much work!

    b) these things can be very simple, but are made complicated by so many exterior factors. Just let it flow! (I’m def telling myself this too lol)

    Thanks so much for your honest post!

    • Glad I could provide some insight 😉 Thank you so much for your comment! I’m a strong believer in a relationship consisting of two independent people who just really enjoy spending time together, and it sounds like you’ve got it!

  • Rick-
    I really need some advice from the male perspective. It’s an odd situation of cat & mouse, but over a long period time.

    *I met this guy, we’ll call him ‘B’ about 10 years ago. There was an instant attraction, but I had just started a new relationship & he was still playing the field. Over the past 10 yrs he still chases me. He has told me thousands of times to leave the person I’m with & give us a chance. Even though he has been in a few serious relationships since we met & I’m still with the same person, the feelings have never faded away. I asked him last week that if I wa single, he currently is, would it be the same, would it work because the chase would be over. He said that he hasn’t gone anywhere in 10 yrs, its not about the chase anymore. He said that he loves me, which I already knew, and that he accepted that a long time ago. Even if we were never going to be together. He said that through out every relationship he’s had since we met he has always loved me. I feel very confused. If we did get together would it be a situation of mistaken love? We have remained in close contact over the years, even his friends have told me that he lights up when he talks about me, not the same way when he has brought other women around them. I don’t know if our relationship is based on the fact that we’ve never been together (the most we have done physically is kiss twice in 10 yrs) or after all these years is it real. Are the feelings true? I could never imagine not having him in my life, never. But I also don’t want to throw away what I have with my husband (same person I’ve been with since I met ‘B’) just to find out that it was about the chase. But how do you feel that way about someone for 10 yrs? It doesn’t make sense. Still to this day we talk on the phone for hours and text all day long. I’m in a weird situation. If this was a short feeling I could let it go, but a decade of feelings is a long time.

    • I’ll be honest… Your story resonated pretty strongly with me. If you’ve read the second part to this piece you’re caught up, otherwise here’s the link:

      It’s hard to call what we had as “dating” because we saw each other very infrequently, we didn’t talk much in between those times, and we weren’t sleeping together, but we both admitted to feeling a connection with one another of an intensity neither of us had ever experienced. Last year we went from February to August without seeing or even talking to each other, but when we decided to break that silence and get dinner one evening the moment our eyes met we knew the feelings we had for each other were as strong as they had ever been… as if those 7 months had only been a day.

      For the past year and a half since we met it didn’t matter who I was dating or sleeping with, I always thought about her. I thought I’d never be happy in a relationship unless it was her, but since we had never truly given “us” a shot there was no way to tell for sure. All I knew is my friends had never seen me as happy as when they saw me with her, and her friends had never seen her as happy as when she was with me… it was as if the rest of the world just didn’t exist when we were together.

      So, a little over a month ago we finally decided to give it a shot… I don’t fully understand what happened inside me, but these feelings I had, that I’ve never had for anyone else, were not enough… so I called it off, and only 3 weeks into it.

      I could point blame to a million different things in my head, but in the end I feel at this point I’m just not mentally and emotionally capable of being in a truly loving relationship regardless of how badly I wanted it with her, which probably stems from a combination of fear, my lack of self-esteem, and not truly believing I deserve something great.

      Even now, I still have the same strong feelings for her, but I take a very strange comfort in knowing if I couldn’t make it work with her I’m not going to be able to make it work with anyone, at least not now, and not for a long time, but it took us giving it a shot, and consequently her walking out of my life (one of the worst pains I’ve ever felt), for me to figure that out. I’m not one to pray, but in one form or another I will always be praying that fate will bring us together somewhere down the line, when my mind and heart are actually in a place to completely submit to my feelings for her… and I believe strongly enough in that possibility that it actually brings me happiness when I think about it.

      But I digress.

      I’m not going to tell you what to do, but if she and I had never given these feelings a chance I don’t know if I would have ever stopped thinking about her and wanting to be with her. I’m not sure if I could have ever been content being with another woman if we had not at least tried to make us work.

      What it comes down to for me is if I actually believed I was capable of being happy in a truly loving relationship then I’d still be with her… and I’d be with her for a very long time.

      I have no idea what B has gone through or what he believes about himself deep down, but maybe you two are in the situation she and I will find ourselves in somewhere down the line… or maybe you’re not.

      If there’s one thing I’ve learned from not only my twisted story of love, but everything else I’ve done it’s that I can talk and theorize about something all I want, but in the end there’s really only one way to find out the truth, and that’s to experience it.

  • For God’s sake, stop writing articles like this on the internet. I’m a man and I hate chasing. The best relationship happens when BOTH sides are chasing each other. Plain and simple, no games, straightforward, not hard nor easy to get, just natural attraction between two intelligent creatures.. Jeez

  • Found you by chance online, love your writing. Could you ever have a relationship with someone you had sex with quite early? Or is that always a no-go? I met a guy after my last break up, he chased me for a couple of days, by then I was so emotionally tired I agreed on meeting him. We chatted for hours and hours, then had sex (I was the initiator), I needed it, it made me feel better. The problem was, it was GREAT sex.. so we ended up having sex about 7 times in two weeks (sober), I asked him once if he could sleep over and not have sex, he did, I woke up in his arms. When I left (I moved away), I found myself missing him. We text about once a week, sometimes about random things, sometimes about sex, we always text for several hours, no matter subject. It’s been four months now.. He’s coming over to see me in two weeks, and I realize I like this guy. Should I call it off? I’m not interested in getting burnt..

    • “Could you ever have a relationship with someone you had sex with quite early? Or is that always a no-go?”
      -I can’t really answer this because I have only been in 3 relationships (by society’s definition of one, anyway), 2 of which only lasted a matter of weeks, so that’s not a sample size I’m willing to base a knowledgeable response on.

      I can, however, say this: some women simply become chases in which my feelings will decrease in intensity after sleeping with them, but it doesn’t mean I viewed them as relationship potential beforehand. Chances are if I meet someone and view her as relationship potential I won’t rush to bang her because I’ll expect she’ll be around for a while.

      But like everything else in life, there is one black, one white, and an infinite number of greys. Life has played quite the number of tricks on me over the years so I hesitate to state anything as universal (even this article is a heavy simplification of my experiences).

      As for whether or not you should call it off, I’m not going to tell you what to do. There are countless emotions, feelings, and experiences between the two of you which you both interpret through your own filters developed over the course of your individual lives.

      If you want to know whether to call it off that’s something for the two of you to talk about. Is there long term potential? What do you both want? How do you feel about one another? All of those are important, relevant questions and only the two of you can answer them for yourselves.

  • I appreciate the honesty in this article Rick, though it may be blatant to some.
    Chemistry and attraction is hard to explain sometimes. You may come across as being crude and a jerk for treating Hannah but then we don’t hear from Hannah’s point of view. My last relationship, i would say, is pretty much somewhat like yours and Hannah. I learnt my lesson the hardway. Being elusive is part of my nature, but once i thought that i met ‘the one’, my natural character of being cool and elusive is replaced of being ‘trying too hard’ to make it work. Yah my ex-bf was like you. So this two mix of characters ‘Ms trying too hard’ and ‘Mr fear of commitment and loving my single life too much’ just won’t work.
    So moral of the story, seriously ladies, never try to hard and try to chill, even when you’re already in a relationship. Sometimes, we ladies overthink and overwork about everything. Just bask in the sun and sip that cocktail and let him serve you, while giving him kisses and compliments while he does so. Cheers!

  • Hello,

    This is a great article but it is making me feel guilty! I need an advice!
    I met this amazing guy few months ago in college. He is very close with my best friend, they are like relatives. He is very mysterious and reserved…he has this wall that i just can’t seem to penetrate. On the other side I am reserved but not too much, very open and outgoing and love being a little crazy and I just love to have fun. I’m very emotional in a sense that I express my emotions whether I am upset or happy. So if I like someone I show that i like that particular person. I will help them and treat them in a certain way and flirt with them and get all touchy. He is completely the opposite of me. We’ve become close ever since we met. We go out with other friends together.
    I love flirting around and I know when someone likes me but with him I can never tell. He treats everyone the same way whether it’d be guys or girls. You’re probably thinking I’m some silly college student but no I consider myself smart and mature. He is a bit religious so he is very mature and responsible.
    Last week we (friends) all went out and I had a few drinks. So, I was talking mostly to him and touching him and playing around. So from the side it was pretty obvious that i like him. The entire night he was looking out for me because i was a bit tipsy. I was worried that maybe I annoyed him but I asked our friends and they all told me he looked very flattered actually.
    My friend told me that he likes to be the initiator and the dominant one or the ‘man.’ But I have zero patience and want things done quickly. Since you wrote, “Because if I am interested, I will pursue her” do you think I should wait or just make the first move?
    He flirts with me but again it’s very hard to tell if he likes me because he treats all girls the same way.

    What do you think I should do?
    What are the signs that guys show when they like a girl?

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