True Friends Stab You In The Front

"You need to grow a pair!"

I’m a bad girl.

I don’t mean that I’m promiscuous, a partier, or a bitch. I mean I’m bad at being a girl. All my life, societal norms have told me that I’m not a good female specimen. And I’m generally okay with the fact that I play pool, own a snake, am an engineer, like sports, and didn’t own a purse until I was 23.

But recently, a much more glaring phenomenon was brought to my attention.

I was at the bar, playing a pool match, and made a quick trip to the bathroom. A friend of mine walked in behind me, with all the telltale signs of a girl who’s about to have a breakdown. I decided it would probably be better for me to stay and see her through.

Like any good friend, I asked her what was going on. And the floodgate opened.

“I’m not good at anything. I don’t understand what’s wrong with me.”

“’Splain, Lucy.”

“I just lost my eighth pool match in a row… I drink too much… My boyfriend doesn’t appreciate me….” I’ll spare you the rest.

I sat her on the sink, looked into her eyes, mustered as much compassion as I could, and I told her to get the hell over it. If she didn’t like her boyfriend taking her for granted, why was she still with him? If she was losing at pool, she should either quit or practice more. If she didn’t like the hangovers, she should put down the pint. I told her that there was absolutely nothing in her life that warranted the kind of self-pity normally reserved for terminally ill patients. And even then, I’ve known terminally ill patients who had a less dismal outlook on life than she did at that moment. I told a woman that she needed to grow a pair. I then splashed some water on her face and told her to quit crying and to get the hell out of the bathroom… because crying in a bathroom is just pathetic. And yes, I actually used the word “pathetic.”

I then realized that this is a common theme in my life. I’m the one people come to when they need a proverbial swift kick in the ass. It happened to the pill-head in Vegas. It happened to the girl who got herpes in college. And it happened to my Mom when she had her mid-life crisis (although I don’t recommend calling the woman who gave you life a “stubborn bitch” after she’s downed half a bottle of single-malt scotch).

Women are supposed to be compassionate, caring, and gentle. I’m about as gentle as recycled toilet paper. And yet, it works for me. My maternal instincts seem to be intact. I was just born without the ability to coddle. I don’t have sympathy for anyone in a situation that they can control. I don’t seek to intentionally hurt people, but I’m not going to fluff their pillow and tell them that everything’s going to be okay if they just stick it out, either.

So does that make me bad at being a girl? Or does it just make me a new, better, more efficient breed of femininity?

A common theme in gender psychology today is the idea that women are so overly compassionate that they hold themselves back in life, in relationships, in the work-force, in everything. Women are so instilled, both environmentally and biologically, with the idea that other people’s needs are more important than their own, that the very trait that makes them excellent at basic biological functions also makes them completely unaware of their own needs and desires.

Not for me, I say. My lack of unwarranted empathy has given me the respect of male counterparts, an amazing ability to tell people the thing that they need to hear, as opposed to what they want to hear, and a die-hard appreciation for all Bruce Willis movies.

But it has had more than its share of consequences. It’s alienated people who didn’t want to put up with my particular brand of therapy, but who were still people I valued. It’s given me the patience of a four-year old (or perhaps that’s a symptom of the problem and not a result?), which has impacted everything from work to relationships to my wardrobe. And it sure as hell makes my relationships harder.

Everyone makes trade-offs in their life. I’ve traded away some friends, some relationships, and even a job or two. But what I’ve gained is a life without whiners. For some, the things they’d lose are more important than having to spend a little time sparing someone’s feelings. For me, I’ve kept the things that are truly important to me, so the losses, while hurtful, are not insurmountable.

It kind of makes me wonder what else I’m going to lose in the future. But hey, when it happens, at least I’m sure as hell not gonna bitch about it!

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  • Becca, you need to stop whining about the whiners of the world! :-p

  • It makes me smile to know that another confident woman is able/willing to use a modified version of compassion and realism in dealing with the whining, bitching, self-pitying, not willing to better themselves people of the world!

  • @Dong: Is there any place in life you can’t find just a smidge of hypocrasy?

    @Missy: Thank you. Every once in a while, I get into a little trouble when I tell people they’re pansies, but overall it’s TOTALLY worth it! Plus, this way, I NEVER have to buy tissues… no one’s allowed to cry!

  • Love it and you, Becca 😀

  • I don’t think you’re bad a being a girl. We as a society have gotten away from telling people what they need to hear.

    I never understood why a chick would piss and moan about some jerk who is messing up her life and then get miffed at me for telling her he’s a jerk and to split.

    It’s not that I won’t give people a hug and tell them things will be okay, but only if that’s what I really think. Otherwise, meh. I can’t abide a pity party.

  • @Lex: Ditto, my dear!

    @Jaber: I agree, the tendency to become PC and sugarcoat everything for fear of offending someone has created a society of self-pitying weenies.

  • I wish more people would learn to suck it up and grow a pair.
    p.s. the included picture is priceless.

  • @Aver: You like that? I always wondered what I’d look like spouting obscenities in a Stanley Kubrick movie! Now we know… R. Lee Ermie ain’t got NOTHIN’ on me.

  • Good for you! I’m going to have to try your water splashing technique the next time one of my girlfriends needs a talking to 🙂

  • Failing that, I hear Dick Cheney has a good water boarding technique you could try….

  • To answer your question, yes you are a better, more efficient breed of femininity. I am that girly girl that needs a friend like you.

  • You know the phrase, “You go, girl!” just popped into my head after reading this. So based upon that reaction–you are are a girl. 😉


  • @Kat: It works almost as well as a slap in the face, but doesn’t have quite the same international-treaty-breaking consequences as water-boarding.

    @Chaiteaheart: You’re more than welcome to hit me up if you need a swift kick in the ass!

    @Rachel: I once had a boss that told me that I had single handedly brought the word “broad” back into his woman-describing vocabulary. I was kind of proud of that. Thanks!

  • Excellent! I’m the same way. Nothing wrong with it.

  • I’m pretty sure if evey woman dumped a guy because she was feeling underappreciated, the divorce rate would be much much higher. I think we all need to do a little bitching and crying once in awhile. I don’t think I’m very good at being a chick either, but when a friend is hurting I’m going to be there for her, because some day I might need a shoulder to cry on even if it’s not completely rational. Everyone needs someone to turn to and if you can’t talk to your friends, who the hell can you talk to? If I’d been in your shoes I would have reminded my friend of all the things she is good and that she has better things to do then hang out in a bar practicing pool all night long, it’s supposed to be fun. I’d remind her of all the people who do appreciate her and find out why she didn’t feel appreciated and let her know how much I valued her. The truth can be delivered in ways that can help you keep your friends and reduce the whining. And the great thing is, when you need someone to really listen to you and not ust crack jokes, they’ll be more likely to respond in turn.

  • I think there’s a difference between venting and whining. When a friend vents, they just want someone to lend an ear and sometimes give some advice or offer support. When they’re whining, they just want someone to pity them and give them attention. I don’t condone the latter, but the former is something that I think everyone catches themselves doing, especially with friends, more often than not. The girl in the bathroom definitely sounded like a whiner.

    Sometimes people need a reality check. Sometimes comforting words might be helpful, but if someone is bound and determined to believe that their life is horrible (especially when it’s nothing they couldn’t change) and the only immediate solution is to throw themselves a pity party, I think a swift kick in the pants is one of the best courses of action.

  • @Meg: She was a chronic whiner. One of the reasons her boyfriend didn’t appreciate her: she cheated. Why she was so pissed about being bad at pool: she entered tournaments for lots of money, and lost it. She very obviously put herself in those situations, and then had her own little pity party every time she could get someone to listen to her. I’m all for venting when things aren’t going your way, but I’m not going to waste my time listening to the relationship problems of a chronic cheater.

    @Julie: My point exactly. I understand the universe hates us and dumps on us every once in a while, but not when you’re the one sticking your hand in the bee’s nest. My mother always told me: If you don’t like a situation, you can either chage your attitude, or change your situation.

  • @Meg – I think different people have different things to offer. If I want a hug and someone to listen to me whinge – I know where to go. If I need a swift kick in the rump – I know where to go. Some people never want to be told the truth and some people just need a chance to vent before moving on with their lives. I can’t abide by the former, but completely understand the latter. I think it’s wonderful you’re such a supportive and kind friend, but I think some people don’t always deserve it.

  • I hate recycled toilet paper. That metaphor really hit home with me.
    As for being the kind of gal who doesn’t put up with s**t and could care less about playing the game, you’re right, it’s not without consequences. But I don’t have the energy to live life any other way!

  • @Jaber: I’d love to see you whinge! I don’t even know how to do that! In any case, yes, all my friends know not to come to me unless they want the well-this-is-what-you-have-to-do-and-stop-bitching speech, they shouldn’t come to me.

    @Jasmine: My mom used to buy it, and it pissed me off…

  • resullins – Egads, there’s only a select group of close dears I’d whinge in front of. Terribly embarrassing and whatnot.

  • Don’t feel bad… I just re-read my last comment that was SO grammatically correct!

  • Rebecca, that makes a lot more sense about your friend, knowing those things about her! I was looking from the other side of the fence. I got really frustrated this summer trying to poor my heart out to a friend, not complaining, but just trying to share my feelings and my friend totally turned my feelings into a joke. I was trying to have an intimate conversation and instead she used the opportunity to make wisecracks. It really hurt. Since I’m pretty crappy at being a girl, I’ve found that when I do have my girly moments, it’s hard sometimes finding that person who will listen. Actually, that may be why I write!

  • Meg: I will listen and help if someone is having a genuine problem, but my definition of genuine problem is different than a lot of girl’s. If that makes sense…. I just don’t have the patience for the drama that most people seem to thrive on!

  • Liked the post, makes total sense. Most girls I know would be appalled if told to shut up and get on with it but maybe that is the best thing to say. At least you don’t have to listen to the whining again. Don’t get me wrong, if someone needs a shoulder to cry on or there is a genuine reason to vent then that is a different matter. What does drive me insane however is when a friends is going on and on about the same issue all the time but never does anything about it. Do people crave miserability?…ehm not sure if that is a real word…but it seemed to fit. 🙂

  • I think that some girls simply require drama, or “miserability”, in their lives to function properly. Just like I need caffiene, alcy’s need a drink, whatever.

    I’ve met women that are completely bored being happy and normal. They create fights and issues with everyone around them… for attention, for pity, whatever. It drives me NUTS!

  • Strange this post is totaly unrelated to what I was searching google for, but it was listed on the first page. I guess your doing something right if Google likes you enough to put you on the first page of a non related search.

  • I really like this post. That being said, I have been told to “shut up” more than a couple of times for being too blunt and straight to the point. Its a fine balance between being “bad” and “good”, and i don’t think I’ve found it yet.

    I also think the patience of a four year old is actually a product of the problem, and age. I used to be much more patient when I was younger, but the older I get the less bullshit I tolerate.

    • Yeah, I’m the same way. When I was younger, I tended to be much more sympathetic. But now that I’m older and have had a chance to deal with more people’s crap (and see the same issues over and over and over and over again), sometimes, I’m just like, “suck it up and deal!”

      Wait, let me rephrase. I still think I’m sympathetic. I (like Res) just don’t coddle people as much as I used to. Because I really don’t believe that’s what people always need.

  • Useful information shared..Iam very happy to read this article. Thanks for giving us nice info. Fantastic walk-through. I appreciate this post.

  • Free advice from my daddy – If you’re looking for sympathy, you’ll find it in the dictionary between shit and syphilis – Then he’d tell me that the answer to my problem could be located between my ears. Rebecca Sullins… ARE a good girl – the kind a real man would be proud to have in his life.

    • Rebecca Sullins

      Terry, thank you for that little phrase. I’m going to have to steal it if you don’t mind! I’m lucky, I found a guy that appreciates this part of me… but occasionally thinks it’s adorable when I skwunch my face up when I’m angry!

  • grins – steal away love – your guy is lucky too – makes for a good fit no? May your life be filled with wonderful people and may all the bullshit feed the flowers. 😉

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