Musings on Life and Love

I sometimes call myself an introvert. But really, that is oversimplifying it.

I sometimes call myself an extrovert. But well, that’s not accurate.

As it turns out, my social self is complicated … like most people’s. The reality is that introversion and extraversion are not fixed binaries. They’re more like points on a spectrum, where people shift back and forth over time and in different situations.

So here’s my deal, and I wonder if you may relate to it …

1. Socially speaking, I am totally comfortable with one-on-one conversations.
2. Socially speaking, I am also totally comfortable in big crowds. (As a quick caveat, I’m referring only to social comfort here. I’m disregarding the physical discomforts that can come with being in a big crowd, which are legitimate, but not the point of this post.)

And as it turns out, the two are totally not contradictory. In fact, I find them to be in perfect alignment …

Speaking to one other person requires mental bandwidth, but I don’t find it too challenging to keep up with the conversation.

In a big crowd, it’s impossible to carry on a long conversation, anyway. With so many distractions all around, interactions often get interrupted and shortened. Ironically then, big crowds are not very socially conducive environments. And that’s what I love about them.

Do you know what drains me the most socially?

Small groups sitting around talking.

These settings are exhausting for me, because I find myself having to do all of the following:

Try to keep up as the conversation bounces back and forth between different people talking, sometimes at the same time …

Try to be patient when there’s something I want to share, because I don’t want to be too aggressive jumping in on the conversation …

Try to decide (after being patient) if I should still jump, or if I waited too long and the conversation has already moved on …

Try to decide which conversation to follow when the inevitable side conversations sprout up …

Try to be mindful if someone gets interrupted, and then decide if I should try to steer the conversation back …

Try to stay attentive if someone is talking to the whole group, and halfway through their story, everyone else has shifted their attention away from this person, and I am the only one they’re left talking to …

Damn, that shit is exhausting. After a while, I find myself mentally checking out. And that’s when things sometimes get even worse …

Because then I get called out. Like, someone will point out that I’ve been quiet and ask if I’m okay.

What’s happening is that I just need to withdraw and recharge for a bit.

What people perceive is that I’m acting fine, and then get kind of sullen. When they check on me, it’s always from a place of caring. But then I have to explain myself …

Yes, I’m okay.

No, I’m not bored.

(Well, maybe I am a little bit, but that’s totally fine. I don’t need other people to entertain me.)

The bottom line is that I’m just kind of done keeping up with the conversation. It’s nothing personal. I’m checking out because I’m drained. But then I have to expend more energy to explain why I checked out or pretend I’m still engaged.

Ugh.

And that’s why I love crowded settings. When I’m hanging out in a big crowd, that list of things I’m trying to do no longer feels like an obligation. And even better, I get to take care of both my extrovert and introvert sides …

I can let my extrovert feed off the energy pervading through the crowd. I can talk and socialize as much as I want.

And as soon my social bandwidth is at capacity, I can check out and recharge my introvert. I can stand back and pretend I’m just grooving to the music or doing whatever it is we’re purportedly doing in this big crowded location. I don’t have to pretend to listen or stay engaged enough to avoid being called out.

And whenever I’m ready, I can jump back in and be social again.

See? Best of both worlds. And that’s why I recommend big crowded settings if you love being around people (hey yooo, fellow extrovert!), but also have limited capacity for actually interacting with people (why, hello, my fellow introvert).