Pumpkin Patches And Bumble Bees – A Girlfriend’s Guide To Football
Having a man in my life means a quite a few things:
1. I have someone I’m crazy about and am not afraid to let my freak flag fly.
2. I have someone who finds all the weird things around my apartment that need fixing.
3. I have someone who knows how to fix all those weird things around my apartment and VOLUNTARILY does it. I win!
It also means I’m learning a bunch of things about sports I never knew. For example, this time of year is apparently the best time of year if you’re a sports fan. Something about how baseball, basketball and football all converge together and OMG, SPORTSGASM!!!
Clyde is a football freak. He doesn’t usually cuss, but stick him in front of the TV when there’s a team he really loves and/or hates with a passion, and it’s like a classic case of Jekyll and Hyde. My usual mild-mannered boyfriend instantly transforms into the biggest sh*t talker I know. And I know a lot of people with nuclear potty mouths.
“COME ON, YOU MOTHER F*CKER!! GET THE F*CKING BALL, YOU LOSER! F*CKING SH*T!!!”
“NO, YOU F*CKING ASSHOLE!! WHY’D YOU DROP THE BALL!! AAAAGGGHHH!!! * bleep * bleep * bleep *
So what does mean for me, the sports noob? It means I get to be entertained by my boyfriend… I mean, I get to be supportive. When Clyde and I first got together, it was towards the end of football season, so I had no idea what I was getting myself into. When the Season of Man started this year, we were getting breakfast at Eureka Cafe when he delicately tried to explain to me his obsession with football.
I listened patiently and quickly determined the following:
1. My man is an average, red blooded male in this respect.
2. My man is trying to explain why he’s going to turn into a complete zombie and why he’ll be glued to the TV.
3. My man is trying to explain why he’ll be afflicted with a sudden acute onset of Tourette’s when watching a game.
I smiled, sipped my coffee, and said that was fine with me. You see, I know that, as much as loves sports, he loves me. I know that if I needed his help with something, or if I was in trouble, he would come to help me. I don’t see his love of sports as a threat to me.
If the reverse were true and he neglected me for sports, this conversation wouldn’t be happening.
I can see why some girlfriends/wives hate this time of year. Their men become robots and only come alive when there’s some ball being flung around. They’re less attentive than normal, and they start speaking in grunts or in some secret language most females don’t understand because it’s in sports code. I understand the frustration, but unless he completely tunes you out and checks out of the relationship, I don’t see why it’s such a bad thing.
The way I see it, you can either try to change him, or you can just let him be.
Try to change him, and you’ll meet a huge wall of resentment. I don’t see this going well because it’s an otherwise harmless hobby. It’s a problem if he has, for example, gambling issues, but what’s wrong with letting the man watch a couple of games?
So, I say, let the man watch his football games! Ask yourself if you really need to have his undivided attention and adoration 24/7. I don’t know about you, but I think I’d be desperate for some personal space and time. Enter sports to the rescue!
I’m glad that he has something in his life that he loves and that I have absolutely no clue about. It’s something either I can learn to appreciate and buy a bunch of cute jerseys to wear, or it’s something that I know will entertain him while my girlfriends and I go out.
If I end up watching the game with him, I entertain myself by renaming all the teams. Whatever school has the yellow and black uniforms are now The Bumble Bees. The weird green uniform people are The Alligators, and the orange-and-brown guys are Pumpkin Patch.
This keeps me interested and involved. My boyfriend just thinks I’m crazy.
To me, it’s a win-win situation. The Season Of Man almost guarantees a time of year where my man can have his Boys’ Night, while my girlfriends and I support each other. Whether we do it while shopping, lunching, having cocktails, or [insert another activity that does not put your relationship in jeopardy], who cares? The important thing is both my partner and I can spend some quality bonding time with our respective friends and/or each other.
Even if that quality bonding time involves Pumpkin Patches and Bumble Bees.