12 Lessons I Learned From Our Mexican Riviera “Unvacation”

If you read my previous article, you probably noticed that I strayed from my usual subject matter to talk about some non-dating-related events in my life. Well, I figured there were some important lessons to be learned from all this. And here they are:

12. Do not ever sustain a serious injury on a cruise ship. You will literally be dumped off and stranded on the nearest desert island (or peninsula).

11. It is entirely possible to consume a week’s worth of cruise ship food in a single sitting if you know that you’re about to be ingloriously and involuntarily disembarked from said ship the following morning.

10. The easiest way to cut in front of 1,500 people lined up to board a boat is via stretcher. If you’ve ever been to Disneyland and designated someone in your group to rent a wheelchair for the day, you’re probably aware of this strategy already.

9. Think ambulance sirens are loud? Try being inside the ambulance as its sirens are blaring.

8. For a mere $20,000, you can charter your own private plane to fly you from Cabo San Lucas to Los Angeles. It’s called an air ambulance.

7. I feel lazy in Mexico. The average office job there is 8 hours per day, 6 days per week.

6. I feel tall in Mexico. My mom’s doctors were all under 5’5″.

5. I think I could live with being tall and lazy.

4. Imperviousness to Vicodin must be genetic. When I discovered that Vicodin did nothing for me after my knee surgery, I figured that I had developed a cross-tolerance care of my boozing. However, my mom was equally unaffected by Vicodin, and she doesn’t drink anywhere near as much as I do. Unless there’s something I don’t know about her.

3. If you ever want to smuggle dangerous liquids onto an airplane, use a catheter bag. Airport security will probably not feel the need to pat it down, and they definitely won’t make you pour out the liquid contents, even if they exceed three ounces.

2. You never appreciate the technological convenience that is a jetway until you have to board a plane in a wheelchair without one such jetway.

And the Number 1 lesson I learned on our unvacation:

1. God $%#@, it’s good to be back in the United States.

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