Talk To Us: When a guy asks out your friend after you’ve already turned him down
Okay, I have a question for the women:
After a guy asks you out and you turn him down, what is your “statute of limitations” for how long he has to wait before he asks out one of your friends? Now, I’m not talking about your ex-boyfriend hitting on your best friend. I’m talking about a guy who expresses interest in you, you do not return the interest, then he decides to express an interest in your friend. How long does the waiting period have to be for you NOT to consider him a sleazebag?
The extreme case here would be the guy at the bar who approaches a group of girls, propositions the first one he makes contact with, gets shot down, turns to her friend, propositions her, gets shot down again, and basically just moves on down the line. That’s a pretty dumb move. And that I can figure out on my own. But, there has to be some point where you wouldn’t consider it so despicable anymore, right? So… where would you draw the line? A day? A week? A year?
Now, before y’all start wondering which one of your friends I’m interested in, let me explain that this is for an article idea that I’m mulling at the moment (although, I’m sure your answer will be a good point of reference in the future should the opportunity ever arise). Yes, I admit I maaaay have done this in the past. But no, I am not planning to hit on your friend… yet. 😉
In the same veins, are there any other things that guys do that you consider uber-sleazy? Come on, I know you’ve got stories for me….
Addendum: The product of this discussion can be found here.
Honestly, I think you can do it as soon as you want if she shows no interest, but the next girl might feel like second best if she knows you tried to hit on her friend first.
Thanks, Kelly. Yeah, I had another friend point out that it’s not so much that the guy is being sleazy. He’s just being very NOT smooth. And probably killing any chance he might otherwise have had with the second girl.
lol i have a phrase for it. it’s called “double dipping”. the threshold of No-to-double dipping is much higher in the female world compared to the male’s in my very humble experience. I
BUT if one really must dipped into another pots of old treasure (hey one woman’s garbage is another’s treasure right?) I’d say there is no such as a correct time frame. It could be a day, week, or year later and the reaction would still be somewhat the same – slight distaste (although the level of distaste might be strong had the double dipping been more recent).
But after awhile say the second friend you pursued was interested as well, then the distate quickly disappears. But if the second person was also not interested and you proceed onto the third…the time frame for sure is infinity – meaning you really need to stop fishing in the same pond if ya know what I sayin’
…did I even answer your question?
If you knew a group of girl friends, wouldn’t you decide which one you were the most interested in, and hit on her? And if that didn’t work, why would you bother hitting on any of the others? Because clearly she wasn’t your top choice, so you’d just be “settling” – which is never going to work out well in the long run anyway. Did that make sense?
I don’t think it’s necessarily creepy to go after girls from the same group of friends. In fact, it kind of makes a lot of sense. Hear me out on this. So you hang out with a group of girls and they’re all really cool, but maybe one is more your physical type, so you hit on her first and she turns you down. But the girls are all cool, so you take it like a man and fall into friend mode. After awhile, you find that you actually have a lot more in common or discover different things about one of the other girls who may not be as much of your physical type, but you find yourself attracted to her. As long as you’re still not interested in the first girl, why not pursue things with this girl who you really like and who might actually like you back? Friends who hang out tend to have similar interests and values and it makes sense that if one of them is cool, the other might be cool too. I understand when someone hits on my friends, because they are awesome women.
I think what matters is that you get to know the second girl before you go after her and don’t hit on her simply because she’s the second cutest.
I will go with my visceral response and say: “no way”
The sleaze factor is really much more related to whether the guy is doing something like working the “volume theory” rather than a period of time.
I actually had this happen in a club…so a guy came onto the dance floor and we were a group of girls in a circle…. I believe people can make rather quick decisions about whether they find someone attractive or not and I didn’t find this guys style anywhere in line with mine but he made it clear he wanted to dance near me…. I turned away and he started dancing with my friend… they hooked up and eventually married! In this circumstance I think it’s really hard for a guy to have the courage to join a group….. he may not even be aware of a particular girl he likes just wants to join the girls and if someone shows interest and he likes that he will pursue it….My friend and I had a giggle about it..she knew he wasn’t my type…..Actually now I think about it its worked the other way for me too and I was a little miffed because we both liked the same guy but hey…..he liked my friend better…..I was probably easier to approach so he started there…
Being hit on doesn’t mean it’s a happenin thing……it can take a while to work that out and its more than possible the guy likes someone else in your group because your friends are probably relatively similar….so I’m not bothered by this…. sleaze factor is always obvious……and in my view completely separate to asking someone out….
hey Meg – you gotta point! I rescind my earlier comment. 😉
Wait, so which friend has a bigger rack, the first or the second?
Well, sometimes never. I know that there have been times when I am not interested in someone, but I also don’t want them to be interested in someone else. And aren’t there enough “fish in the sea” so this guy would not need to ask out the friend? I think this come down to the girl, the situation, etc. What about the girl who is second? Wouldn’t you think that she might have an issue if she is going out with a guy who didn’t choose her first? Ahah! This has become a lot bigger than the simple question!
I’m with Meg on this one, although it *may* become a sensitive subject between the girls further down the line. I have seen the “your boyfriend asked me out first” several times in the past, but that’s a separate discussion and says more about those girls than the guy. Basically, the length of time depends on the situation. Too quickly though can be off-putting to both girls.
Dennis – are you planning a man’s version of Sex and the City? 😉
Well, that’s a stupid question, Noel. Of COURSE the first girl has a bigger rack. Why else would you approach her first?
To everyone else who chimed in… thanks for the comments! So, I was thinking that for this upcoming article, I’m gonna branch out a little and attempt to write it up as a sort of “he said, she said” debate/forum, with quotes and everything from the comments y’all have left here, as well as some of the messages some of you have sent me. Please let me know if you would rather I NOT quote you, or if you’d rather I change your name. I think some of you have made some excellent points, and I want to give credit where credit is due.
Thanks again for giving me stuff to write about!
PS: I just want to quote you on the opinions you’ve voiced. If you’ve shared a personal story with me, I always change the name and try to make it as untraceable as possible.
I think you are forgetting about the girl rules: you don’t date a guy your friend dated… or had interest in. so sometimes it works the other way: you dont date the guy who opened his heart to your friend saying how much he liked her just cause she said no. We are fickle creatures and you will never be able to get a straight answer on this one. because even though there are rules, we are always changing the rules on you. I will say, if a guy gets called on being a creep for asking out the friend, it probably means we thought he as a creep in the first place.
The good news is, if we really like a guy, we throw the rules out the window, friendship be damned.
please quote me on “double dipping” – margareutus maximus
It depends on the situation. I survey the land first and then approach. Inevitably, I hit on the wrong girl and discover later in the day/ night that I’ve made a mistake. Now what? I fess up. You’re beautiful and that’s why I attracted to you but our personalities don’t really fit. I’ll trade you one of my friends for one of yours? (It helps when Scott Good’s your friend!)
I think it should be fine to make a wrong connection and be able to be honest and mature about the situation. It back fired once though because the girl I felt wasn’t a fit for me thought I was a fit for her. Off to the bathroom the pack traveled and back to the bar or the bbq I went. “So it goes,” says Billy Pilgrim.
For the most part we’re all looking for a connection to another so why stand in the way. I was dating a girl once and I knew it would be short lived but it was still fun and more enjoyable than not dating. Anyway, I arrived at an out of town event a day later than planned and discovered…
That they were into each other. My ego was dented but I could see they were a good fit. So, I told them I thought so. They’ve been dating and having a great time. Does it suck for me? Not really, I helped two people find joy in each other, two people I care about. So, my take is don’t be a cock block. Let go of your ego and recognize the greater good.
Ok, so I tried reading one of your articles and you are a talented writer…but then I read your point of view on the male/female/dating/relationship perspective and realized that you writing about male/female relationships is like me writing about wealth management, we can make good arguement but in reality we don’t know jack.
Ask many people this questions and you will get three answers depending on the three character types:
Women: Will tell you it sleazy, stupid, not right or tell you detailed scenarios of which it is appropriate. The Golden Rule “He who owns the Gold Make the Rules” women have the gold they make the rules in this case.
Most Guys: It takes most guys so much to work up the courage to ask a girl out, after being turned down it is usually so davasting the if we ask her friend out then it is usually out of revenge and usually involves the easier target (think fat, ugly, insecure or just broke up friend)
Then there are the Glebs of the world: Those of you not familliar with “GLEB” he goes by the salesmen or shotgun theory. NO is but an opinion, just move on quickly to the next one friend. Despite every rationale theory of why this should not work…..his success rate was phenomenal.
Again, I go back to the Golden Rule. There is no one answer as those who have the gold make the rules!
I just have to comment on Jasmine’s comment. SAY WHAT? Girl, you throw the rules out the window on me and I’m gonna be ticked. No dating my men – especially since you are married ; ) I know, I know,this is going to be a real imposition on YOUR dating ability. Hehehe.
OK, seriously, Jasmine is sorta right. We girls use the “rules” as much to test our friends as the guy. Your best girlfriend will under no circumstances date a guy you have loved without getting your express permission first. If she’s your best girlfriend, however, you’ll give her permission to date the guy if you see a mutual interest and think they are right for eachother. This also provides an easy out for the casual girlfriend who goes after your man. If she does it, she doesn’t want to be friends with you in the first place Yes, girls use other girls to get what they want – ie: invited to a specific event, introduced to someone you are friends with, etc.
As for asking out the friend of the first girl who turned you down, you have every right to ask out her friends. Just because she’s not interested doesn’t mean that you should go celibate for life. And let’s face it, if you were attracted to the first girl because of her personality, the odds are that you will also find some of her best friends attractive for similar reasons. That said, try to look like you care a little, and and don’t ask her friend(s) out the same night…. or maybe even within a few weeks…..
The above answer assumes that you actually want to have a relationship with the girl. If you are just looking for a fling, different rules apply…. but generally speaking, if you just move on down the bar girl by girl, you will get labeled a sleaze.
I have to dead on stories for you on this topic that I will email to you, but yes, for those you must change the names. If you don’t hear from me in the next day or two, send me an email to remind me.
Gee, thanks for the reminder, Abel. :-p You know, I never said that I knew Jack. (Although, I am getting pretty familiar with Jim and Johnny.) Then again, who wants to get lectured by a self-professed guru telling you everything you’re doing wrong in your life? Isn’t it more fun to read about someone who DOESN’T know jack? I figured they’d make for funnier stories, anyway….
So Dennis, I have a new angle to this question to add to your forum. Would you stay friends with a guy/girl who kissed you and then a day or two later asked out your friend who you introduced him/her to the same night he/she was flirting with and kissing you?
Okay, seriously, Meg. I think you need to find a better way to meet guys. Cuz whatever way you’re using right now ain’t working.
Apparently 10 years was not enough time to assess him properly! I’ve known him since college, but we just recently started hanging out again. I am starting to wonder what is wrong with me. Besides my obnoxious inability to not argue when I’m wrong.
Sorry. Does somebody realize how to define a real Expert Avisor from fake and a real signal from fraudulent? sorry for inconvinience
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