Do It Like They Do On The Discovery Channel

Anybody remember this song? Cracks me up every single time, and that’s precisely my point:

IT. MAKES. ME. LAUGH. It does not make me want to jump your bones. That is, unless you’re someone I’ve been dating for a long time because you know how to make me laugh when you do a monkey dance and I will somehow find that sexy as hell.

Watch the video before reading the rest of this post. Don’t worry. I’ll even wait for you.

So here’s what I don’t understand. Why do guys think it’s sexy to tell a female, “I want to [bleep] you like an animal,” the first time you meet her? It makes me think of the following things:

Who Let The Dogs Out

Barking at me does not make me want to do the horizontal monkey dance with you.

I don’t understand this. Why do guys bark like dogs at us? And not like a cute, little fluffball kind of lap dog, which, by the way, also does not translate into “sexy time.” I’m talking barking like a… like a… pit bull or rottweiler or something. You know. One of those really manly man dogs… or should I say “dawgs”?

This does not mean I register your imagined superhuman levels of testosterone. I will start thinking you have issues or maybe you got bitten by a rabid dog when you were little.

Come on. It’s like if I were to go up to some random, semi-decent looking guy and start… moo-ing like a cow or screeching like a hawk or some other scary bird of prey. Oh, yeah. Come on, baby, light my fiiiire… you know you want some of this! *mooooo*

Food Fight

Food is good. I love food. All sorts of delicious edible things are used during a romp in the sheets. The only downside is the incredible mess you just made, and I’m willing to bet your sheets will be ruined. Anyway, some examples are:

– whipped cream
– honey
– ice cubes
– chocolate covered strawberries
– champagne

You get the picture. The idea is to use these as props. It’s one thing to have someone think I look good enough to eat. It’s another thing entirely when they’re trying to take a chomp out of me like I’m their personal Bonnie-flavored ice cream sundae. I love Hannibal Lecter. I do not want to be Hannibal Lecter’s dinner. I also don’t want to be your dinner either. Period. End of story.

Case in point, the super weird and gross tongue flapping thing. Ugh! Agh!!

Ladies. Fellas. Please. It is never okay to show me how you can turn your tongue into your own mini wind generating device. That’s just disgusting. Maybe they do this to show their potential bed buddy how dexterous their tongue is. I’ve no idea what they’re thinking because I’m too busy either laughing or running away. Probably both at the same time.

In Conclusion

There’s nothing wrong with being silly and having fun with your partner. I’m all for that, but I think this should be attempted only when you’ve established some kind of relationship with them. I don’t know how successful you’d be if you were to bust any of these moves on your potential prey the first time you cornered them wherever your preferred hunting grounds were.

That is, unless you’re at some kind of freak show. If it is… yeah, I don’t know what to say to you at this point.

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