Image by Buero Monaco
For nine months during my first year of university, I was in a casual relationship with two different women.
Right. This is where most people expect macho bragging, but I’m actually not going to do that. It was great… for awhile. But ultimately, I broke it off because I couldn’t deal with being used for sex. As a guy, I feel incredibly weird just typing that out, but it’s how I felt.
Of the few people I’ve told, the result has always been high-fives and pats on the back. Even when I told my mother, her response was a simple, “Good for you son! Glad to see you’re enjoying university.”
The first girl was my girlfriend before the start of university. We broke up with the understanding that university is a time to enjoy yourself and not be tied down to another person, but we somehow ended up living in the same town.
One night, I received a message asking me to come over. I had to muster up a good amount of willpower, but my reply was no. We were supposed to be meeting new people, and I didn’t want to retread the same path.
Several days later, the same thing happened. Again, I said no. Finally, a week later, she was a lot clearer and simply messaged saying, “I only want sex.”
This time, I agreed. Soon, this became a regular occurrence: She would send me a message, and I would go round to her house. It seemed like the best deal on earth at the time (and this was when I was living in a place that had 50-pence drinks and free sandwich parties).
The second girl, I met at a party. We got drunk and spent the night together. The next morning, we parted ways amicably, and I thought nothing more of it until I received a message a few days later. Not wanting to pursue a relationship with this girl, I replied no. But as before, I received a second message stating, “I only want sex.”
I agreed, and this became another casual relationship.
Being desired in this way by two women was a huge ego boost. I won’t deny that. After these two relationships, I stopped getting that nervous awkward feeling I used to get when speaking to women. I was able to make some really close female friends, something I’d never been able to do before. The confidence boost also made me a more social person in day-to-day life, something friends and family commented on.
But then one day, I came to a realization that transformed the huge ego boost into a huge ego blow.
The day that my friends and I finished our first-year exams, we were sitting in our room with a whole bunch of junk food, prepared to hang out one last time before summer. It was at this point that I got a familiar message. Only this time, my answer (for the first time in months) was no. At that moment, I just wanted to spend time with my friends. That was more important to me right then than sex.
A few minutes later, I got another abrupt and angry message: “Fine, I’ll just get someone else when I go out tonight.”
That’s when it hit me. I was just being used. I was just a convenient peg, and either girl was fully capable of going out and finding another one. They just didn’t, because it was easier to get me to come to them. As great as it had felt to be desired by two women, it didn’t exactly feel so great to realize that I was only desired for sex, that I was only desirable because I was convenient.
I sent each girl a message saying it was over. I simply didn’t want to be an easy lay for them anymore.
Not unexpectedly, those I’ve shared this story with didn’t understand why I felt bad. The answers I got were always something along the lines of, “But you was having sex with two women? Man up.” Which only made me feel worse, really. I did enjoy the sex at the time, but the feeling that I was only being used for a single purpose really got to me after a while. Being told I was simply a means to an end was something I didn’t appreciate, and the fact that replacing me was as simple as going to a nightclub took away all the good feelings that went with being intimate. And, I have to admit, I can’t help but feel mistrustful of women after both of these experiences.
Don’t get me wrong. There is absolutely nothing to stop or prevent someone from pursuing this sort of relationship. And I do believe it’s possible to do so without hurting anyone… as long as we communicate properly. Before we dive into a purely physical relationship, we have to make sure both parties are able to understand that sex is simple and can easily be replaced. Otherwise, someone could end up being hurt.
And it’s not always the woman.