Photo by HerLanieShip via Flickr
My friend has embarked on the noble journey of making himself into the “Perfect 10.” He figures that if he wants to date a woman he considers the ultimate match, he himself needs to be a perfect 10.
Everyone has their own idea of who their optimal mate is. My friend wants someone who is confident, sexual, financially-stable and many other remarkable and understandably desirable qualities. So, he is working on improving his own shortcomings in these areas.
I love the idea of self-improvement and becoming the best person you can be. There’s nothing like the self-confidence having a great job, a nice car, a fantastic body, stable finances and interesting hobbies gives you.
It’s a wonderful idea, reaching your full potential as a human being and meeting someone who meets all your requirements, who is simply right for you. But what happens when your exemplary partner loses his job or she gains 20 pounds? What happens when the stock or housing market crashes or that marathon runner has to have surgery on her knee? What happens when you have kids and can no longer afford or have time for all of those interesting hobbies?
I’ve had excellent jobs that left me with no time for anything else, but looked respectable on paper. I’ve reached my ideal weight and fit into my skinny jeans. I’ve traveled to amazing places. I’ve run a marathon in Athens, Greece. Yet, I’ve never felt like a perfect 10. I don’t know the woman who does.
One evening, at a time when I was at my skinniest, the guy I was dating was complimenting me on my small waist and chest. A year later, I’m wearing my fat jeans again and my chest has grown a few cup sizes. Would he still find me attractive now? I wonder.
Like my weight, all aspects of life fluctuate, which is why the part I love most about marriage vows is the promise to love and care for one another “for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health.”
The problem with falling in love with someone at their peak, when they are at their most perfect, is that there’s no guarantee you will still love them when they turn out to be merely human. Experts often cite finances and life changes like a new career as reasons for divorce. Another explanation for people being unhappy in marriages: reality sets in. No one can be at their best forever.
Conversely, someone falling in love with you at your peak, when you’ve finally gotten everything you’ve worked so hard for, makes you wonder if he or she would have loved and supported you through the tough times, as you struggled to become the person he or she admires.
I’m sure my friend will become the man he wants to be, his ideal self. He’ll find his perfect 10, and she’ll recognize him for being her optimal mate.
As for me, I’m looking for the guy who will fall for me when I’m at my fattest, when I’m struggling financially and stressed out about my job. The guy who will love me without make-up, in my over-sized sweats, with all my little insecurities. The guy who will see the beauty in me when I’ve forgotten it myself, when I’m feeling like a 5 on my own list—that’s my perfect person.
If someone can fall in love with you during the tough times, surely that person will be even more delighted to stick around for the good times. As Marilyn Monroe once said, “I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”