Image by Ed Yourdon
The following is an email that I received from a reader. I don’t usually publish the private messages I get, but the issue she addresses seems to be pretty common, so I asked her if I could post her letter (slightly edited for length) and my response (in its full fury) here.
Please feel free to add your thoughts in the comments if you have any insights of your own.
Dear Dennis,
Why do I not receive much attention from the general male population?
Before you proceed to trash this email, thinking it comes from some innocent 22-year-old who is fishing for compliments to feed into her sky-high ego, I assure you I am fairly educated with a decent self-reflection ability:
1. My looks are slightly above average at maybe 7.5–8.5 out of a scale of 10, depends on whether you are viewing me from the Asian beauty standard or American standard (I appeal to the older Asian generation more, apparently they think I resemble the movie stars from the early 80s’).
2. My body is not bad, average, 36-26-34, bit lacking on the booty part, but I wear butt pads to camouflage (curious of butt pads? Yes they are like a bra for your butt).
Now the important part is over. Let’s move onto the not-so-important ones:
3. I’m quite funny. In writing, or emails, or any communication tool that requires typing.
4. I do fairly well in the banking world, proper, conservative, and go home with a good pay.
5. I know a bit more outside my normal star magazine, and I don’t have Tourette’s Syndrome.
6. I volunteer for a cause I care deeply about and recently got invited to speak on TV.
7. I am quite logical and consider flowers to be a waste of money, and make sure I treat the date back after every two meals they buy.
Based on the resume above, I would think I could get the majority vote. However, when it comes to the world of dating, I could be sitting in a club alone while my 200-lb girlfriend is being hit on left and right, I can be completely ignored while a group of perfectly eligible investment bankers chat up to my girlfriend who’s one chromosome over being severely retarded, I can be brushed off from my dates for reasons such as “you are over the baby-bearing age” (I’m 30), or… “why can’t you be clingy and sweet?” Etc, etc, etc.
I do occasionally receive 100% appreciation from great guys, but it happens so rare that it might only have happened once or twice in my… 10 years of dating life.
Now with this long-winded bitter email, dear dating expert, can you please tell me, why?
Best,
Confused reader
It’s hard for me to provide feedback without actually seeing how you interact with others in a public setting. But, I’ll be happy to share whatever insights I’ve picked up over the years, as I’ve had quite a few female friends who’ve experienced this very issue.
First off, I’ll be blunt. If you’re talking about getting attention from the male population, this stuff matters:
1. My looks are slightly above average at maybe 7.5–8.5 out of a scale of 10….
2. My body is not bad, average, 36-26-34….
And this does not:
3. I’m quite funny. In writing, or emails, or any communication tool that requires typing.
4. I do fairly well in the banking world, proper, conservative, and go home with a good pay.
5. I know a bit more outside my normal star magazine, and I don’t have Tourette’s Syndrome.
6. I volunteer for a cause I care deeply about and recently got invited to speak on TV.
7. I am quite logical and consider flowers to be a waste of money, and make sure I treat the date back after every two meals they buy.
#3 will apply if you’re online dating. But otherwise, forget #3 to #7 and focus on #1 and #2, if what you’re hoping to do is stoke that initial attraction in men. (At least, that’s what I’m inferring, since you asked why you don’t seem to get much “attention” from the general male population.)
At the same time, you also neglected to mention the one other factor that’s just as important as #1 and #2: How you act.
I have a friend who, when she was single, would never get approached by guys. If she was out with a group of girlfriends, they’d be hit on left and right, while she’d be all but ignored. Now, this friend is attractive and fit, and when you talk to her, she’s totally friendly. Yet, her natural body language always gave off a “fuck off” vibe. She couldn’t help it, it’s just who she was. She just looked like a mean person.
One comment you made led me to suspect that you might have a similar issue:
I could be sitting in a club alone while my 200-lb girlfriend is being hit on left and right, I can be completely ignored while a group of perfectly eligible investment bankers chat up to my girlfriend who’s one chromosome over being severely retarded….
I’m not sure if you were just being snarky here, but the attitude implied in this particular sentence, if it’s the attitude you tend to take when you’re out with said friends, will likely be reflected in your body language and general demeanor. If you’re standing there, looking on with disdain as your “girlfriend who’s one chromosome over being severely retarded” is getting hit on, then… well, there’s your answer. You’re not getting approached because you’re acting like kind of a bitch.
This video pretty much says it all:
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/d7ab80d4a5/bitchy-resting-face
Granted, the video is supposed to be satire. But, it does actually make a very good point: If you’re out with friends, do you look warm and inviting, like you’re having fun and hoping to meet people? Or do you look like you’re stuck someplace you don’t want to be, with people you don’t want to be with?
My suggestion is to start paying attention to your friends who do get attention from guys. How do they stand when they’re out? What sorts of facial expressions are they wearing? Are they smiling and laughing? Or do they stand there with a half-scowl on their face? If they catch a cute guy glancing at them, do they look back and smile? Or do they turn away without acknowledging the guy?
And, oh yeah, stop judging your friends because you think you have the goods and should be the one getting approached. Because, seriously, that’s not attractive.
The bottom line is, it takes courage for a guy to approach a woman. Ergo, it helps if the guy thinks that she wants to be approached and will be happy to talk to him. And the way he gets that vibe is through her body language.
Again, without actually seeing you in action, I can’t say for sure what’s going on. So, all I can suggest is to emulate, emulate, emulate. Study what your friends who get approached are doing. And think about what you’re not doing.
And of course, make sure you focus on the traits that matter in this case. That you’re funny, or successful, or practical will certainly help make you attractive to someone looking for something deeper. But, if you’re not generating that initial attraction because you’re not considering the superficial qualities, then the guys out there will never notice you in the first place.
Personally, I think that’s a mistake tons of men and women make. They insist that they have attractive core qualities, and that’s what counts in the long run. So, that’s what they should be worried about. And yes, they are correct… to an extent.
At the same time, they forget that when we’re wading into the sea of dating, we’re all going to start at the shallow end. It doesn’t matter how beautiful the deep waters may be. If the shallows are filthy and disgusting, we’re going to walk away and find another ocean to dip our toe into. And this goes for both sexes.
I hope this helps. And good luck out there.