I Date Outside My Race Because My Race Won’t Date Me
As some of my friends have noticed, none of my last few girlfriends were Asian. My usual response is, “why, am I supposed to have an Asian fetish?”
Okay, okay, I know what they’re implying: I’m Asian. And Asians are supposed to like other Asians. Right?
Sure. And eat rice. And love math. And know just how much starch to add to your laundry…..
Point being, my last few girlfriends have been of the noticeably non-Asian variety, which has led to my unceremonious branding with the “twinkie” label. (In case you aren’t hip on your urban speak, a twinkie is an Asian who acts white—that is, yellow on the outside, but white on the inside.)
Whether or not I really am made up of a gooey white cream center and can now be found in heart-wrenching deep-fried form at the county fair, the truth is that I rarely meet Asian women who are interested in me. For years now, I’ve wondered if all is not harmonious in the land of Rice Rocketry. For years now, I’ve suspected that a disproportionate number of Asian women here in San Diego only want to date non-Asian men.
Well, I finally decided to verify my suspicions by turning to the ultimate refuse… er, refuge of superficiality: Match.com.
On Match, not only can people list their own ethnicity, they can also list every ethnicity they’re willing to date. So, I ran a search for women between the ages of 21 and 40, who list themselves as Asian, and who reside within 50 miles of my zip code. Of these women, I wanted to see what percentages 1) specifically include Asian as one of their preferences, and 2) specifically exclude Asian as one of their preferences.
My query returned the profiles of 687 Asian women. Well, this was turning out to be a daunting task. So I enlisted the help of a programmer friend, Joe, who wrote a piece of computer code to scour these profiles and collect the data.
Not only did Joe’s code fail miserably at collecting the data, it proceeded to send “winks” on my behalf to 18 of these women. (On the plus side, two winked back, and one was pretty cute. So, Joe, you’re forgiven.)
Eventually, I did manage to collect the data for 396 women. Here are the results:
169 list no preference
116 include Asian as a preference
111 exclude Asian as a preference
Basically, nearly 30% of the Asian women in San Diego who are on Match.com openly refuse to date Asian men.
I suspect the actual percentage is even higher. No doubt, some of the women who don’t specify preference also refuse to date Asians, but won’t admit it publicly. In technical terms then, I think the results can be summed up as follows:
Dude, this is some major suckage.
So what’s the deal then? Why this pattern? I have a few guesses:
Traditional Asian cultures can be notoriously xenophobic. As such, a second-generation Asian-American with traditionally-minded parents will probably have to shoulder a ton of pressure to marry an Asian. I wonder if some Asian women date outside their race as a way to rebel against their parents.
More cynically, though, I suspect another reason:
Status.
I believe that many Asian women (as with many minority women, in general) feel a sense that they are raising their social status by dating white men. This status issue isn’t alleviated at all by the stereotype of the Asian male as the symbol of non-virility and sexual ineptitude.
No matter the reason, the statistics leave me with a dearth of potential dates. If Match.com is any reflection of the general population of San Diego, one out of every three Asian women I meet here—if not more—has already excluded me from her dating pool. Yikes.
I mean, I’d understand if I’d done something stupid to get myself banned from the pool (like, you know, getting drunk on the first date and peeing off the diving board). But, these women aren’t even letting me in their pool in the first place.
I’m the Asian kid standing outside, rattling the gate in envy as I watch all the other kids slipping and sliding around and having a splashing grand time.
And all I can do is sit here and seethe while I do my calculus homework.
This is why my last few girlfriends haven’t been Asian. And this is why I started dating mostly non-Asian women. In a way, it’s my “eff you” to the Asian women here in San Diego:
“You’re Asian, but you won’t date an Asian guy? Eff you. Two can play that game.”
Is it jaded and bitter of me?
Perhaps.
Do two wrongs make a right?
Perhaps. (Hey, don’t you make me invoke my math superpowers and remind you that a double-negative does indeed make a positive. Math, that’s where I’m a Viking.)
The bottom line is… it’s reality.
I’m not opposed to dating an Asian woman. (I know my mom, for one, would be eternally grateful.) I’ll date any ethnicity. But I’m not going to waste my time pursuing a segment of the population that has already ruled me out.
So, if my last few girlfriends weren’t Asian… oh well. They were wonderful, meaningful relationships, and I never felt that I was missing out on anything. My race doesn’t want to date me, but I’ve learned to adapt and be okay with that.
Then again, another side of me wonders if the true reason I don’t date Asian women is because I’ve been subconsciously traumatized by Star Wars:
Because, by dating outside my race, I’ll never accidentally make out with my long-lost twin sister.
Great post! Lovin’ that you inadvertently virtually-winked at 18 women at once!!! GO Dennis GO!!
I’m feeling like I must be totally in the dark with the whole race/culture issues thing!! I never imagined that Asians might stereotype or discriminate against other Asians..but then, I’m blonde and thus, unlike you, math was never my forte’ either…Nondeterministic algorithms just confound me! Now, the randomized variety do make tidbits of sense to me…but I digress…
The real quesstion afire in my mind is I have a size 8.5 foot (OMG…yes I really do!) and I typically wear OPI’s “I’m not really a waitress” Red nail polish on my toes..umm..are there any known discriminations for those things I might be unaware of too? I’m just no math wizard…and you are my guru….so I really need clued in on these things;-p
I really feel people should just stick with their own race. The problem with interracial dating is that your ethnicity is built for your race and dating someone outside your race is not only frowned upon, but biologically dangerous. And besides, interracial kids look too dang weird looking.
DX3, it’s good to know I still have a chance 😉
I loved this piece. My most eventful, fruitful, toxic, amazing relationship, I’ve ever had was with my White boyfriend. I’ve never had a Black boyfriend. I don’t know why I haven’t dated any Black guys. It just never crossed my mind. And I’ve dated everyone Middle Eastern, Asian, Spanish… I think my parents would love it if I dated a Dominican guy – but chances are, that’s never going to happen. The Dominican community is way to small here. And most of them are older – and they’re children are younger.
Dennis you just need to post a picture of you with your shirt of and those who have excluded you will think twice. The dude works out. 🙂
First off, I like the article, but you knew that already, Dennis. Although I think in general who you date in terms of ethnicity and culture, if you’re going off the theory that people date other people they have things in common with and are comfortable around, depends more on where and how you grew up, which is probably why you’ve dated primarily white chicks (I assume white only because while I know you pretty well, I don’t know your entire dating history).
And I second what Meg says. Is that creepy? Too bad.
I concur w/ you two ladies…and I’ve never even seen him w/o his shirt..don’t even have to … Dennis is HOT! 🙂
Aww, thanks, everyone. But, see, you all kind of prove my point:
All the lovin’ is coming from the white ladies! :-p
@KP: As long as you’re not like four feet tall, I think you’re still proportionally just fine. 😉 Then again, some people find hobbits kinda sexy….
@Allison: You make a good point about dating people you have things in common with. I’ve attempted to date (translation: I’ve been set up by my mom with) a few FOBish Asian women (FOB = “fresh off the boat” = recent immigrant). Invariably, I have nothing in common with them. At best, they don’t get my dry sense of humor and stare at me blankly when I try to crack jokes. At worst, we can’t even freaking understand each other. So, realistically, the only Asian women I tend to be attracted to are the Americanized ones… many of whom just happen to be the ones who like white guys. So, that’s kinda my quandary when it comes to dating Asian women.
This is funny to me because I have never given a white guy a chance. I prefer asian guys- maybe it’s an LA vs. SD thing. Sorry but while I think the whole research aspect of the match.com is interesting, it also seems as though you are attempting to write-off Asian women. Almost like an excuse. Rebellions and Status? I think that’s almost laughable. We’re in an age where dating a white guy doesn’t automatically get you “status”. 😛
Maybe it is a clash of personalities, maybe a slew of other reasons. I agree it’s difficult to date a fob because of the culture gap, but, maybe 🙂 you were showing off or too busy writing them off because your “mama chose ’em for you”. You shouldn’t completely think all asian girls hate you and would never date you- lol. Give a girl a chance why don’t you? Maybe a few rotten apples got in your way and now you wear blinders… we’re all just ppl here. One and the same.
@j3ntan:
No, you’re totally right. I admit that I’ve swung a little bit too far in the “other” direction and now tend NOT to approach Asian women as much as I would if I were truly colorblind. I’m working on it, though! That’s part of the reason I wrote this piece. Think of it as a catharsis, if you will. 😉
Still, in my defense, it wasn’t just “a few” rotten apples. In the 14 years I’ve been in San Diego now, I feel like it’s happened often enough to make me want to throw up my arms and say, “eff it, what’s the point?!?” By the way, I’m not just talking about me approaching an Asian girl and getting shot down. I’m talking about me meeting Asian girls, becoming friends with them, and then hearing them announce–proudly, I might add–that they prefer to date white guys. I mean, whether or not *I* had any interest in them, I always took that as a slap in the face.
As for the FOBs… I did give them a chance! I really did. But, when I have a hard time understanding their English, and they have a hard time understanding my fast-paced voice… well, then it’s kinda hard to establish any kind of rapport.
Thanks for the comment, though. 🙂
Okay, KP, since you extended everyone the favor on your blog, this is for you:
Check out my profile pics on my Facebook. 😉
Oh my….did I help prove your point??? OOOOOOH….I hate when I do that!! I take it all back..except the “hot” part..;-P
Ha, no worries. Helping someone prove a point doesn’t make you any more “categorizable.” 😉
…that was totally intended as a passive agressive inner-rant post I extended to everyone… I’m just too “nice” to out n out rant…but I’m learning..hehe:-)
..off to stalk ur FB pics now!
Ummmm… I don’t think it’s considered stalking when you were invited to check them out. I mean, unless, you know, you’re into the whole role-playing thing. In which case… oh, look, I think I’m going to go change my shirt… while I’m standing right here in my room… next to the window… with the lights on…. :-p
Funny, I have an Asian friend who prefers Asian men. Maybe I should just hook you two up. Then we’ll see what the truth is! haha
If that’s a challenge, Jasmine… I like it!
Or maybe it’s your secret insidious plan to get me to drive up there to check out Late Night Leftovers…. 😉
Dennis, I love this new piece.Thoroughly entertaining. As your really good friend who has mutually determined with you for reasons I will not disclose publicly, that we will ALWAYS be “just friends”, I have to say I love you! And I don’t mean that in a stalkerish, pining away for you, IN love kind of way, just that you are a great person and I appreciate your friendship. I think we singlehandedly proved that men and women really can be “just friends” and I love you for that. I don’t know if the fact that I am NOT Asian proves or disproves anything, however…but of course I had to add my 2 cents. On that note, I will keep my eyes peeled for a cute Asian or non-Asian girl for you. And by the way, it works the other way too…all the white guys want the Asian women, so it limits that demographic of the dating pool for me!
Being half Asian (but looking fully Asian to the untrained eye) saw me being treated in the same way. Not by one, but by both races I am. Well, to be fair it’s not like there was a huge Peruvian population in the places I grew up at. The treatment was 50/50 on dating/not dating between both ethnicities. When I was growing up this was kind of a source of pain for me because it always left me feeling an outcast. I got over it pretty fast when I realized that there were plenty of other fish in the sea who were interested in me. It was nice while it lasted.
Great writing, Dennis! I have mused about the suckage of being an Asian guy in these situations. AA identity stuff has always been intriguing.
A great number of my Asian American women friends have wound up with White men. While the Rebellion and Status reasons are true, here are some other possible factors…
Thanks to the media, ideals of male handsomeness and masculinity are rarely embodied by Asian men. Our generation of course, grew up with Asian men portrayed as scrawny, geeky, awkward, unmasculine. Of course AA women know better than to believe media stereotypes, but in the subconscious – there might be that association. Maybe Daniel Dae Kim can change things for the next generation of AA men.
Many of us Asian Americans are second generation. AA women grew up with first generation parents with traditional values and thus – their moms were subservient to their dads. As little girls we watch this growing up, and then compare and contrast with white friends’ parents where there was probably more equality in the household. For little Asian boys, watching their mom do most (all?) of the household chores, not question dad’s demands, watch their dad rule the house – well, nothing sucks about being male there. He’d be happy to wind up marrying an AA woman. AA girls however, when grown up, *might* unknowingly want to avoid that situation by finding a man most unlike their father – which is most easily achieved by finding a white guy who is unlikely to have traditional expectations of them. Of course, many Asian American guys are totally westernized in terms of home gender roles (I married one). These are generalizations here.
I photograph babies in San Francisco. If ever there is a White/Asian couple, of course the mother is Asian and the father is White. However, there are also piles of all Asian couples, and intermixing within Asian ethnicities. (Indian-Chinese, Indian-Korean, Korean-Chinese, Chinese-Japanese). I think that there are so many more Asian Americans in the Bay Area that a 2nd+ generation Asian American woman has a full spectrum of non-traditional AA men types to choose from; far more than San Diego. Women like choices. If a social group consists of one or two AA guys and ten white guys, well there’s not enough of an AA man choice for an AA woman. The other advantage of the Bay Area being packed with AAs, from FOB to 4th generation, is that there’s plenty of evidence that many AA men are not Asian-traditional. Perhaps this opens an AA women’s mind up to dating AA men.
Maybe you ought to move up here?
@Sara:
Hehe… interesting way of keeping things vague there. Incidentally, I’ve *already* hooked you up once, so I believe you owe me one at this point. :-p
@Steve:
Oh, don’t you worry there. I *never* once mistook you for a “purebred.” 😉
@Jen:
(By the way, I’m assuming this is the Jen Z I know who’s a photographer?) That’s a really good point you make. I never considered the household inequality that Asian American kids might grow up with. It’s funny. My parents are Taiwanese immigrants (as I am, actually, since we came here when I was five), but my mom pretty much ran the house. Good for her, huh? Anyway, I *never* experienced the male-dominated household that you speak of, so it didn’t occur to me that some second-generation Asian American women might be subconsciously trying to “escape” this.
At the same time, I think some white men are attracted to Asian women because of the stereotype that they’re “demure.” Ironic then, huh?
Yep, this is JenZ from hockey/Birch/photography etc. I do think the gender roles are more equal in Chinese/Taiwanese and SE Asian households; traditional Korean and Japanese homes seem more male dominated. And indeed, ironic that Asian women are perceived as demure – perhaps this stereotype arises more so from Asian women rather than Asian American women, but I think most non-Asian people aren’t aware of this difference.
Wow, this is some serious online dating anthropology- statistics and percentages and everything! I’m inspired to step up my game 🙂
Thanks, Kat. And I had to collect that data manually, too, no thanks to my friend, Joe. *grumble grumble grumble*
Thanks for stopping by! As I mentioned to KaPau… online daters unite! 🙂
This is really interesting, and I haven’t ever really thought about it (I guess I live in a weird bubble). It’s interesting how race can really play a part in who you date and ultimately end up with – even in our post-racial culture (now that Obama is president, don’t ya know? Clearly being sarcastic). Everyone will probably deny it, but we all have our preferences (whatever the reason) and sometimes you refuse to open your eyes to the unexpected or to something you’ve already written off as not wanting. I appreciate this post (and really enjoy your writing style), because it has opened my eyes a bit more to my own prejudices. For example, I haven’t set racial preferences on my online dating profile, but I hardly ever reply to someone outside of my race (and have NEVER actively reached out to someone outside my race). And the funny thing is, I really don’t know why that is. Time to change that, I think… or at least try.
Thanks for the comment, Catherine. That’s awesome that you’re willing to be honest with yourself about your own preferences. But, from my perspective, what you’ve done–or haven’t done, rather–isn’t anything out of the ordinary.
To me, it actually makes perfect sense when people prefer to date within their race. I think it’s natural to want to be with someone who has a similar background and upbringing, and who else would likely have a similar background and upbringing than someone of the same race? To me, there’s nothing prejudiced about that at all.
What I find odd is people who specifically date *outside* their race. That, in my opinion, is indicative of some other underlying issues….
Oh, and…. Thanks! I like your blog, too. 😉
You make a good point. And when so many women end up choosing partners simliar to their fathers (for better or for worse!), they are likely going to gravitate to their own race. I think while the way I feel (or really the way I’ve acted, I don’t even know if it’s the way I feel necessarily, it’s just been my default) is probably pretty normal/standard, it still bugs me. I truly haven’t ever given anyone outside of my race a chance. I dated one guy from El Salvador in high school and that’s it. And even thinking that reminds me of someone saying that they aren’t racist because they have a black gardener or something like that! LOL. You’ve given me several things to think about tonight … so thanks!
That’s okay. We minority types don’t want to date a crazy bipolar white chick like you, anyway. :-p
I’ve actually had quite the heated discussions with people over this very topic. I’ve never been one to throw the “racism” term around, and I believe, in today’s culture of political correctness, people are way too quick to brand someone a racist.
To me, racism is when you harbor irrational prejudices against another race. Romantic preference is an entirely different matter. We have to feel attracted to someone we’re with. Well, our notions of attractiveness derive from our upbringing and what we were exposed to as children. Therefore, we can’t be expected to be able to feel attracted to someone whose physical features we have not been socially molded to find attractive. And, to me, there’s nothing racist about that.
I harbor no ill will or prejudices against, say, the pygmy people of New Guinea. However, I can’t ever see myself being physically attracted to a pygmy woman, let alone wanting to date one. Does that make me racist? I hope not.
Point being, I think it’s awesome that you want to keep an open mind about dating outside your race. But, honestly, I don’t think it’s anything you really need to be bothered by.
See, I’m actually defending you here. 🙂
You make really good points here. I totally agree that we can’t be “expected to feel attracted to someone whose physical features we have not been socially molded to find attractive.” But, I think that if we recognize in ourselves that we have these prejudices or feelings within ourselves, it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world to try to challenge these feelings and give someone different a chance. I would think it would be a good thing to be actively aware of our preferences, and maybe encourage ourselves to open our eyes (and our horizons) a bit more every once in awhile. And that’s what I hope I can do. If you are aware of your own prejudices, why not try and challenge them? I’m not saying challenge them for sport – like saying I’m definitely going to hit on a black guy this weekend! ie, a token – I mean challenge them so that you can possibly give someone a chance that you may not have otherwise, and maybe even find a connection. Just a thought.
But, I do wanna say thanks for defending me. 🙂
Fun talking with ya!!
“Because, by dating outside my race, I’ll never accidentally make out with my long-lost twin sister.”
I now have a blog crush on you!
@Crystal: Aww, thanks. You just like the Star Wars references, dontcha? 😉
@Catherine: Hey, far be it for me to discourage someone from dating outside their race! Props to you. But… no, don’t go and hit on a black guy this weekend.
Pick an Asian dude. 😉
It’s not just the Star Wars reference, it’s the way you handle the reference. Besides, I’m a sucker for movie quotes.
Well, in that case….
I see your blog is as big as mine. Now, let’s see how well you… handle it. 😉
Great post Dennis, and outta curiosity I had to go check the FB pics, and… DAMN! Better looking than the last white boy I dated.
I honestly don’t see what the big deal is about dating outside your race, I don’t fully exclude any race/color/ethnicity from my dating pool. Yes, I have preferences about looks, I like dark hair, dark eyes, but that leaves every race open for me, and I don’t exclude someone with blonde hair and blue eyes either. Looks mean very little when it comes to chemistry with someone. We all have absolute deal breakers that we just can’t live with in that department which would have us never give someone a chance, but at least for me, those are much smaller than my personality deal breakers.
I have a male friend I grew up with, who exclusively only wanted to date Asian women, specifically Chinese women, he liked the ones that were pretty and mean to him, and used him for his earning potential. He eventually married one and then divorced him and tried to take him to the cleaners. He says he knew that a large percentage of Asian women liked white men because of status potential. They don’t care that he’s fat, bald, and not attractive, they marry for money, and he marries for looks, so it works out for his kind. Well, in the end, he realizes it doesn’t work out, but it took him 10 years to realize this. But he also acknowledges that he is attracted mostly to Asian women. He can’t help what he’s attracted to. I also have a friend who loves Japanese women, has had 2 Japanese wives, the last one just died of cancer a few months ago. He absolutely loves the Japanese culture. I have a friend who loves Black men, and a cousin who shares the same preference. To each his own right?
That being said, I think when it comes down to it, it’s about what we are attracted to, and it’s not something we can control, or just switch on and off, so if you don’t have a preference for Asian women of what ever country of origin, don’t let anyone tell you that you should.
Hey, thanks, V! I agree, you can’t control whom you have a preference for or against.
It’s just that, with these Asian women… I wonder what’s the cause of their preference against Asian males. Some of the folks on here have offered up some good insights, but I think it comes down to stereotypes. The stereotypical Asian American male isn’t exactly the embodiment of masculinity and sex appeal, ya know?
So, thank you again for the compliments! 😉
Really? You don’t think Asian men embody masculinity? Maybe I’m extremely different or something, but I find Asian men extremely masculine, and sexy! I really like that some tv shows are now casting more sexy Asian men too. Like Jin on Lost… let me just insert a huge *drool* here!
I can’t say what’s wrong with these girls that they eliminate a whole group of men, I’m not in their heads, but if they don’t think you are sexy, sounds like a personal problem of theirs that you shouldn’t be too concerned about. Just my 2 cents.
🙂 Seems *all* we female bloggers are drooling on our keyboards over Dennis…I’m just a bout to throw down w/ Crystal’s Dennis-crush..I look over here and DAYUMMMMMM…I can’t beat em off fast enough….arghhhhhh..hehe 😉
…but…we’re all white chicks and thus, are merely proving his whole point again and again 🙂
@Vendetta: Well, I think so. It’s Hollywood that doesn’t. Although, our image does seem to be getting better….
@KP: Aww, thanks. But see, the white women like me, dagnabit! It’s the Asian chicks that don’t. 😉
Just found the blog and as an AA woman in San Diego (dating a white guy), I thought I’d chime in. Dennis, in an earlier comment you said, “I think it’s natural to want to be with someone who has a similar background and upbringing” – which I agree with, but then you asked, “who else would likely have a similar background and upbringing than someone of the same race?” – which I think gets complicated for Asian AMERICANS, which are hugely diverse in terms of national origin and immigrant status. As a fourth-generation Japanese-American, I have definitely felt that I have more in common with white guys than first or second-generation Asians, and other than a common experience facing certain stereotypes, I don’t feel like I have much in common with non-Japanese Asians just because they are Asian. If I meet a third- or fourth-generation Chinese guy, we are likely to have more in common because we both grew up in California than because we are both Asian (and I’ve never met a third-generation, let along fourth, AA outside of California). What exactly is it about being Asian, per se, that makes you think your background and upbringing will be similar to mine?
But I’ll also admit that part of my preference for non-Asians is an appearance thing – shallow as it may seem, I’ve always preferred dating tall guys (the shortest guy I’ve dated was 5’10”). Don’t know if that’s a social construction or what…
Hey Jenn,
Thanks for the comment. And thanks for being open to a discussion about this, instead of getting all bent out of shape like some people have. 🙂
You’re absolutely right. You’re probably going to have a lot more in common with a white guy than a first-gen Asian. So… no, not every Asian woman who dates a white guy is automatically evil. I would never speak in such absolutists.
For the record, I have no problem with interracial dating. (Obviously, I don’t, since my last few girlfriends haven’t been Asian.) If you meet someone who isn’t of your race, and you find that you have tons in common with this person, and you happen to fall in love… awesome! That’s how love should be, right?
What I do have a problem with is someone who unequivocally rules out a certain subset of the population based on their skin color. To these people, it’s not a matter of common background. In fact, a good chunk of the people they rule out will have common backgrounds with them. I know you’re mostly defending yourself here, and that’s totally fine. But, come on, you can’t possibly believe that every Asian woman in San Diego who only dates white guys is a fourth-generation+ Asian American looking for someone with a common background, can you? For these women, their preference is a matter of… I don’t know. Hence, this blog post.
In any case, in the comment you referenced, notice that I said “would likely have a similar background.” Do you not agree that a random Asian woman will likely have a more similar background with an Asian guy than a white guy? You may be an exception, and that’s fine. But you’re also committing a logical fallacy by assuming that I think my background and upbringing will automatically be similar to yours.
And, dude, there are tall Asian guys, too! Okay, I’m not one of them, but… there are. 😉
By the way, you’re not the only woman who prefers tall guys. In fact, surveys have shown that height is the number one condition that women find most important! It’s a preference that can be blamed on natural selection….
I -died- laughing when I read the part about knowing just how much starch to add. You know what, those results from Match.com make me kind of sad, we shouldn’t be biased towards someone based on race because in the end we are all just going to end up Beige anyways. Beige. No white, black, asian, brown, ginger… just beige. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aDl8unyFE0c
Hahaha….
“You can run from us now. But sooner or later, we’re gonna hump you.”
I should make that my tagline from now on.
Oh, and thanks for reading, too. 🙂
Interesting article although very insulting to white women. It is as if you are saying you only date white women because you can’t get an Asian chick. So what are white women, consolation prizes? I am a white woman and I am married to an Asian man. If I thought he would secretly prefer an Asian woman, that would definitely be grounds for a divorce. I’m serious. You are living your life like a vendetta, like, look Asian women I can be a race traitor too! Wow, how immature. You aren’t being fair to anyone. If your highest desire is for an Asian girlfriend then be patient and learn what they seek in a romantic partner, women are very fluid honestly when it comes to looks. It’s all about what you can bring to her life.
Thanks for the comment, Monie, but I think you kinda missed the point. I never said that I only want to date Asian women. As I specifically noted near the end of the post, I’ll date *any* race. But, as it turns out, a large percentage of Asian women in San Diego don’t seem to want to date Asian men. As a result, I end up dating a disproportionate number of non-Asian women.
So, it’s not that I secretly want to date Asian women, but they won’t date me, so I date white women. I just want to be able to date anyone. I’m not sure where you got the consolation prize thing from, or that an Asian girlfriend is my “highest desire.”
In any case, if anything, the piece is supposed to be *complimentary* of non-Asian (not just white, but non-Asian) women, many of whom I’ve generally found to be more open-minded than Asian women here in San Diego. I don’t understand why that should be insulting to you.
Let me give you a scenario so you can see where I’m coming from. Pretend you’re on a first date with a white girl and she says to you “I’m happy you’re open to dating me. You know, I really love white guys though, and my parents would be eternally grateful if I dated a white guy too but, white guys don’t want to date me. It’s very sad and I think it’s unfair.” Now, do you think to yourself “I am feeling very special with this girl” or do you think “What is going on that your own race doesn’t want to date you?” Or “I can see why you’re so sad you can’t be with a white guy. I’ll try to measure up so you don’t feel bad you’re with and Asian.” You see in my experience this would never happen between an Asian girl and a white guy. In racial terms white men know they have access to any race. Herein lies part of their appeal. When an Asian girl is with a white guy she knows he’s not settling because white girls don’t really want him. He could be with a white, brown or black woman but he chose to be with her. (Unless she is a mail order bride and married a social deviant. But, then she’d have other reasons to be with him.) Now, I did mention I am myself white and married to an Asian man. Let me tell you though I never felt he settled for me because of a lack of options. I am the second non Asian woman he dated, before that all his girlfriends were Asian. I always knew he could be with anyone, he is HOT, charming and smart.I know I scored big with him because of his qualities and because he makes me feel like I am the height of his desires and not as an “eff you” to Asian women.
I do see where you’re coming from, and that would be a valid point… if the scenario you pose is true. What I have a problem with is that you’re creating a inappropriate analogy based on an untrue scenario.
Sure, if a girl said this to me:
I’d feel that that was a pretty shitty thing to say, and everything you typed after that quote would be make sense. However, your entire argument is based on this particular line:
I NEVER SAID ANYTHING TO THAT EFFECT! Where in my post can you extrapolate that I really love Asian girls and only wish to date Asian girls? If you can find that quote, then you have a valid point. Without it, your entire argument falls apart and you’re effectively attacking windmills.
I looked and I admit that you’re right you never did say that you really love Asian girls and only wish to date them. Well then, good luck to you and I hope you find
Ms. Right.
Thanks, Monie. Hopefully, Ms. Right can come in any color…. 🙂
Monie, I’m an asian guy dating a white girl. i’m not dating her because of a vendetta. however, i see many many asian women as mental fuckups and having racial inferiority issuues. to me, easily 50% of AFs are unfit for dating. the percentages of AFs with mental issues is so high, that i’ve made a proactive effort to seek out other races of women. so in fact, using the same argument that you used: (that white men are attractive because they have access to all women). i’d argue that white women have access to all men, therefore if she chooses to be with me, she’s doing it for me and rarely for purely racial reasons.
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I think for most of us (including both men and women) it is the desire to have what we don’t already have. The exotic factor! Many “white” men have been honest with me that my “exotic looks” appealed to them. I don’t feel insulted when they say that. I love the effect my “exotic looks” have on some men and I have learned to use it to my advantage. 🙂 I have many Asian friends and they have admitted to doing the same. So don’t feel bad that they are rejecting you because you belong to a certain ethnicity. They just want to try something different.