Musings on Life and Love

The status update. The tweet. By whatever name the latest social networking site calls it, it’s how we all keep in touch nowadays.

Unfortunately, some people just don’t seem to understand the process, posting updates that are completely inane or completely inappropriate.

If you suspect that you might be such a person, then I am here to help you out. The next time you have a potential comment you’d like to post, just follow these simple steps:

First, read through each criterion below, and score points as noted. Then, tally up your results. If your final tally is above 0 points, post away! If your final tally is below 0 points… mmmm, yeah, you might want to go ahead and rethink the comment.

Okay, here we go:

1.      The comment has something to do with a stroke of luck you just had: +2 points

2.      The comment has something to do with a stroke of genius you just had: +10 points

3.      The comment has something to do with a stroke you just had: +30 points

4a.    The comment has something to do with your last medical visit: +3 points

4b.    Your last medical visit was to a proctologist or gynecologist: –10 points

5a.    The comment has something to do with a bodily function: –5 points

5b.    Your last bodily function was performed accidentally: –10 points

5c.    Your last bodily function was performed accidentally and publicly: –20 points

5d.    Your last bodily function was that you crapped out a solid gold goose egg: +100 points

6a.    The comment is a description of the last meal you had: –2 points

6b.    Your last meal led to an accidental and public performance of a bodily function: –15 points

6c.    Your last meal led to an accidental and public performance of a bodily function, and you are posting this as a warning to others: +10 points if you can live without your dignity

7.      –2 points for each previous update you’ve already posted in the past half hour

8.      –2 points for each drink you’ve had in the past three hours

9a.    The comment is directed at one specific person only: +0 points

9b.    The comment is directed at one specific person with whom you are angry, and with whom you have not confronted regarding your feelings: –10 points

10a.  The comment has something to do with unrequited love: +1 point

10b.  Your unrequited love has a significant other: –3 points

10c.  Your unrequited love has a significant other who is on your friends list: –20 points

11a.  The comment is a pronouncement of your undying love for your special One: +5

11b.  You’ve known your special One less than two hours: –10 points

12a.  The comment is an announcement of your recent engagement: –1 point

12b.  Your future father-in-law is pointing a shotgun at your head as you type the announcement of your engagement: +30 points

13.    The comment is an announcement of your recent breakup: +1 point

14.    The comment is an announcement to your significant other that you’re breaking up: –5 points

15.    The comment is an announcement of your promotion at work: +10 points

16.    The comment is an announcement of your promotion to Godfather in Mafia Wars: –10 points

17a.  The comment is an announcement that you’re going to have a baby: +5 points

17b.  The father-to-be has not yet been informed of his impending fatherhood: –20 points

18.    You know the difference between the following pairs of words: +1 point for each pair

• “your” and “you’re”
• “its” and “it’s”
• “their” and “they’re”
• “lose” and “loose”

19.    The comment includes the words “lol” or “lmao”: –1 point for each instance

20.    Your mother is on your Facebook: –3 points

21.    Your high school teacher is on your Facebook, you are still in high school, and your comment has to do with any one of the following topics:

• Cheating on a test: –5 points
• Ditching school: –5 points
• Drinking alcohol: –10 points
• Smoking pot: –10 points
• Your secret crush on your high school teacher: –20 points

So, how did you do? Can I expect to get a witty, insightful, clever, intelligent, meaningful, and appropriate status update from you next time? Or is your comment only gonna end up on Lamebook?