You (WHAT) want your cake? And (YOU’RE KIDDING ME) eat it, too?!?
A man comes across a genie who grants him any wish he wants. He thinks for a second and says, “okay, I want a woman who’s great in bed, a woman who can cook, and a woman who can clean.”
“Yes, master. And will there be anything else?”
“Yeah, and I don’t want any of them to find out about each other.”
When it comes to relationships, some people want it all. Well, here’s my story of a girl who had an unconventional strategy for getting it all….
Selma and I were friends for over ten years. During six of those, she was involved with an insanely jealous man. When she finally mustered up the courage to end the relationship, she rebounded herself onto a “boy toy,” as she liked to call him. Antonio was a purely physical relationship, and Pinocchio sex (that is, sex with no strings attached) was exactly what she needed at the time.
One night, months later, Selma and I were out with a group of friends. A few rounds of drunken flirting led to a bout of spontaneous kissing, and somehow, we ended up spending the night together….
The next day, we agreed that this wasn’t just a random hook-up and that there was definitely romantic interest there. So, I asked her out on an official date. Admittedly, I wasn’t thrilled that she’d been sleeping with some random guy for months. But, this was all before I came into the picture, so I told myself it would be okay.
And so, we went on our very first date. Now, I can regale you with the tales of my charm and my wit. But suffice it to say, Selma gushed at the end of the night that this was the best date she’d ever been on. Of course, her relationship experience up to this point consisted of 1) an immature high school sweetheart, 2) insane jealous boyfriend, and 3) boy toy. As far as dating went, I didn’t exactly think it would take much to impress her. But, I allowed myself to bask in the satisfaction of having planned someone’s best date ever.
We talked on the phone several times over the next week, and life was all rainbows and fluffy clouds. Then, one evening….
She told me how she loved that I was romantic with her and made her laugh—always, in my experience, the preface to a heaping pile of dumpage. But—and here it came—she had shown a pattern of jumping from one guy to the next, so she wanted to slow things down and not do anything more than making out for a while.
I was okay with this, actually. (Phew, no heaping piles there.) But then, she said this:
“I’m so glad you understand. I really am excited about us, and I really think this can go somewhere. But, just to let you know, I still want to see Antonio, too.”
I stood there in dumbfounded silence for a good thirty seconds.
“Let me get this straight. You want me to take you out on dates and be romantic with you and take it slow and not get too physical too quickly. BUT, in the meantime, you’re gonna keep sleeping with another guy?”
“It’s just sex. It doesn’t mean anything. YOU’RE the one I want to be with.”
“You know, I don’t know if I’m okay with this.”
“I don’t see the problem. Why can’t we take it slow and not mess things up between us?”
“YOU CAN’T TAKE IT SLOW WITH ME WHILE YOU’RE F***ING ANOTHER GUY AT THE SAME TIME!!!!”
The title of this article is more or less what I said next (minus the expletives). She just couldn’t see why I had such a problem with her plan. She even went as far as to accuse me of being “a guy just looking to get laid.” Oh yeah, that salt really tingles when the cut is still bleeding.
Finally, I coaxed the truth out of her. After days of “discussion,” during which time I firmly stood my ground and totally got back at her by withholding all “romance” and “laughter” from her, I realized that she had feelings for Antonio. He was the one she actually wanted to be with. However, he simply wasn’t willing to give her anything more than casual sex. So, she convinced herself that casual sex was what she wanted, too. In the meantime, she sought out the romance and the affection from someone else. Guess who that lucky candidate was?
Needless to say, we stopped seeing each other after that. And, as anyone could’ve guessed, things ultimately fell apart with Antonio. She wanted more, and he was unwilling to give her more. In the end, she lost both the sex and the romance.
So, I hope the moral of this particular story is clear: You can wait and hold out for the one who has it “all.” Or you can accept the one who has “most” of it. Or you may even settle for one who has only “some” of it. As long as you’re happy, no one else has a right to judge.
But, if you want it all, “all” has to encompass one person. You can’t create your own Frankenstein monster of love from several different people, with some sex from this person, some romance from this person, some intelligent conversation from this person, and some laughter and fun from yet this other person. It all has to come from the same person. The payoff for holding out can be the person of your dreams. But the price you pay for holding out is patience.
Selma didn’t have the patience. She wanted it “all.” Well, that just wasn’t acceptable. Especially for the guy who wasn’t getting “any.”
Pretty much my most ridiculous dating story ever….
Two Words: Christian Carter. He talks about this exact scenario, only he shows women (his target market in the stuff I am following) how to avoid these scenarios, and basically a whole lot more in depth detail about what you have written here on their quest for the right relationship. I swear he does not pay me to promote him…wish he did so I could at least have some income. 🙂
my gal friends and i love using the world “frakenstein” alot too. if only it was possible
you’re quite the writer.
I came very close to creating my own Frankenstein, but I did realize that if I needed to date a second guy, then clearly the relationship wasn’t what I needed. In my case however, I did try to have it all with the second guy, but that didn’t work either. Plus, who has time for two guys at once. I mean unless it’s literally two guys at once.
Isn’t Christian Carter the guy that has two wives?
You can look up Christian Carter yourself if you really want to go there. And I DO think for myself, I just don’t have such a big ego as to think I know everything. Sometimes you can learn something from someone who knows things we may not. Meg, do you have a personal vendetta against me? Please do not verbally accost me in a public forum. It is rude and inappropriate. This is meant to share in an informative discussion, not pick on other peoples experiences. Thanks.
I have noticed you get really logical with women. She was already yours and you didn’t even know it. You should have played it cool and hung out with her and had fun. When she mentioned other guys you should have been cool with it saying you are doing the same thing. Then she could have fallen for you in a natural way. But you had to have a logical talk about the future and told her who she could and couldn’t see, ect. Just let go and roll with it and date other girls.
I think Dennis thinks more like a woman, then, because I would have reacted the same way. Game playing sucks, but more men than women do it. More of my female than male friends have logical talks about the status of the relationship. Plus if you are really into a person, it is hard to date other people, and if you lie about it to make the other person think you are cool, it’s really deception so you begin a relationship based on that.
All that talk should not be after you have kissed someone once.
You should’ve dumped Selma and started dating her sister: Patty.
I do partially agree with Mark about letting things take a natural course, but on the other hand, that natural course might lead to sex and if she’s having sex with someone else, well STDs and Who’s My Baby’s Daddy? could be right around the corner. Plus, who wants to date someone who is in love with someone else?
My apologies for the offense. I’m just saying if we wanted to know what Chris Carter had to say, we’d be on Chris Carter’s facebook page, not Dennis’. I want to know what Dennis has to say, so I read Dennis’ facebook page.
Dating other people isn’t necessarily about making someone jealous, it’s about keeping your options open.
And everyone knows Marge is the attractive sister.
Mark, I think you missed the point of the story. Nevertheless, our “talk” came after we’d been hanging out for several months already. And it did not happen after only one kiss (hence, the ellipses). I chose to leave out the graphic details because I believed they were irrelevant to the point I was trying to make. Do you think maybe your response is a reflection of your own baggage? I know you’ve had issues in the past with girls wanting to have “the talk” too soon for your comfort….
In any case, I’m not saying I didn’t make mistakes in this situation, but I pride myself on my communication ability, and I don’t plan to change that. Nor do I plan to start playing games with people (unless it’s games of the drinking variety). I think it’s pretty clear that you and I have very different goals when it comes to dating. I’m glad your strategies work for you, but I’d rather stick to mine. Thanks for your input, though.
And Noel… nice catch on the reference that I was purposely trying to make obscure. 😉
Wow Dennis, I can really relate to this story. It’s amazing how finding love really is a journey of patience and sometimes compromise. I am finding myself currently for the first time ever in a place where the things that mattered to me before, no longer matter to me. Cute face or a man who makes me laugh till I cry? I will now pick the man who makes me laugh. Tough sexy guy or the man who writes me poetry and sends me a Christmas package?(all the way to Alaska which by the way isn’t cheap)Ummmm I’ll pick the poetry writing, thoughtful Christmas present guy. Perhaps I need to blog on my new found revelation. Thanks for writing, I enjoy reading your articles.
Not that the guy I am currently being woo’d by isn’t cute and sexy to me, but you get the point.
Sheesh…and men are supposed to be the ones who are “players.” I think it’s doubly worse that you guys were friends first…I’m guessing that friendship took a beating.
I wouldn’t say that it took a beating. More like it was castrated, disemboweled, then drawn and quartered in front of the masses, all the while yelling out “freeeeeedommmmmmm” in agony…. 😉