Talk To Us: Your “favorite” rejection line
My idea for my next article is to write about the lines that guys give for not wanting to see a girl anymore after a hookup. Now, I’m not talking about a guy breaking up with a girlfriend of 2 years (although, if you wanna share about that, too, I’m always happy to learn). I’m talking about someone you may have dated once or twice, a few weeks or months, or even just hooked up with randomly… you find yourself interested, but then the guy calls it off all of a sudden. Ladies, I would love to hear what reasons you’ve been given in this type of situation. And guys, feel free to share the reasons *you’ve* given, or help translate other guys’ reasons for the ladies. I’m gonna take all the “evidence” I collect here and see what kind of article I can get out of it.
How about..”It’s not you. It’s me.” Super-cliche so one would think it isn’t used often, but unfortunately…it is.
well, my line was usually something along the lines of – that was fun, but lets just hang out- or i’d start talking about another interest- or id say you are an awesome friend- anything else you can remember me saying in my playgirl days in SD? one guy i dated in SF was completely into me- like flowers, dinners, etc. then he just started being less attentive. when i asked what was up he said nothing-he’d been busy- and made me feel like i was crazy and imagining it. he was a playboy so it was not unexpected. when he found time for me again i was busy.
I think it’s mostly about honesty. We are disconnected as sexes because we don’t say what we really think. The prevailing thought of the day leans to being polite and “politically correct” whatever that means. If politics is an ultimate aesthetic expression than it’s no surprise that we as a societal whole (or hole) disguise our true intentions, feelings, thoughts, etc.
I think what you are creating Dennis is a forum where we can share our thought and heart processes as they relate to relationships and dating. Recently, a close friend just went through a break-up after 2-3 years with plans of marriage, family and all the romanticism that goes along with that picture. She didn’t know why the relationship ended. What went wrong, etc?
I wondered as a friend how I could help. Be there to console? Buy lots of drinks, chocolate? I opted for honesty. At the end of the day, he lied,broke trust. She had no prof but a picture of him in AZ with a woman…SAID he was working…
I think the sexes have forgotten how to interact in many ways. Hopefully, together we can have an open and honest dialogue- thanks to the Dennis Hong RELATIONSHIP STIMULUS PLAN! I believe the collective we needs this forum from the front lines of dating, not from a relationship guru or some manipulation master who will tell you how to get laid TONIGHT, or a group of your friends giving you advice from a love sick or I hate guys or I hate women bitter prospective.
Alas, Dennis Hong will save us from ourselves before we start raiding his well stocked liquor cabinet!
Check this one out: “i’m just not really into short term meaningless sex anymore” (BS) followed by “no, I don’t want a relationship either.” SO WTF DID HE WANT?? Apparently just NOT ME.
Oh yeah – and before he came out and said it, I got “rainchecked” about a dozen times. What a coward.
I know someone who was seeing a guy fairly regularly but they would only go out or talk during the weekend like a standing date. When she asked him why she wouldn’t hear from him during the middle of the week he would give her the old “work keeps me really busy during the week etc etc” Things continued like that for a while, anyways she pressed the issue further and he told her “I don’t know what you were thinking, I though we were just having fun, I don’t think I can give you what you want”
Hmmm, a gay guy did that to me once. Except I don’t think he realized that he was gay at the time, even though he was (no exaggeration) a ballroom dance instructor living in hillcrest with a gay roommate. Also he really enjoyed dancing at gay clubs because he thought it was “fun.”
I was too amused by the whole thing to be hurt or offended though, so I’m not sure it counts.
PS Did I mention our date was going to a Tori Amos concert?
You should check out this guy Christian Carter that is a “dating expert” and shares how men really feel and tries to teach women how to better understand how to deal with men in their quest for Mr. Right. Yes, I know about this from personal experience. And to go along with a posting above, I have gotten so many varieties of the “It’s not you it’s me” line, it makes my head spin. Gotta love the ” I can’t give you what you need” line after a first date or a hook up when I a) never specified what I wanted because (HELLO! I just met you!) and so therefore b) you are extrapolating what I want in general (a relationship EVENTUALLY with someone) to mean that I want you (whichever guy this is with) to be serious with me now. How can a guy possibly know that I want to be serious with him after a first date? Asking the other person what they are looking for on the first date is a total trap. So my new policy is I do not answer that question until it actually IS getting serious!
“I don’t think I can do the exclusive thing, you want me to just forget about all my other girl friends”
hahhaha I knew they were more than just friends, even if never physical – him flirting constantly crossed the boundary for me, even when he would blatently lie and deny it.
I’ve told guys, ‘I’m not interested’, or ‘thank you, I’ll call you when I find the time’, or ‘please don’t call me again’, or ‘you’re a selfish pig who can’t find the time for me, so why are you leading me on when you know I would like to date you, have a good life’.
Maybe I’m too harsh, but unless he’s a sweetheart and I’m afraid to hurt his feelings, I don’t follow politically correct rules.
oh and for the drunk guy who’s begging for my number at the bar and won’t hear the word NO, I give him my brother’s home number so he can call and ask for ‘Amy’ – only for my brother to kick his ass over the phone for calling for his wife (her name is Amy). I did that in SD a few times 🙂 heehee
I just remembered a good break up, “I’m back together with the ex I was divorcing, but we can still ‘hang out.'” To which I said, ‘no thanks, that’s a bit sticky for me’.
to get a bit off topic have you heard the “instant relationship” phone calls going around? they are pretty amazing- here is one http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dZ83use8YE8
Hey folks, thanks for the comments and the messages! I love all your stories, and it’s definitely giving me plenty of food for thought.
And Sara, I looked up this Carter guy, and… hmm, that’s definitely NOT what I want to do. I would never profess to being the Guru of Guyhood. I can’t give you 10 steps to find the man of your dreams. Only you can do that. I just want to share the insights I’ve gained from my own experiences as a guy (well, not that I’ve had experiences as anything BUT a guy). Every person out there, every human-human relationship, is uniquely different, and I think it’s pretentious to assume that one can fix it all with a set formula. To me, dating is like a chess game: you CAN’T play it by rote. However, every time you play it, you try to learn something new. And the more you learn, the better prepared you are for the next game, and the more likely you’ll find success. Now, I just want to be able to share MY chess games I’ve played….
I’m glad to learn you only have experiences as a guy 🙂
I have a really awful one. It was his last year in college and he said, “I’m sorry, I just have a limited time to screw freshman girls.”
I once realized a guy I was seeing would consistently ask me out for Thursday nights, and never any other day of the week. When I jokingly asked him if I was his ‘Thursday girl’, he laughed uncomfortably and said, “Actually, you are. Are you OK with that?” Since I was young and far from being ready for anything serious at the time anyway, I realized I was fine with that. Until…
One night I was at his place, and one of his other girls apparently got confused about her day of the week. She showed up and went completely bunny-boiler on him when he refused to let her in. I hid out in his room until she finally left. But I ended it with him very soon after. Why? Well I appreciated the fact that he was up front with me. However, I was NOT OK with the way he kept the others in the dark.
Meg, that is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. The fact that you make these blanket statements tells me that you should go buy that Christian Carter book and get your Ten Guaranteed Ways to land any guy you want. Every person is different, every relationship is unique. You simply cannot approach dating with a cookie-cutter formula and pigeonhole men’s behavior the way you do. Like I said on my other thread….
A. If I truly like a girl, I’ll be excited to sleep with her, even on the first night. I’m not going to like her any less because she “puts out.”
B. On the other hand, if I don’t like her anyway and am just looking for a hookup, telling her that she moves too fast is the easiest excuse a guy can make. Hence, the girl gets “played.”
I know you’re speaking from your personal experience, and that’s fine. However, you have no right to presume that all guys behave in this way. And I speak from MY personal experience.
lisa-it seems like you called him out on it, not that he was upfront about it. i always felt i had to assume i was in an “open relationship” until we had “the talk”. why did i feel this way? b/c in my formative relationship years i hung out with a bunch of guys who defended their actions based on that school of thought.
True enough. 🙂
Like I told you the other night I am happy you are sharing your chess game with us. I am a girls girl, so getting different mens perspectives is always enlightening and interesting to me. I think the only men I kinda understand are gay men and my dad because I have known him for 32 years. ha ha
Here’s an example I was watching a show on VH1 called tough love (it’s like a dating rehabilitation show, The dating expert helps women change to find the right man.) Anyway there’s a woman on there that has thousands of shoes, so I think she was using it as a topic of conversation and he told her something that blew my mind. “Men do not think a large shoe collection is cute.” Like wow they don’t? ha ha Now that I think of it the only men that would think it’s exciting are gay men and maybe men who adore stylish women.So keep the articles coming I really enjoy reading them and the responses are great as well.
I know I’m late to the party here, but I find myself being very enthusiastic in the beginning until I find something I don’t like. I feel bad sometimes because I lose interest within a few weeks like clockwork. I almost talk myself out of liking a girl. Sometimes I think I’m looking for bad things, but it’s most likely that I’m just not ready to be a one-woman guy at 27. I’m getting ready to break one off right now and I think that instead of a made-up excuse, I’ll probably just tell her the truth, which is; “I’m not willing to make time for relationship, quality time, I’m simply too busy with grad school classes, work, hockey, and hanging out with my buds.” In the end, I think that right now I really prefer to be single and capture the random hookup from time to time.
Hey Anthony, no problem on the lateness. It’s always nice to hear another guy chime in. 🙂 Anyway, I think you pretty much nailed it: If you’re just not ready to settle down yet, then it’s easy to find things you don’t like about someone. After all, nobody’s perfect. You’re NEVER gonna find someone and like absolutely everything about them. At least you’re not deluding yourself and thinking that the girls you meet are never good enough for you. I also wonder if, given that you were in a live-together relationship previously, the baggage from that is making you want to enjoy your singleness for a bit longer….
Anyway, thanks for the input! I think you’ve given me an idea for a new topic….
Incidentally, does the girl know yet that you’re about to break things off? Because, if not… (shameless self-promotion coming at ya) maybe you should read my latest article, “Tell Me About the Booger in My Nose”…. 🙂
A guy in college told me he loved me after dating for a few days. I told him we were breaking up cause that was creepy. He went on to date my roommate. Classy.