Talk To Us: If you’re trying to get over a breakup, what’s the worst thing a friend can say to you in an attempt to make you feel better?
Reader Jaberkaty made a great suggestion for an article:
What can friends and family do when someone close to them is going through a bad breakup?
Honestly, I don’t have the answers, and I doubt that any single person can. So, this might be the perfect opportunity to get some reader feedback….
For those of you who’ve been through a particularly emotional breakup, what are some of the worst things someone can say or do in an attempt to make you feel better? For me, “don’t worry, you’ll find the right person” always smacks of hollowness. I know they’re trying to help, but… honestly, no one can possibly know that I’ll ever find the right person, so those words mean nothing to me. Read more…
My Absolute Dealbreaker
Image by Craig Jewell
Now that I’m single again, I’m trying to retrain myself to do the dating dance. I went on a first date recently, and the evening was pretty much a conversational ballet, the two of us daintily tiptoeing around each other with loaded questions and politically correct answers in an effort to figure out if we might actually like the other person.
As our dance continued center stage, behind the curtains I was casually browsing through my playbill of potential dealmakers and dealbreakers. Whenever she mentioned something about herself that I shared, my heart fluttered for a second, and I checked one off on my “good list.” Whenever she mentioned something about herself that I didn’t share, my heart muttered, and I checked one off on my “bad list.”
That night, I stumbled upon a Mega-Dealbreaker. One that superseded all the lesser, mere mortal dealbreakers. Within the rabid pack of dealbreakers frothing in my head, this one quickly established itself as the Alpha:
I can’t be with an absolutist….
I’ll be blunt. I hate camping.
I was born in Taiwan. In the glorified village that I lived for the first four years of my life, hot water and electricity were available—but by no means consistent. Spiders and geckos permanently punctuated the plaster walls, and plenty of venomous wildlife lurked outside. My father clawed our way up the socioeconomic ladder, practicing at three different hospitals and sleeping four hours a day. Because of his ambition, we were able to immigrate to the United States. By the time I was in high school, we lived in a plush Southern California home. Read more…
The Progression Of A Breakup
Image by utsavbasu1 via Flickr
We get lots of generic advice when we break up. “You’ll get through it.” “You’re better off.” “Don’t worry, you’ll find the One.” But no one ever tells us how to get through the pain, the loneliness, the emptiness. Whether the breakup is mutual, shocking, brutal, or civil, it sucks.
So what do we do? Blast “I Will Survive” until our ears bleed? When will those yucky feelings go away? I think everyone has their own progression that they go through, similar to the five stages of grief. Here’s mine:
Disbelief and Denial
After my boyfriend of two years broke up with me, I was shocked. In hindsight, it was a long time coming. During the last turbulent months of our relationship, I knew we were heading down that road. He had moved away six weeks prior—a tell-tale sign of doom. But when it actually happened… well, I was shocked. It was a Sunday morning, and he had spent the weekend with me. When he left that morning, he left for good. I was a puddle. I sat in my room for three hours, knowing that once I walked out of there, I’d have to face my roommates and tell them what happened. I wasn’t ready for it to be real.
Desperation
Six hours after the dumping, I made the tearful phone call begging Mr. Ex to take me back. Not one of my finer moments. I was a ball of desperate emotion. I needed to save us and wasn’t ready to accept all the valid reasons for the breakup. Read more…
How I Get A Girl To Break Up With Me
Image by El Nuko via Flickr
I hate breaking up with someone. I really do. Call me spineless, tell me to grow a pair, I get it. I just have this need to be the “good guy” (or at least deceive myself that I am). I feel better when I’m the poor sap who gets broken up with, rather than the a-hole who dumps an awesome girl.
To that end, I’ve come up with some pretty devious ways to get a girl to break up with me. When I’m ready for the relationship to end, but don’t want to pull the slow fade or just stop calling altogether (remember, I’m trying to be the good guy here), these devastatingly effective strategies get her to do all the dirty work for me:
I “become” excessively busy at work
All of a sudden, my workload surges exponentially. I’ve been given a new project. Or, I’m the newly-appointed office firefighter. Either way, I have to start working late most nights.
After a few months, she starts wondering if work matters more to me than she does. It does, of course. What she never realizes is that I don’t actually have to do all this extra work. I only take it on to get out of hanging out with her. In some cases, I don’t even have any extra work. I simply spend my late nights getting reacquainted with WebSudoku. Read more…
The Truth About “The One”
After reading an article written by a very logical and wise friend, I was floored. He and his girlfriend had decided to break up because there was no Moment to clarify that they’d found the One.
I could not believe it. What was he thinking? How could he think that she wasn’t the One? How could anyone think that the One even existed?
I have been happily married for two years to a man I know is not the One. Why? I do not believe there is such a thing as the One. Am I to believe that there is one person out there for me? One person to be my other half, to make my life complete, to spend forever with? Yeah, right!
The idea of the One is just a set-up for failure. Why do we even want to start looking for the One? To find One person out of billions can only be an unattainable goal. The One is bogus!
For as long as I can remember, movies have been telling little girls and boys that there is that One, and when we meet them, we will KNOW. It might be at the bus stop or the coffee shop, but he or she is out there. What movies do not tell you is that, two months later, the conviction that this person is the One goes away, and now we cannot stand this person. Read more…
Pursuing Your Perfect 10
Photo by HerLanieShip via Flickr
My friend has embarked on the noble journey of making himself into the “Perfect 10.” He figures that if he wants to date a woman he considers the ultimate match, he himself needs to be a perfect 10.
Everyone has their own idea of who their optimal mate is. My friend wants someone who is confident, sexual, financially-stable and many other remarkable and understandably desirable qualities. So, he is working on improving his own shortcomings in these areas.
I love the idea of self-improvement and becoming the best person you can be. There’s nothing like the self-confidence having a great job, a nice car, a fantastic body, stable finances and interesting hobbies gives you.
It’s a wonderful idea, reaching your full potential as a human being and meeting someone who meets all your requirements, who is simply right for you. But what happens when your exemplary partner loses his job or she gains 20 pounds? Read more…
Intellect Required
Image by aylaujp via Flickr
A friend and I were recently discussing her breakup when she said something I’d been thinking for at least a year now.
“I feel kind of like a bad person,” she started, “but is it too much to ask to want to date a guy who meets a certain intelligence requirement?”
My answer: absolutely not.
Now, my friend’s ex wasn’t necessarily an idiot. He was successful in what he did, pulled in a decent salary, and generally seemed like he had his act together. The problem was, for my friend at least, that he never finished high school. I’ve been in similar situations, where the guys I dated either dropped out of college or were finishing their associate’s degree, and each time, I came to the same conclusion as my friend.
The main issue was that they had no desire to educate themselves, and having conversations with these guys was like pulling teeth with no nitrous. Sentences had to be repeated; words had to be defined; background information had to be established. By the time all that was squared away, no one even cared about the conversation anymore. It was exhausting, not to mention frustrating. I mean, really? You don’t know there are three branches of government? Or who Stephen Hawking is? How is that possible? Read more…
In Search Of Certainty
Image by Clipart.com
As the cliché generalizes so succinctly, breaking up is hard to do. Especially when you don’t know if it’s the right decision….
I would like to announce that I just experienced the most civil breakup in the annals of breakups. Seriously, if Gandhi and Mother Theresa had been an estranged couple, they wouldn’t have done a better job. It was a mutual decision, we both knew it was probably inevitable (even though neither of us wanted to admit it for some time), and we parted ways with the promise that we wouldn’t lose touch with each other. No bitterness. No hurt feelings. Nothing bad to say about each other. No sense of rejection or betrayal.
Easy, right?
Of course not. The breakup was still an agonizing, gut-wrenching decision. Because, when it came to making that decision, we didn’t have a reason to break up… or a tangible one, anyway.
The truth is, we got along incredibly well. Read more…
Stranded, Dumped And Rejected—Oh My!
Photo by Getty Images
I am just one of the hundreds of thousands of travelers stranded by Iceland’s volcano, Eyjafjallajokull, or as I like to call it, “Eyja<expletive><expletive>.” But, I am part of an even bigger fraternity. I am just one of the billions of people who have been stranded, dumped and rejected.
You may ask what these two groups have in common. Well, let’s put it this way, I have spent the last week frantically checking every internet site regarding airports, travel, airlines, volcanoes and weather. I have hit refresh on my web-browser every few minutes with the hopes that new information is available. I have sent countless emails making plans, canceling plans, rescheduling plans, and re-canceling plans. I have checked my email every half hour and updated my Facebook and Skype statuses with each bit of hopeful information. I’m an emotional basket case.
Now, let’s jump back a few years. It’s Easter Sunday, and my boyfriend of two years dumps me. I’m sitting in a puddle of my own self-pity, unable to leave my bedroom because I’ll have to tell my roommates what just happened. So, what do I do? I check my email. Maybe he’s changed his mind and written me a love letter. I check mutual social networking websites. Maybe he’s online, writing me said love letter. I check my cell phone. Maybe he called while I was sobbing in the shower and didn’t hear my phone ring. I’m an emotional basket case.
Hope. It’s one of the nastier four-letter words out there. Read more…
The Bane Of Friendship
Image by Clipart.com
Friendship. It’s so many wonderful things. It’s caring. It’s affection. It’s laughter and inside jokes.
It’s also the last bastion of the freshly dumped. After all, how many breakup conversations include the phrase, “can we just be friends?”
So why do we go along with such a “request”? Are we that desperate? Do we get so attached that we’re willing to settle for friend status just to stay in someone’s life? Take the story of Jackie:
Jackie is a strong, independent woman (usually). She is also the victim of a recent breakup. Robert, her live-in boyfriend of three years, has decided that he needs time to “figure things out.” He still wants to be friends, but he needs to take a break from the relationship.
Jackie reluctantly accepts this arrangement, and the two continue to see each other once or twice a week, essentially at his discretion: she makes herself available when he calls, and only sometimes is he available when she calls.
Months pass, and Robert still hasn’t figured out what he wants. Though Jackie makes a few half-hearted attempts to date other men, not surprisingly, these dates go nowhere. She continues to pine for Robert.
So, why does Jackie put up with Robert’s wishy-washiness? Perhaps a better question is, what is going on inside Jackie’s brain…. Read more…
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