Image by Clipart.com

Friendship. It’s so many wonderful things. It’s caring. It’s affection. It’s laughter and inside jokes.

It’s also the last bastion of the freshly dumped. After all, how many breakup conversations include the phrase, “can we just be friends?”

So why do we go along with such a “request”? Are we that desperate? Do we get so attached that we’re willing to settle for friend status just to stay in someone’s life? Take the story of Jackie:

Jackie is a strong, independent woman (usually). She is also the victim of a recent breakup. Robert, her live-in boyfriend of three years, has decided that he needs time to “figure things out.” He still wants to be friends, but he needs to take a break from the relationship.

Jackie reluctantly accepts this arrangement, and the two continue to see each other once or twice a week, essentially at his discretion: she makes herself available when he calls, and only sometimes is he available when she calls.

Months pass, and Robert still hasn’t figured out what he wants. Though Jackie makes a few half-hearted attempts to date other men, not surprisingly, these dates go nowhere. She continues to pine for Robert.

So, why does Jackie put up with Robert’s wishy-washiness? Perhaps a better question is, what is going on inside Jackie’s brain….

When we first grow attracted to someone, our brain releases what I like to call “happy” neurotransmitters. As we spend more time with this person, these chemicals continue to be released, and we begin to develop an actual physiological attachment. That swooning, euphoric feeling these neurotransmitters produce is what we perceive as “love.”

And boy, are these neurotransmitters strong. When the one we love is gone, we feel sad and hopeless. We may even become physically ill. The saying that “love is a powerful drug” isn’t just poetic license. It’s literal.

In fact, these neurotransmitters are so powerful that they inhibit rational thought. Even if our beloved is full of faults, we happily overlook them. We justify our beloved’s actions, we make excuses, we tell ourselves that love is about compromise and understanding. Even if this person is completely wrong for us, we cannot bear the thought of not being with them.

Unfortunately, breaking that attachment is no easy task. Even if we resolve to break the bond, it may take months, even years, to do so. Our brain simply needs time to re-equilibrate its neurotransmitters. When this balance is regained, the sight of our beloved will no longer induce a physiological response, and we will no longer feel that euphoric rush in their presence (and despair in their absence). At this point, we’ve finally broken the attachment. We’re “over” this person.

Once the attachment is broken, we begin to view the other person objectively. We see their faults and realize that they may not be right for us. Have you ever thought back to someone you dated—someone you were really into—and wondered, “what the hell was I thinking?!?” The answer is, you weren’t. You were simply stricken by these love-inducing neurotransmitters.

After three years together, of course Jackie is going to feel an attachment to Robert. Of course, she’s going to want to see him still. And, of course, she will never break her attachment if she continues to spend time with Robert as “just friends.”

So then, how do we break this bond? The easiest way—relatively speaking, since there is no easy way here—is to cut off all contact with this person, at least until we’re over them.

As much as we want to stay in touch, as much as we still want to be friends… don’t! If we continue to see this person, our brain will continue to release these neurotransmitters of love. Sure, we feel better when we see them, but when they are inevitably gone again, our brain goes through the same withdrawal process as a drug addict. Their presence gives us the high that we crave, but their absence leads to the subsequent crash. The best solution is to quit cold-turkey.

So, the next time you find yourself unable to get over someone, ask yourself this:

Are you truly ready to break the attachment?

If you’re just not ready, fair enough. If you still want to be with this person, and deep down, you’re not yet willing to give up hope, so be it. If you can settle for being friends, it’s your life.

On the other hand, if you believe you are ready to break the attachment, cut your ties now. It’s the only way your brain will stop releasing those confounded neurotransmitters every time you even think about the person you feel hopelessly in love with.

Image by Catzrule99 via Flickr

It finally happened. Maybe it was when you were giving her your best “come hither” look, as her eyes and the merlot twinkled in the candlelight. Or perhaps you were out for a stroll, and she leaned into you as the wind blew her hair. Or better yet, maybe you were lazing in bed on Sunday morning, too blissful to dress. And then she said it.

“I’ve bought us tickets for a show.” And she’s not talking about the topless kind in Vegas.

She means a Broadway show, gentlemen.

There’s going to be singing,  dancing, and most likely, a lot of angst. If I may speak in gross generalities, women tend to get really fired up about musical theatre, while men (though they might not hate it) can probably think of better things to do on a Saturday night. Personally, I love going to the theatre, and the more singing about inner turmoil, the better. Yes, it’s unbelievable to burst into song, but we suspend reality all the time when watching television or films. For me, the music takes the emotion of the situation up a notch. It’s art at its finest, a beautiful marriage of story and sound.

But I digress. I’m not here to sell anyone on musical theatre. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions. That being said, when presented with show tickets, be aware! The secrets of the female mind are hidden in music, harmonies, and plot-driven-lyrics. Never fear, for all will be revealed to you over the two- to three-hour course of the show (plus intermission).

However, in case you find it a bit difficult to follow the show’s plot and decipher the secrets of the female mind, I humbly present the hidden secrets in some popular musicals:

Les Miserables: There are about a bazillion characters in Les Mis, and they usually die as soon as you figure out who they are. And, unless you have a master’s degree in French history, it’s basically about a little uprising about which no one knows. That being said, keep your eyes open for the character named Eponine. Truth be told, she’s a teen-aged, uneducated, pickpocket. But we love her anyway. She has a show-stopping solo called “On My Own” right after intermission, and most likely your girlfriend will be in tears. Married, single, divorced, newly-in-love, we’re always going to love that song about unrequited love. We’ve all been there, and we never want to be there again!

Wicked: The premise is the life of the Wicked Witch of the West from The Wizard of Oz, essentially before she becomes, well, wicked. Ladies all have an inner witch (and no, I’m not substituting “witch” for the word that rhymes with it). Our inner witch is cleaver, slightly diabolical, sympathetic, ugly, but beautiful within. She is a deeper side of us. We want you to love the Wicked Witch—and us—for the lovable characteristics that you can’t see right away.

Rent: In Rent, everyone meets, falls passionately in love, breaks up or dies, but somehow still finds love again. The secrets here: we want you to love us for our creative, rebellious, and vulnerable vices, as well as our virtues. And, we’re watching to see how open-minded you are about social issues.

Phantom of the Opera: Behind the sexy, mysterious mask is a man without a nose, a partially exposed skull, and some serious anger-management issues. But with the mask and a killer song, he’s every woman’s dreamboat. The Phantom loves his lady for her talent, beauty, and everything that she could be. It’s a dark, burning, intense love, one that never rests. And we all want someone to love us that strongly. Granted, the Phantom gets a bit stalker-psycho, but in the end, he knows that, because he loves her, he must set his lady free to marry the hot, rich guy. And the heroine sails off knowing she’s always got a man burning for her, with a love deeper than she’s ever known, in addition to the young stud. Not a bad situation to be in!

West Side Story: A more classic show, where the actors talk, then suddenly burst into song. It’s a modern telling of Romeo and Juliet, though the two main characters are slightly older and more believable than the original 13-year-old star-crossed lovers. You’ve got dancing gang members, rage, sex, murder, attempted-rape, tragedy, and finally, peace and understanding on the hostile streets of New York City. Pretty amazing. Unlike Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, Tony and Maria’s love defies social and racial boundaries. The stakes are higher for them, but their love is stronger than hate. We want you to love us just as strongly. And the dancing gang members are just cool.

So, in case you missed it, the uniting theme—or inner female secret—is loving, and being loved in return, no matter the circumstances. That, despite our shortcomings, inner witches, and external influences, someone is willing to love us deeply and passionately. You don’t have to agree with us, or with the musical. It is the emotion and feelings evoked that we want you to understand. And while you might not connect to musical theatre like your girlfriend does, deep down, don’t you also want someone who will love you just as passionately, despite your own flaws, real or perceived?

Deep down, I believe that we all have the dream and desire for a love so strong it can defy gravity, that somewhere, there is a place for us where we can make the music of the night, so we are never on our own again as we weather the seasons of love. (If you actually got that sentence, you are my hero.)

Photo courtesy of the State Library of New South Wales

Grief. It affects us all, in some form or another. Unless you pass through life in a catatonic state, it’s going to hit you someday, and you will be completely blindsided. Whether it’s the loss of a loved one, or a particularly nasty breakup, or even breaking a nail (I don’t know, it could be a really nice nail…), pain is inevitable. Life is pain. Anyone who says different…. *Ahem.*

The point is, everyone hurts. It’s how you deal with it that makes you who you are. I’ve had people tell me that everyone deals with pain differently, and while that may be true to some extent, I don’t entirely believe it. Just from my experience, there are certain modes people fall back upon to deal with grief. Some people deal with it using drugs or alcohol. Some fall into depression. Some people take it out on other people. Some just stop living.

There are the people who use it for good, who take their grief and turn it into something that helps others, and then there are the people on the opposite end of the spectrum who take it and hold onto it, using it as an excuse for their bitterness and lash out at anyone and everyone who comes near them. And then there are the people who take the pain and box it up, or laugh it off so they don’t become one of those bitter people. And the majority probably deal with pain in some mixture of all of the above.

But I’ve come to the conclusion that it isn’t the type of grief that makes someone who they are. There are the people who have gone through more pain than anyone should ever have to experience, who are a joy to be around, who have grieved and while they may still hurt, have for whatever reason decided to not to let that pain end their life. And then there are the people who take every hurt and use it as an excuse to be miserable. To wait for happiness to happen to them, and then make everyone else around them suffer when it doesn’t.

But I’m going to tell you, right here and now, that happiness isn’t something that happens to you. It’s something you have to make for yourself. You can’t live your life thinking, “oh, well when I get that promotion,” or “any minute the right man is going to come along, and then I can really start living my life,” because, if you wait, you’re going to be waiting forever. There will always be greener grass somewhere, and I’m sorry to tell you this, but life isn’t perfect. In fact, most of the time, it sucks. Happiness is not something that happens to you. It’s a choice.

So make the choice to be happy. Make the choice to say, “okay, I know bad things are going to happen, and it’s going to hurt. But I’m going to deal with them, and I’m not going to let pain and anger control the way I live my life.” I know it’s a cliché, but the fake-it-’til-you-make-it slogan is true. You can wake up and say, “I’m going to put on a happy face and go out there and make the world a better place. I’m not going to let the pain ruin my life.”

This is one of those things I learned the hard way. But I’ve made it my goal, and although I know I fail often, I’m still doing my best to not be a miserable person. I want to be one of those people whom other people look at and go, “see her? She’s gone through so much, but she’s an amazing person to be around. There’s just something about her—I feel good when she’s there.”

Like I said, I fail often. But I’m trying. I’m learning to control what comes out of my mouth—harsh things, complaining, making other people feel bad—those are things that I don’t want people to associate with me. And I know I fail at that in multiple ways.

But I also can see myself improving. And I can see when other people choose to live life for what it is, and I can see the people who resent everything that happens to them, feeling as if nothing is ever good enough. I want to be the former.

So choose to be happy. If you don’t make changes on the inside, nothing’s going to happen on the outside. Trust me.

Photo by Ed Yourdon

A few months ago, I posted some easy ways to make your relationship stronger. They were simple and not too taxing, right?  But now it’s time to talk about those dreadful things like:

• Introspection
• Personal responsibility
• Seeing past your own anger

Yikes! How un-fun is that? Because, really, how can anyone be expected to do these things when our partner is clearly in the wrong? Hmm, maybe it’s better to see beyond the need to be right and look at how to work out differences?

1.  Don’t be jealous, and if you are, own it. You may not like what I’m going to say, but look at sexy people. They are all around us. On TV, on the street, in the workplace. The day after our wedding, my husband and I took a walk on Mission Beach before we met up with the rest of our friends and family for the post-wedding events. Suddenly, this model-chick with literally the most perfect butt roller-bladed past us. All butts should aspire to look this good. And I know mine does not. But he was still holding my hand, and we had a nice little banter about the perfectness of what had just skated by.

Love yourself enough to know that, despite the fact that we are surrounded by good-looking people, you still have someone who loves you for who you are. Love and trust your partner enough to know that looking is simply that. Looking.

A caveat: be aware that feelings are not logical, and we cannot be expected to control them. We do control how we act upon them. If you are jealous about someone specific, own this feeling, and be honest about it. Don’t tell your boyfriend that he can’t look at other women. Instead, be specific. Tell him, “look, I trust you, but I feel a little jealous when you talk about how much fun your super-model, blonde, Swedish, office mate is.”  No ultimatum, no suggestion that he quit, change offices, or stop talking to the lady. You may find that, instead of a fight, you’re met with an “I’m sorry” or, better yet, he says, “you know I love you best,” or “she reminds me of you.”

Another caveat: gauge your partner’s reactions. If you see your boyfriend cringe every time you ogle the sexy waiter at the sushi restaurant as he refills your sake, don’t jump to the conclusion that he’s being too controlling. He may be trying not to act jealous, but cannot control the feeling. Be aware of how your actions can affect others, and reassure him that it’s his sake that keeps you warm, and not the waiter’s.

2.  Be honest about your moods. We all wake up on the wrong side of the bed. And when we do, boy, is our partner ever annoying! But it’s not fair to pick a fight just because you’re having a crappy day. By the way, this is not easy to do because, sometimes, I cannot pinpoint what is bothering me. I just know that I am angry and that my husband is taking too long a shower, or hogging the computer, or left a spoonful of yogurt in the container, and it is driving me crazy!

But instead of airing all my anger in dramatic, raging monologue, followed by a door-slamming exit, I ask myself, “would this have bothered me yesterday?” I know my husband doesn’t do things to purposefully make me mad. So, I tell him that I’m frustrated, not with him, but that I still need a little space. And if I need help from him, I tell him specifically what I need. We can’t expect mind-reading.

3.  He’s not the perfect man, he’s the perfect man for you. Okay, this one’s abstract because it’s a change of mindset. He’s not the perfect guy because he’s tall, handsome, likes to take long walks on the beach and read poetry. He’s perfect because he loves you for who you are (not because you’re tall, gorgeous, like to take long walks on the beach and watch football games.) He’s perfect because he respects himself enough to know what he wants in a relationship and is willing to build one with you.

4.  During a fight, look at things from his point of view. Seriously, when my husband and I fight, the last thing I want to do is see things from his side because, really, I’m the hurt and wronged-one here. But when I actually listen, I can see a different perspective—maybe not one I like or agree with, but a step toward resolution nevertheless.

Just acknowledging that both of you are hurting takes the “right” and the “wrong” out of the fight and it makes it easier to find a solution that makes both of you happy.

5.  Lather, rinse, repeat.

Communication is really what this all boils down to.  “I need you to understand how I feel.”  “I need your help.” “I need to understand how you feel.” These aren’t easy conversations. They take patience and respect for yourself and your partner. We have to work to understand our feelings and our partner’s, but in the end, we learn as much about ourselves as we do about the one we love.

Unfortunately, some people just don’t seem to understand the process, posting updates that are completely inane or completely inappropriate.

If you suspect that you might be such a person, then I am here to help you out. The next time you have a potential comment you’d like to post, just follow these simple steps:

First, read through each criterion below, and score points as noted. Then, tally up your results. If your final tally is above 0 points, post away! If your final tally is below 0 points… mmmm, yeah, you might want to go ahead and rethink the comment.

Okay, here we go:

1.      The comment has something to do with a stroke of luck you just had: +2 points

2.      The comment has something to do with a stroke of genius you just had: +10 points

3.      The comment has something to do with a stroke you just had: +30 points

4a.    The comment has something to do with your last medical visit: +3 points

4b.    Your last medical visit was to a proctologist or gynecologist: –10 points

5a.    The comment has something to do with a bodily function: –5 points

5b.    Your last bodily function was performed accidentally: –10 points

5c.    Your last bodily function was performed accidentally and publicly: –20 points

5d.    Your last bodily function was that you crapped out a solid gold goose egg: +100 points

6a.    The comment is a description of the last meal you had: –2 points

6b.    Your last meal led to an accidental and public performance of a bodily function: –15 points

6c.    Your last meal led to an accidental and public performance of a bodily function, and you are posting this as a warning to others: +10 points if you can live without your dignity

7.      –2 points for each previous update you’ve already posted in the past half hour

8.      –2 points for each drink you’ve had in the past three hours

9a.    The comment is directed at one specific person only: +0 points

9b.    The comment is directed at one specific person with whom you are angry, and with whom you have not confronted regarding your feelings: –10 points

10a.  The comment has something to do with unrequited love: +1 point

10b.  Your unrequited love has a significant other: –3 points

10c.  Your unrequited love has a significant other who is on your friends list: –20 points

11a.  The comment is a pronouncement of your undying love for your special One: +5

11b.  You’ve known your special One less than two hours: –10 points

12a.  The comment is an announcement of your recent engagement: –1 point

12b.  Your future father-in-law is pointing a shotgun at your head as you type the announcement of your engagement: +30 points

13.    The comment is an announcement of your recent breakup: +1 point

14.    The comment is an announcement to your significant other that you’re breaking up: –5 points

15.    The comment is an announcement of your promotion at work: +10 points

16.    The comment is an announcement of your promotion to Godfather in Mafia Wars: –10 points

17a.  The comment is an announcement that you’re going to have a baby: +5 points

17b.  The father-to-be has not yet been informed of his impending fatherhood: –20 points

18.    You know the difference between the following pairs of words: +1 point for each pair

• “your” and “you’re”
• “its” and “it’s”
• “their” and “they’re”
• “lose” and “loose”

19.    The comment includes the words “lol” or “lmao”: –1 point for each instance

20.    Your mother is on your Facebook: –3 points

21.    Your high school teacher is on your Facebook, you are still in high school, and your comment has to do with any one of the following topics:

• Cheating on a test: –5 points
• Ditching school: –5 points
• Drinking alcohol: –10 points
• Smoking pot: –10 points
• Your secret crush on your high school teacher: –20 points

So, how did you do? Can I expect to get a witty, insightful, clever, intelligent, meaningful, and appropriate status update from you next time? Or is your comment only gonna end up on Lamebook?