Musings on Life and Love

Photo by Lutz-R. Frank via Flickr

I don’t consider myself a saccharine person, but one thing I wouldn’t mind having a little bit sweeter is my family. We get together on holidays and birthdays, but there’s always a lot of dead air. Dead air, as in someone just sucked all the oxygen out of the room, leaving only panicked expressions on our faces.

It doesn’t help that my family has dwindled down to around ten people. Here’s a social math rule: the more people there are to spread out an awkward situation, the less awkward it becomes for each individual.

I love my family and appreciate the time we have together, even if it’s not what I always hoped I would have. Still, I was never able to get past my older brother’s aloofness. We’re six years apart, and we had what I’d describe as a less-than-average childhood. We both made it through extreme medical crises, but not even those brought us any closer. Now that we’re adults, I still don’t understand why he doesn’t want to associate with me.

I’ve tried joking with him, engaging him in conversation, and even asking his girlfriend to hang out. I got what could be best described as robotic replies, blank stares, and insincere offers of help when I need it. At his wedding, I hugged him and told him I loved him… to which he replied, “I know.”

You know?!

“You know” things like you need to eat your vegetables, pre-treat stains, vacuum more often, and floss every day. Read more…

Photo by Kristin McKee via Flickr

When my friend is going through a breakup, it becomes my personal mission to mend her figurative heart. The quantity of chocolate ice cream at the supermarket diminishes noticeably. The local Blockbuster’s angry-girl-loses-guy-but-then-meets-even-cuter-one genre experiences a huge spike in rentals. I have all the right tools to combat my friend’s newly acquired depression….

Except the verbal skills.

Some people are born with a silver spoon in their mouths. My spoon is more of a copper alloy (you know, the kind that turns your skin green after you’ve worn it for too long).

A few years ago, after her relationship had come to a fiery end, my bosom buddy and I sat on her couch while she poured out her heart. I tried to keep my terror from showing on my face. What was I supposed to do? What could I say?

She paused and looked at me with those pleading, tear-filled eyes. I had to come up with something both insightful and comforting. And quickly. Hurry, hurry! What always made me feel better?

“Uh, I want ice cream.”

We asked our readers what’s the worst thing a friend can say to help someone get over a breakup. I’m ashamed to realize I’ve used almost all the clichés out there. Miss Bonnified doesn’t want to hear,  “I always hated him,” while Anna cringes at, “he wasn’t that great, anyway.” I used both of these lines on my friend that day.

Next, I tried to be gentle, telling her that “it wasn’t meant to be.” But those are words that Lauren H never likes to hear. I knew for a fact that she was “better off without him,” but that’s something reader Resullins despises.

FatalFlyingGuillotine sums up the general sentiment on clichés: Read more…

Image by utsavbasu1 via Flickr

We get lots of generic advice when we break up. “You’ll get through it.” “You’re better off.” “Don’t worry, you’ll find the One.” But no one ever tells us how to get through the pain, the loneliness, the emptiness. Whether the breakup is mutual, shocking, brutal, or civil, it sucks.

So what do we do? Blast “I Will Survive” until our ears bleed? When will those yucky feelings go away? I think everyone has their own progression that they go through, similar to the five stages of grief. Here’s mine:

Disbelief and Denial

After my boyfriend of two years broke up with me, I was shocked. In hindsight, it was a long time coming. During the last turbulent months of our relationship, I knew we were heading down that road. He had moved away six weeks prior—a tell-tale sign of doom. But when it actually happened… well, I was shocked. It was a Sunday morning, and he had spent the weekend with me. When he left that morning, he left for good. I was a puddle. I sat in my room for three hours, knowing that once I walked out of there, I’d have to face my roommates and tell them what happened. I wasn’t ready for it to be real.

Desperation

Six hours after the dumping, I made the tearful phone call begging Mr. Ex to take me back. Not one of my finer moments. I was a ball of desperate emotion. I needed to save us and wasn’t ready to accept all the valid reasons for the breakup. Read more…

After reading an article written by a very logical and wise friend, I was floored. He and his girlfriend had decided to break up because there was no Moment to clarify that they’d found the One.

I could not believe it. What was he thinking? How could he think that she wasn’t the One? How could anyone think that the One even existed?

I have been happily married for two years to a man I know is not the One. Why? I do not believe there is such a thing as the One. Am I to believe that there is one person out there for me? One person to be my other half, to make my life complete, to spend forever with? Yeah, right!

The idea of the One is just a set-up for failure. Why do we even want to start looking for the One? To find One person out of billions can only be an unattainable goal. The One is bogus!

For as long as I can remember, movies have been telling little girls and boys that there is that One, and when we meet them, we will KNOW. It might be at the bus stop or the coffee shop, but he or she is out there. What movies do not tell you is that, two months later, the conviction that this person is the One goes away, and now we cannot stand this person. Read more…

Photo by HerLanieShip via Flickr

My friend has embarked on the noble journey of making himself into the “Perfect 10.” He figures that if he wants to date a woman he considers the ultimate match, he himself needs to be a perfect 10.

Everyone has their own idea of who their optimal mate is. My friend wants someone who is confident, sexual, financially-stable and many other remarkable and understandably desirable qualities. So, he is working on improving his own shortcomings in these areas.

I love the idea of self-improvement and becoming the best person you can be. There’s nothing like the self-confidence having a great job, a nice car, a fantastic body, stable finances and interesting hobbies gives you.

It’s a wonderful idea, reaching your full potential as a human being and meeting someone who meets all your requirements, who is simply right for you. But what happens when your exemplary partner loses his job or she gains 20 pounds? Read more…

Image by Clipart.com

As the cliché generalizes so succinctly, breaking up is hard to do. Especially when you don’t know if it’s the right decision….

I would like to announce that I just experienced the most civil breakup in the annals of breakups. Seriously, if Gandhi and Mother Theresa had been an estranged couple, they wouldn’t have done a better job. It was a mutual decision, we both knew it was probably inevitable (even though neither of us wanted to admit it for some time), and we parted ways with the promise that we wouldn’t lose touch with each other. No bitterness. No hurt feelings. Nothing bad to say about each other. No sense of rejection or betrayal.

Easy, right?

Of course not. The breakup was still an agonizing, gut-wrenching decision. Because, when it came to making that decision, we didn’t have a reason to break up… or a tangible one, anyway.

The truth is, we got along incredibly well. Read more…

Image by Clipart.com

Friendship. It’s so many wonderful things. It’s caring. It’s affection. It’s laughter and inside jokes.

It’s also the last bastion of the freshly dumped. After all, how many breakup conversations include the phrase, “can we just be friends?”

So why do we go along with such a “request”? Are we that desperate? Do we get so attached that we’re willing to settle for friend status just to stay in someone’s life? Take the story of Jackie:

Jackie is a strong, independent woman (usually). She is also the victim of a recent breakup. Robert, her live-in boyfriend of three years, has decided that he needs time to “figure things out.” He still wants to be friends, but he needs to take a break from the relationship.

Jackie reluctantly accepts this arrangement, and the two continue to see each other once or twice a week, essentially at his discretion: she makes herself available when he calls, and only sometimes is he available when she calls.

Months pass, and Robert still hasn’t figured out what he wants. Though Jackie makes a few half-hearted attempts to date other men, not surprisingly, these dates go nowhere. She continues to pine for Robert.

So, why does Jackie put up with Robert’s wishy-washiness? Perhaps a better question is, what is going on inside Jackie’s brain…. Read more…

Image by Catzrule99 via Flickr

It finally happened. Maybe it was when you were giving her your best “come hither” look, as her eyes and the merlot twinkled in the candlelight. Or perhaps you were out for a stroll, and she leaned into you as the wind blew her hair. Or better yet, maybe you were lazing in bed on Sunday morning, too blissful to dress. And then she said it.

“I’ve bought us tickets for a show.” And she’s not talking about the topless kind in Vegas.

She means a Broadway show, gentlemen.

There’s going to be singing,  dancing, and most likely, a lot of angst. If I may speak in gross generalities, women tend to get really fired up about musical theatre, while men (though they might not hate it) can probably think of better things to do on a Saturday night. Personally, I love going to the theatre, and the more singing about inner turmoil, the better. Yes, it’s unbelievable to burst into song, but we suspend reality all the time when watching television or films. For me, the music takes the emotion of the situation up a notch. It’s art at its finest, a beautiful marriage of story and sound.

But I digress. I’m not here to sell anyone on musical theatre. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions. That being said, when presented with show tickets, be aware! The secrets of the female mind are hidden in music, harmonies, and plot-driven-lyrics. Never fear, for all will be revealed to you over the two- to three-hour course of the show (plus intermission).

However, in case you find it a bit difficult to follow the show’s plot and decipher the secrets of the female mind, I humbly present the hidden secrets in some popular musicals: Read more…

Photo by Ed Yourdon

A few months ago, I posted some easy ways to make your relationship stronger. They were simple and not too taxing, right?  But now it’s time to talk about those dreadful things like:

• Introspection
• Personal responsibility
• Seeing past your own anger

Yikes! How un-fun is that? Because, really, how can anyone be expected to do these things when our partner is clearly in the wrong? Hmm, maybe it’s better to see beyond the need to be right and look at how to work out differences?

1.  Don’t be jealous, and if you are, own it. You may not like what I’m going to say, but look at sexy people. They are all around us. On TV, on the street, in the workplace. The day after our wedding, my husband and I took a walk on Mission Beach before we met up with the rest of our friends and family for the post-wedding events. Suddenly, this model-chick with literally the most perfect butt roller-bladed past us. All butts should aspire to look this good. And I know mine does not. But he was still holding my hand, and we had a nice little banter about the perfectness of what had just skated by.

Love yourself enough to know that, despite the fact that we are surrounded by good-looking people, you still have someone who loves you for who you are. Love and trust your partner enough to know that looking is simply that. Looking. Read more…

Image by Clipart.com

“To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia.” – H.L. Mencken

From an early age, we are bombarded with messages of romance and fairytale endings. Disney has this down to a science. From Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty to Snow White and Ariel, our heads are filled with the idea that someday our prince will come, there will be a “foot-popping” kiss, and we’ll live in happily-ever-after bliss. After many frogs kissed, we may start to wonder, “where is my prince?”

This snipe-hunt that begins at a young age is fueled by our innate need to procreate and pass on our genetic profile. We may find them at Match.com, Chemistry.com, our workplace, through friends, a book store, or at the bottom of a few empty wine glasses. But how do we know that they are The One? Romance can play us for fools, believing we have found the right person when, really, we are only seeing them through drug-laden glasses.

Birth control pills can mask a woman’s ability to detect certain genetic profiles, causing her to often choose mates unwisely. Endorphins and adrenaline can also lead to false-positive results. Traces of testosterone (a chemical Mickey, of sorts, that increases arousal) are found in a man’s saliva, and the longer the kiss, the more is passed on to the woman, increasing her arousal state and willingness to possibly go further. (Now those big, sloppy, dog-like kisses start to make sense!) Read more…