Musings on Life and Love

The status update. The tweet. By whatever name the latest social networking site calls it, it’s how we all keep in touch nowadays.

Unfortunately, some people just don’t seem to understand the process, posting updates that are completely inane or completely inappropriate.

If you suspect that you might be such a person, then I am here to help you out. The next time you have a potential comment you’d like to post, just follow these simple steps:

First, read through each criterion below, and score points as noted. Then, tally up your results. If your final tally is above 0 points, post away! If your final tally is below 0 points… mmmm, yeah, you might want to go ahead and rethink the comment.

Okay, here we go:

1.      The comment has something to do with a stroke of luck you just had: +2 points

2.      The comment has something to do with a stroke of genius you just had: +10 points

3.      The comment has something to do with a stroke you just had: +30 points

4a.    The comment has something to do with your last medical visit: +3 points

4b.    Your last medical visit was to a proctologist or gynecologist: –10 points

5a.    The comment has something to do with a bodily function: –5 points

5b.    Your last bodily function was performed accidentally: –10 points Read more…

I am married. I have a great husband.  I have a beautiful daughter. There is only one thing missing from my life:

I need a wife.

I want someone to yell at when I get home from work and the house isn’t as clean as I think it should be.

I want someone who takes care of me when I am sick.

I want someone who cooks dinner every night.

I want someone who always gets the groceries done.

I want someone who will pay all of the bills, balance the checkbook and keep the household on budget so that I never have to worry about something going past due, or bouncing a check.

Relationships are hard- life is harder. Man, wouldn’t it just be nice to know that someone was just taking care of everything for you?

Oh, wait. That’s what mom’s are for. I guess it’s our mother’s fault- they did everything for us, and took care of the house, but in turn they taught our generation that the woman is the one who does it all.

I am not saying that my husband doesn’t do anything. It’s just that sometimes I don’t want to have to do my job as a wife. I want a wife to do my job for me.

Guess that’s why people get personal assistants.

And maids.

O.K., I change my request:

I want a million dollars.

Image by Rufus Gefangenen

According to the doomsayers out there, Earth is slated for a fiery destruction barely two years from now. So, I decided to do some research of my own on the apocalypse. Fresh off my seven minutes of hardcore academic analysis on Wikipedia, I realize that the apocalypse—like women, in general—is something I’ve totally misunderstood.

Did you know that the apocalypse doesn’t refer to the end of the world? Although it could purportedly involve fracturing continents, brain-devouring zombies, or Michael Jackson, an apocalypse in itself is the disclosure of information to only a privileged few and of which a large percentage of humanity is unaware.

Isn’t it somewhat ironic that the term apocalypse could therefore refer to anything that women understand with ease, but which no man is able to comprehend?

Come to think of it, there has to be a Guypocalypse out there: knowledge hidden from all manhood; information that only the fairer, finer, testosteronally-challenged members of humanity are privy to; things that may not spell the end of the world for a guy, but will nonetheless bewilder us to no end. Things such as…. Read more…

Photo by Lumi the Valiant via Flickr

I screwed up. I think I’ve been playing the wrong sport my entire life.

After reading Meg’s article about the parallels between surfing and dating, I came down with a slight case of the copykittens and decided to see what wisdom I could garner from the sport I know best. I was hoping to churn out insight by the heaping spoonfuls, but instead, I discovered that the lessons I learn from hockey will only get me in trouble if I try to apply them to my dating life. See if you agree:

1. You can hit someone, but you can’t hold them.

2. You can bat it with your hand, but you can’t wrap your fingers around it.

3. You only get sent to the box when you do something illegal.

4. Keep both hands on your stick when you’re making a pass.

5. It doesn’t matter how well you stickhandle if you don’t know how to shoot.

6. Don’t just aim for the hole between the goalie’s legs. Look for any openings left uncovered.

7. Whether your stick curves to the right or the left depends on whether you’re left-handed or right-handed.

8. Sometimes you end up with more than one player in the box at the same time.

9. You have to stop playing at the end of the period.

See what I mean? In fact, I could only find one tidbit of hockey savvy that actually works for dating: Read more…

Image by Clipart.com

Ladies, if you could somehow peer into the mind of the average adult male and view his mental machinations, what do you think you would you see?

I’ll give you the answer in two simple words: hot chicks.

Hey, I admit it. Fantasies of hot chicks occupy a disproportionately large segment of our brain reserves. (Actually, chicks of pretty much every variety abound in our heads.) But it’s not all bubble baths and bikinis up in there. Accompanying these fantasies are plenty of nightmares, too! Nightmares of humiliating missteps, devastating failures, and worst-case scenarios. Nightmares that go something like these:

10. Smoothly chatting up a group of hot chicks while waiting in line at a club, only to be denied entry by the bouncer.

9. Getting shot down by a hot chick and having to make the death march back to our buddies, all of whom witnessed the shoot-down in its gruesome entirety.

8. Attempting to get in a hot chick’s pants by buying her shots and getting her drunk, only to end up puking in the men’s room after she out-drinks our pansy asses.

Read more…

If you read my previous article, you probably noticed that I strayed from my usual subject matter to talk about some non-dating-related events in my life. Well, I figured there were some important lessons to be learned from all this. And here they are:

12. Do not ever sustain a serious injury on a cruise ship. You will literally be dumped off and stranded on the nearest desert island (or peninsula).

11. It is entirely possible to consume a week’s worth of cruise ship food in a single sitting if you know that you’re about to be ingloriously and involuntarily disembarked from said ship the following morning.

Read more…

Image by Clipart.com

If you ask me, online dating is the romantic equivalent of eating at Denny’s: they give you a menu full of tantalizing photos and enticing descriptions, but that Grand Slam breakfast sitting in front of you never looks quite as good as the one on the menu. Of course, this doesn’t mean that you can’t ever enjoy a meal at Denny’s. You just have to realize that the menus may stretch the truth somewhat. The same goes for online dating. Any social reject can figure out that people exercise plenty of factual calisthenics in their online profiles. To that end, I’ve compiled my own list of the most overused online dating aphorisms I’ve come across, and the not-so-scrumptious, not-quite-as-appetizing truths behind them. I present to you my unabridged, unabashed, online dating dictionary….

Translating Men: What They Say and What They Mean

I’m new to the whole online dating thing………. My online dating virginity grants me immunity to be a total jackass at any time during our impending courtship process.

I’m not sure what I’m supposed to say here………. Please excuse me while I now describe myself in the most inane, generic, and clichéd way possible. Hey, I’m new to the whole online dating thing.

I’m pretty laid back and chill………. I have no ambitions in life and am stoked that sitting on my ass, watching TV is now an activity known as “chillin’.”

I’m a total smart-ass……….. I will cover up for my lack of actual wit by belittling anything and everything you say.

Read more…

Image by Clipart.com

Nowadays, guys don’t even have to ask for girls’ phone numbers anymore. We just look you up on Facebook! Unfortunately, some of you still get annoyed when you get asked out online. So, in the spirit of opening the lines of communication, here are the top ten reasons we’d rather use Facebook to ask you out, instead of doing so over the phone or in person:

10. Our Facebook photo is the one photo in existence where we look halfway decent, and we’re hoping you were too drunk to remember what we actually look like in real life.

9. We were too drunk to remember what you actually look like in real life, but hey, you look halfway decent in your Facebook photo!

8. 200 million users on Facebook. Somebody out there’s gotta like us.
Read more…