How I Pissed Off A Bunch Of Asian Women On The Internet

Image by Yaw Yong Xin

Welp, the angry people are at it again.

From now on, whenever I submit an article to The Frisky, I should just make it my goal to see how many hypersensitive people I can offend. That’s what usually ends up happening, anyway.

Here’s a rundown of the latest drama:

I published an article (which itself was based on an old Musings post) about the fact that a disproportionate percentage of Asian women in San Diego (around 30%, according to an informal survey I took on openly refuse to date Asian men. The key term here is openly. These aren’t women who secretly prefer to date non-Asians, but don’t admit it. These are women who publicly announce that they will not date Asian men.

Now, the point of my article wasn’t to judge these women. Nor was it to try to convince them to change their dating preferences. Short of me formatting that part in flashing 20-point Comic Sans font, I don’t know how I could’ve made my intentions more clear. For the record, I see nothing wrong with interracial dating. I think everyone should be allowed to fall in love with whomever they want.

No, the point of the article was to share how this affected my personal dating life. Because the reality is that, as an Asian-American male, I’m confronted with a huge dating discrepancy:

A much higher percentage of Asian women date outside their race than Asian men.

This means that, by my calculations, 19% of the Asian men in the United States are left with nobody. Here’s how I got that number: If 36% of Asian women and 17% of Asian men marry outside their race (according to the Pew Research Center), that means a whopping 19% of Asian men are literally left with no one to marry.

[Note: I’m still trying to wrap my brain around this stat, because it’s absolutely shocking to me. Someone please correct me if I’m wrong (because, boy, do I want to be wrong). Is it really possible that 19% of the Asian men out there are left with no one to marry? What am I missing here?]

I certainly think this fact is worth mentioning. And I certainly think the explanation for this discrepancy is worth speculating on.

Of course, my story incited some choice commentary. Here are two of my favorites:

“You sound like a bitter Betty. Maybe that’s why Asian women won’t date you. Because I wouldn’t… not because you’re an Asian man, but because you’re so shortsighted on humanity.”

“No, you’re supposed to be disappointed that you’re a prejudiced, short-sighted individual who submitted a terrible article.”

Not surprisingly, both of these comments came from Asian women. I think it’s safe to say that I made a few enemies today (though, granted, it was really only a handful of — okay, like three — exceedingly vocal women who took offense).

My writer friend, Kathy, summed up their sentiments pretty well here….

Personal attacks and accusations on my transsexual identity notwithstanding, there’s something I find truly sad about this entire situation….

Let’s say that, hypothetically speaking, a black man starts going around the internet and making public announcements that he will only date white women (I specifically use this as an example, because black men/black women is another group with a huge disparity between the genders when it comes to interracial dating).

Imagine the flak the man would likely take. Or, imagine how a black woman who calls out this man might be treated. At the very least, I think she would be commended for having the courage to point out an uncomfortable truth.

And yet, when I do the same, and I point out the fact (supported by hard evidence from a national survey) that twice as many Asian women than Asian men end up marrying outside their race, I’m the one who gets called prejudiced and ends up having to defend himself?

That, to me, is a little messed up. And maybe that says something about how much respect Asian-American men get when it comes to dating perceptions….

Addendum 5/7/18: The Frisky has removed comments entirely from their site, so you can read the comment archive here. Otherwise, this blog post doesn’t make much sense.

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By day, I'm a marriage and family therapist. By night, I am a relationships and comedy writer, which can be redundant or an oxymoron, depending on your perspective. I'm the creator of Social Savvy Sage, a coaching service that focuses on developing social skills. I am also the creator of Musings, the blog you're reading right now. You can find me on Twitter. (I am not the creator of Twitter.)


  • Awhile ago I said to a Chinese girl (who’s from China) that most Asian American women prefer white men over Asian men. She gave me the most honest answer I’d heard:

    “That’s because they want to have beautiful mixed babies.”

  • I dunno if someone else mentioned this (I scrolled down after 3-4 responses) but maybe that 19% CHOSE not to get married. Do you know how ridiculous American laws are when it comes to marriage when your the man? A woman can take a man for half he’s got/earning even though they’re strictly platonic roommates, let alone during a divorce.

  • anyone who openly refuse to date in their own race is a self hating person and make contradictory to yourself and to your family.

  • Central Asia (Uzbekistan, Kazakhstan, etc.) are countries essentially filled with hapas — Slavic women had children from Mongol men when the Mongols invaded. I don’t see women rushing off to cart away these people as “Beautiful”. The whole hapa thing is just a veneer — the true benefit in AF/WM is all that white privilege and social standing boost you get for dating white. Western hegemony, basically.

  • I am an American-Asian guy, my dad is white and my mom is Asian. I grew up in the US and had a pretty normal childhood. I grew up thinking I was practically white, I guess I am (after all, I have the mind of a US person). I realized, when I was becoming a teenager, that looked quite Asian, except for my eyes. (I do not in any way intend to be offensive about looks here). I realized I also liked white women more. As I realized I was looking quite Asian, started being more selfconscious of myself. However, because I grew up without really assosiating myself with Asians people think I know Chinese and expect more of a reaction when they make an Asian joke. (I don’t know why, but I really don’t mind these kinda of jokes).

    Okay, I will just skip to the question my stupid overly self consious mind has… I am not sure if this is me being the shy person I am either or what but…
    I want to know why this is (the reason why the uninterested percentage is high)

    Is it because of how we look?

    Or is it how we act?

    I will gladly appreciate any feedback, and apologize if I offended anyone or made stupid grammar mistakes.

    • I think you ask some great questions (so definitely no apologies needed). But unfortunately, I don’t think you’re going to get any straight answers. Or at least ones that aren’t going to make people uncomfortable. Because the reality is that, in modern western media, Asian men are portrayed as the most asexual — even sexually inept — of any ethnic group. And honestly, I think that plays a big role in women’s general perceptions.

      I also think it’s awesome that there are Asian males starting to be seen as sex symbols in Hollywood. But the few examples only seem to prove the stereotype.

      At the same time, I think you should keep asking these questions. Because I believe that’s the only way we can start changing perceptions.

    • It’s because you are asian and you get the same asian hate that all asian men get. THere is a happa who did a great article on the internal strife that happas get, and the self hating mothers that hate them as a result. I saw a happa today and thoguht I hope that kid makes it. Personally I don’t know who has it worse, asian men or happa men..

  • So, I just saw this and I find it an interesting statistic to show still. I mean from a completely objective point of view, I know a lot of my asian girlfriends are dating white guys. It’s just interesting to read, especially considering how the Pew’s statistics were measured. It’s basically about 1% or 5% of the populations. However, considering that Asian American communities are not distributed evenly in a 1% to 5% survey, perhaps looking at the regional data would be interesting.

    Also, they say this point in the report: The highest rates of newlywed white/Asian couples are in Hawaii (9%), the District of
    Columbia (7%) and Nevada (5%).

    Anyway, my point being that all this data that is analyzed could be skewed. I mean, 36% and 17%, as you said is separated by 19%. This could be explained with standard deviations, which could drop the difference down pretty significantly. I mean, it’s really dependent on the measurements right? Who responds and what not. Maybe, white/asians are more likely to respond to the census surveys, heaven knows I don’t do them. Also, you have to consider that there are people that 1) Don’t want to get married. or 2) Are homosexual (not saying you are but they do account for some percentage of Asians) or 3)Are mentally disabled and can’t be married (also factor into overall percentage of Asian people). My point is, I don’t think you need to worry.

    On another note, these blogs are interesting considering you’re a teacher. I mean, do they read it? Your responses were hilarious to go through though. Pure gold.

  • Hi Dennis, came across your article about why the guy doesn’t call after first date. Insightful so thanks for that. I wish I could live in the US because I am not into “white” guys so I can help out with the 19 percent you mentioned 🙂 I am Asian German and there aren’t many Asian guys here!

  • My fellow Asian brethren, don’t date or marry non-Asian women. We must think for the future and not about getting dates especially with non-Asian women who largely don’t find us mentally/physically desirable in the first place. And if you do manage to find a decent well behaved Asian woman to date or marry, live in majority Asian communities only. Have your children go to mostly Asian schools. Don’t be to materialistic and don’t let your wife/children watch too much television. White people do this all the time but this is called White flight instead of racism. Do what I just recommended and we won’t get trampled upon so much by non-Asian men/women and Asian women.

    • If that’s what you’ve found works for you, then I can’t argue with that. Personally, though, I think separatism is the wrong way to go.

      As for this:

      …non-Asian women who largely don’t find us mentally/physically desirable in the first place

      I can tell you from personal experience that that’s simply not true. To be blunt, if non-Asian women find you undesirable, I’d guess it’s more from your mental attitude than your physical appearance.

  • Well Dennis, let me first say that I am at least thankful to you for expressing your concern at the huge pink f**king elephant in the room. I recall watching a Tyra banks episode on youtube once that focused on the Asian women/White man IR pairing. She had an Asian man on there by the name of Mike and when asked about what his thoughts were about the phenomenon, he said he had absolutely no problem with it. I thought he was being disingenuous or timid.

    It did not surprise me that Tyra banks brought up the issue of this IR pairing on her show. The rate of Asian women downright rejecting their men and chasing after White men is in epidemic proportions and is a much more salient/exaggerated issue in the soCal region.

    I never even got to talk to White women all that much in college despite the fact that most women in college were White and the worst part was to overhearing them gossip about Asian women. “Oh why don’t they go for their own men, Asian men are nice”. I’m like, “nice” is universal code word in the female world for undate-able.

    White women truly pity us if anything and reject Asian men the most I’ve noticed in my life and it also shows in the data that I’ve been seeing. I’ve given up on them entirely because you start to see the true colors of a certain group once the sociological data forces you to objectively view how they perceive you. They’re much more shallow/discriminatory.

    As for my earlier post about non-Asian women not finding us attractive in a general sense (both physically and mentally). You just have to believe me on this one, I’m an extremely athletic and intelligent guy and I don’t wander about society observing sociological patterns of behaviors without doing some mental tallying.

    Here in Norcal, Asian women are more neutral towards us Asian males whereas in Socal, a large chunk (30-50%) of them are downright biased against Asian men.

    I hope I didn’t come off as too emotional or irrational in my earlier post. Because that was the only conclusion that I could come to after all the years of pondering and research from adolescence until now. I’ve yet to hear of the term Asian flight but I look forward to the day when it is a term that is used just as much as White flight and I will devote myself towards achieving this.

    Its an old Chinese tradition. Feel what the people feel. Provide and be sensitive but heavy handed at times if need be. I feel it in the hearts of young Asian men in the college towns here in Norcal in the shops/libraries/hangouts. A large chunk of them only want to be with Asian women but can’t find out how to conserve them because the forces against them are too powerful to handle at least on an individual level.

    • I’m not trying to be condescending here, but you say this from your personal experience:

      As for my earlier post about non-Asian women not finding us attractive in a general sense (both physically and mentally). You just have to believe me on this one….

      And my personal experience says the complete opposite, and all the non-Asian girlfriends I’ve had will vouch for that. I’m also in Southern California, where you say the situation is the worst.

      So, when you tell me that I just have to believe you, either I’m going to call bullshit, or I’m going to be very slightly insulted that you seem to think you know how my girlfriend (and ex-girlfriends) really feel about me.

      And that’s why I’m going to turn it back on you: You just have to believe me, non-Asian women do find Asian men attractive. Maybe not all of them. But certainly enough of them. I know from my own personal experience. So, if you’re finding that there are no non-Asian women who find you attractive, I think you need to look within yourself and figure out what you’re doing wrong.

      My guess is it’s your negative attitude, because you’re certainly telegraphing that in droves right now.

  • You are definitely not wrong about the figures. The 19% of Asian men who will never marry are individuals like yourself but group dynamics will always trump over individual exceptions. In the decades to come, Asian America will come close to resembling one large late 19th century Chinatown where close to one-fifth of the male population will consist of castrated bachelors. Your personal experiences may make you feel better in the short run but you yourself know you don’t speak for the 19% of Asian men who will never marry or find a partner in this country which is obviously a problem. I’ve lost friends just by bringing this issue up. Funny how they directed the anger at me instead of the issue at hand. This is what I sense from you. Insecurity often reveals itself in cowardly fashion through expressions of anger towards the messenger and not the message. I for one, refuse to adopt a willfully ignorant position on the matter. Anyways, this conversation is done, have fun with the non-Asian women.

    • Well, this is an interesting turn. Let’s see….

      You accuse me of being angry. Yet, which one of us is complaining about the dating preferences of both Asian and non-Asian woman? Which one of us has lost friends over the issue?

      Hint: It’s not me.

      You accuse me of being insecure. Yet, which one of us is complaining that he can’t seem to attract non-Asian woman?

      Hint: It’s not me.

      You bemoan the indisputable gap in interracial dating between Asian men and Asian women. Yet, which one of us is the actually trying to close that gap by presenting himself as a dateable guy to all ethnicities?

      Hint: It’s not you.

      A little self-awareness would serve you well in this life, dude.

  • Let’s not jump the gun there maybe a few reason why Asian women don’t want to marry Asian men. Maybe Asian women think white men are more attractive. In South Korea there are loads of Asian women getting plastic surgery to look like white people.
    Also the traditional expectation maybe the reason. For example Asian women are expected to cook for long hours during the holidays. On top of that having Asian in laws can be a nightmare.

    Also more and more men don’t want to get married let alone date. I am one of men that can’t even bother to date let alone get married. No advantages to dating women. I don’t hate women but most women have unfair and unrealistic expectations. I’ll be more than happy Asian women are dating white men.

    • Thinkitthrough

      This is a very misguided notion. They are not getting plastic surgery to look like us. They’re getting plastic surgery to follow the trend of beauty that has existed for thousands of years throughout their history. Beauty is always about what is uncommon. This is why in the West our women receive breast implants, liposuction, buttock implants, nose jobs, cheek augmentations, mentoplasty (chin surgery), botox injections, collagen implants, etc. The difference is that the number of women receiving procedures is about the same but the population size is different so if you use percentages then it seems like it’s significantly more. That aside, the pressure to be “beautiful” may also be different because of cultural differences. In the West we TRY to nurture confidence and encourage acceptance. This is simply not the case in South Korea and Asia.

      Your response is a perfect example. In the West we are led to believe that WE are attractive (be proud of who you are) but the bottom line is that we don’t look like Matt Damon, Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, David Beckham, etc. Our women DON’T look like Scarlett Johansson, Charlize Theron, Jennifer Aniston, Angelina Jolie, etc. Yet we are still proud of the way we look because our society says “it’s okay.” I see Asian women that have undergone plastic surgery and THEY DO NOT LOOK LIKE US. They do not WANT to look like us. Honestly, most of them think we all look the same and I’ve even heard a lot of them say that frankly we are simply unattractive. Some of them weren’t so nice and had some choice words like (birth defects etc.) but I’ll save you the injury to your self-esteem. Given the nature and advancements that modern technology have made, if a person REALLY WANTED to look caucasian, they could have it done.

      Case in point:

      – This is what is possible if someone really wants to be Asian. The reverse is also true. So I hope this clears things up.

  • Great article Dennis. But the reason i really wanted to post a comment was because of @tedlabs advice, which is pure gold. thank you for your wise words my man they are solid gold.Arab/Kurd male love asian women but love women in general.

  • Assimilation

  • It’s the easy way IN for Asian women

  • And how many asian women within that 30% were actually attractive? I guess it’s close to zero, if not zero. you can see for yourself; just create a bogus account and scroll through all the asian women in a given region; over 90% of them are not good looking at all. truth is, most asian women actually do prefer asian men, especially if he is above average in looks; the ones who SAY they don’t usually suffer from self-esteem issues or are perhaps bitter that asian men never liked them. notice how the asian women who date white men tend to be noticeably less attractive than those with asian men. that should be telling you something.

    also, you have to consider that dating sites in general carry a selection bias; you have to wonder why those women had to resort to online dating in the first place. there’s a good chance that asian women who like asian men don’t even need to use online dating since they already have no problem meeting asian men in real life. thus, of course you’ll have a higher percentage of bitter asian women that will use such sites.

    • Well, this is certainly one of the more bigoted comments we’ve gotten here….

    • calling this a bigoted comment makes you a cuck, and that’s where your problem lies. He is just saying it because it is true and yet you call him a bigot. 90 precent of asian women who date white men are ugly.

  • You want the truth boys? Take it from ME, a Eurasian child from these marriages. I am legit sick to my stomach even thinking about my parents. Luckily my white worshipping mother is dead. Lol @ people telling me to be proud of being a Eurasian or proud of being Chinese. Why? Why should I do that? So I can openly admit that my mother thought only white was good enough, something I could never be? No wonder Eurasians are almost all uniformly weird or mentally ill.

    Want to see the real result of Asian women and white men? I keep a blog about the truth about this BS behind closed doors:

    Do yourselves all a favor and pass it alone for everyone to see what monsters these people really are.

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  • Roger Chan (not my real name!)

    Dennis, you don’t sound bitter, sexist, racist, or anything negative at all. You sound like a FEMINIST and that is a good thing. It is shocking how frequently women are unable at recognizing their own feminist arguments when said by a man. Your point about how a black man would be criticized for refusing to date black women is totally valid and spot-on. The truth of the matter is that women are not held accountable for being sexist. The feminist blogosphere is replete with articles written by women bemoaning the white standard of beauty, and that is a good thing. The problem is that women are total hypocrites regarding their own dating preferences. If I say that there are too many white women on the covers of magazines, I get applauded as a feminist. If I say that there are not enough people of color in Hollywood roles, I get applauded as a feminist. But if I say that there are too many Asian women dating white men I get booed as a sexist. This is ridiculous since those three statements are pretty damn equivalent.

    For centuries nobody care what women thought about anything. that changed in the 1960’s, and frankly, we entered the “anything goes” era of feminism where women’s opinions on gender were worshipped and not questioned. I think that in the 21st century we need to go the extra step and question if a woman’s opinion is in fact sexist.

    My mother is Chinese and my father is white. When I last saw her, she said over coffee…”blah blah blah, you know how most Chinese men are ugly…” She stopped herself and then just kind of trailed off. I didn’t call her out because she’s old and I want her to be in peace with herself. Also, I am very accustomed to hearing this sort of blatant racism and sexism from women.

    I dated a white girl who asked me, “Why are Asian women so accepting of lame-ass white men?” I asked her, “Why are you so unaccepting? How can that statement not be seen as sexist and douchey?”

    You did not piss of a bunch of Asian women, you pointed out their blatant racism, sexism, and hypocrisy.

  • I can resonate with this, i write a blog on the topic. Here’s an example of one:

  • Black men already do this to BW. Publicly announcing they don’t want BW.

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