Bonnie’s Rules For Kindergarten, Bachelor Parties, And Life In General

Via Esquire.com

When people hear I’m engaged, the most common question they ask is, “How’s the wedding planning going?”

This question usually leads right into the second most common question:

“So, are you going to let your fiance have a bachelor party?”

This, my chiropractor just asked me, as he was cracking my back and popping my bones back into place last week.

Grunting between pops of my back, I replied, “Of course. Why wouldn’t I?”

Maybe it was because of my answer. Maybe it was because of how fast I answered him. Or maybe it’s  because my chiropractor thinks I’m some kind of wholesome angel and thus utterly innocent to the workings of such shady places. I have no idea, but the next thing he asked me was, “Bonnie, do you know what happens during a bachelor party?”

Buddy. Oh, buddy buddy buddy. I pat his hand (somehow, I felt like I had to comfort him) and said, “Of course, I do.”

All was quiet except for the sound of my bones cracking. After a moment of confused silence, he asked me how I was so okay with it all.

I told him that it’s actually pretty simple, and it all goes back to what I learned in kindergarten….

Bonnie’s rules for kindergarten, bachelor parties, and life in general:

  1. Keep your hands to yourself.
  2. Keep your mouth shut and don’t stick out your tongue.
  3. Keep what’s in your pants IN YOUR PANTS.
  4. Keep your zipper zipped at all times.
  5. If someone tries to touch you in your private places, you say “NO” and get away from them.

Simple, right?

Clyde gets The Rules. And, to be completely honest, I trust Clyde. That’s why I don’t see why Clyde shouldn’t have a bachelor party.

If I didn’t trust him, I would be out of this relationship faster than he could say “wait.” I would throw on my killer shoes (like I did all the other times) and let him watch my ass sashay its way out of of his life. It’s not that hard at all to do.

So, yes. I know exactly what goes down in a bachelor party. It’s no secret to me. It also doesn’t bother me when he goes to his party, because I know he’s no stray dog. I know my man wouldn’t do anything to disrespect me, hurt me or make me mad. I trust him.

Trust takes a long time to establish, kind of like our credit history. Actually, now that I think about it, trust is the credit rating for a relationship. We have to nurture it and check on it constantly to make sure it’s intact. We have to guard it carefully and make sure not to weaken it by taxing it beyond its limits.

Trust takes a surprising amount of time, sweat and effort to build with someone else, just like our credit score. And as long as we respect the power inherent in what we’ve built, our rating is golden. However, just one tiny misstep and… KA-BLAM!!! We can kiss that perfect score good bye and say hello to years of working to repair our broken rating.

At the same time, credit histories are generally more forgiving, since we get to start with a clean slate once we survive the seven years after a Credit Apocalypse (that is, bankruptcy). To the best of my knowledge, there’s no such rule for humans. Sure, we have a thing called “forgiveness” that we can dole out at any time, but that doesn’t mean we’ll ever forget. I’m a double-Scorpio. I never forget when someone hurts me, and my trust in them will never be made whole. At best, it will be a broken thing held together in an ugly manner with a bunch of duct tape.

When Clyde and his friends go out for his bachelor party, I know they’re just out to have a good time and to celebrate commiserate escort him into the land of the Married Pod People with one last huge hedonistic party as a single, unmarried man.

I’ve had some people tell me, “You’re just flirting with disaster if you let him go. How do you know he won’t have a slip in judgement and accidentally have sex with one of the strippers?”

Accidentally? Really? That’s their reasoning for trying to talk me out of letting him have one?

Look. There’s no such thing as “accidentally” having sex with someone. Temptation exists everywhere, not just in strip bars. What am I supposed to do? Lock him up in a panic room for the rest of his life?

It all comes back again to trust. One night in a strip bar isn’t enough for me to kick him out of my life.

Clyde going out with his friends for their bachelor party also isn’t going to see me heading out to the nearest gun store to buy razor wire, a silencer and a 9-mm. Multiple nights in a week over many weeks… that would be cause to raise hell. But one night? No.

Besides, don’t people know it’s the bachelorette parties that are the craziest? Silly boys.

Just sayin’.

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17 comments

  • See, shit like this pisses me off:
    “Bonnie, do you know what happens during a bachelor party?”
    “You’re just flirting with disaster if you let him go. How do you know he won’t have a slip in judgement and accidentally have sex with one of the strippers?”

    Really? REALLY?! ACCIDENTALLY?!

    How retarded do people think women are?

    And yes, bachelorette parties are FAR more crazy/dangerous… when a group of even decently attractive women want attention they know how to get it. Most dudes just know how to get shitfaced and make idiots of themselves.

    • * high five *

      RIGHT???!!! How do you “accidentally” have sex with someone? And even if it wasn’t at a bachelor party, don’t they know temptation exists EVERYWHERE??? I’m just going to point at Weiner’s wiener and say “I rest my case.”

      I have no idea how dumb and naive people must think females are because they routinely ask me this question. I completely agree with you regarding packs of roving females stalking the night during a bachelorette party. I’ve seen some insane things go down that makes bachelor parties look tame by comparison.

      As for “most dudes just know how to get shitfaced and make idiots of themselves”….ehehehehehe….I don’t know why I thought that was so funny. x)

  • But on a sidenote, I liked the article 😉

  • But what if I really really really really really have to pee?

    Can I unzip then?

    • Now you’re just being a wise ass. Notice how Bonnie’s Rules Of Kindergarten takes into account the times when your zipper does have to become unzipped. The Rules clearly state no one is to touch your privates. If they do, you are to tell them ” ‘NO’ means no!” and get away.

      I considered writing my own take on the touching of the privates. Based upon the wise lessons of my mom when I was a kid, she said if anyone tried to touch me in a bad way, I was to stomp on their insoles, jab with in the solar plexus with my elbow, kick them in the crotch, whirl around and shove the heel of my hand up and against their nose in an upward, sharp thrusting motion.

      😀

      I decided to take that out. ….what was your question again? Oh yeah. What if you have to pee. If by “pee”, you mean urinating and I don’t mean as part of a Golden Shower, go right ahead! Just make sure you don’t have an “accident” of sorts. ^_^

  • I honestly never got the point of bachelor(ette) parties. The last time they can be “free” before marriage?! Does this mean that while you’re engaged (or just in a committed relationship) with someone you’re also “free” ?! Can a guy say to his fiancee something like “Hey honey, tonight I’m going to have a wild orgy with two gorgeous women, one really hung dude, and our pet pig, but don’t worry, after we’re married I won’t get down with s**t like this anymore”?! Hmm…
    I guess you could look at it like a last temptation/test, but really, resisting the temptation at your bachelor party doesn’t mean you haven’t cheated before it or that you won’t cheat after you’re married. Love relationships are the kind of things you have to constantly work at, and besides, like someone said in another article, when you truly love someone, it’s makes things easier (and that includes resisting temptations).
    On a sidenote, I also never got the point of “strictly” striptease – what’s the point of getting turned on by someone and NOT sleep with her/him?! I guess some people go to it to get turned on and then they return home and “blow off the steam” with their partner – but to me, that’s just really, really sad…
    It seems to me that the bachelor parties are more of an excuse for the bachelor’s friends to party (“Hey honey, I went to a striptease show last night, but don’t be mad, it was for Jim’s bachelor party, so it’s OK!) – which is also pretty sad…
    Also, accidentally having sex with someone – now that’s a goldmine for stand-up comedy – “Hey honey, umm, last night me and the stripper kinda bumped into each other and my penis accidentally found itself out of my pants and into her vagina – but don’t worry, it was completely innocent”… 😉

    • I don’t get the whole “last night of freedom” thing either. I don’t think it’s okay to engage in dubious activity when you’re committed to someone, be it in a new relationship / long term relationship / engagement / marriage. I think all forms of commitment should be respected and given the proper respect.

      As for “last temptation”, that’s silly to think it only exists in clubs / seedy lounges / upscale joints / boobie bars. Temptation exists everywhere especially in this day and age. Case in point, Weiner and his wiener’s escapades. You (and by “you”, I don’t mean just yourself but people in general) just have to be mindful of your actions, know that there are consequences, take responsibility for what you do…basically, the stuff you learn in kindergarten.

      I also do not understand the infatuation guys have with strippers. In theory, you can’t touch her…but you have to give her money just for looking at her… I dunno. I chalk it up to you guys being visually driven creatures. I have no idea. It is a constant source of amusement for me.

      I agree. It seems like bachelor parties are more for the groom’s friends (well, it’s true in my case) but whatever. I’m primarily concerned with my man. At the end of the day, I trust him and see no reason why he can’t have a boys night out.

      And yes, it is a comedic goldmine of jokes. 🙂

    • @Miss Bonnified Ahh yes, paying the stripper, I forgot about that… But really, it makes sense: who WOULDN’T want to pay money to get sexually frustrated?! Of course, you could have your girlfriend/boyfriend give you a striptease show AND afterwards make love to her/him but c’mon, that’s just lame… 😉

    • I’m all about getting a lap dance from Clyde. I just have to work him up to it. Ahahaha!

      I agree. I think it’s a great way for couples to rekindle their relationship and to reconnect when one gives the other all the voyeuristic awesomeness of a strip show but with the added benefit of getting to touch….and stuff. 😀

      I have no idea why men/lesbians like to give money to a woman just to look at her. * shrug *

    • And straight women. I have to confess. I like to make it rain when I’m in a boobie bar. 😀

    • Yeah, I sometimes did fantasize about “making it rain” in a night club (y’know, just for the fun of it). Unfortunately, with my budget, I doubt the ladies will be impressed (in a positive manner) by me literally showering them with a bucket full of 5-cent coins… 🙂

  • So true about the trust…In my case, it was never repaired, kept getting worse and worse and that’s why we’re not together.

    • That’s the problem with the trust born of love – it’s not “true” trust, the kind that has developed over a reasonably long time by being proved on enough occasions. “Love trust” it’s actually more of a combination of wishful thinking (“Oh, he loves me too much to EVER betray me!”) and actively ignoring the bad signs (and there are ALWAYS some of those). It’s my personal experience that when a relationship isn’t working properly, it’s pretty obvious. But many, many people try to deceive themselves into thinking that things will be Ok, and end up only hurting themselves. It is my belief that by facing the truth head-on, while painful, will save you from a lot more hurt down the road…

    • I’m sorry to hear about what you went through….it’s never easy to have your trust splintered and then shattered and then try to repair it. I wish you luck in your future relationships.

  • I think bachelor parties are a fun tradition and a good excuse to get all your friends together for a night of partying/drinking and fun. However, I dont think its written in stone anywhere that a bachelor party absolutely has to include a stripper and/or strip club.

    For my bachelor party, we just went out for a night on the town – great dinner at a brazilian steakhouse in downtown Philly, cigar bar, then just a little bar-hopping afterwards. I was completely fine with not going to a strip club and never really felt the need to go that night, nor did I regret my decision to stay away from a place like that.

    I definitely would not be cool with a girlfriend/fiancé/wife going to a male strip club, however. I’ve heard stories of how much women are allowed to get away with (as far as physical contact with the dancers) and from my experience its a completely different situation that you’re most likely to find in a strip club with female dancers.

    • Hey Mark!

      I agree. Not every bachelor party has to include any combo of a stripper(s), poles, clubs in which people getting naked are expected and/or the presence of a champagne room. 😉

      I think it all depends on the person.

      And, just like the man/woman, you’re marrying, every bachelorette party will be different. Not every girl wants to have a pretty-much-naked man gyrating in her face. And yes, for the most part, women are given much more leeway when it comes to the amount of physical contact allowed.

      Maybe it’s because we’re perceived as less threatening or because, from a purely physiological standpoint, we’re generally not as strong as men. Who knows.

      I think it’s important to have this conversation with whomever you decide to marry but know that temptation resists everywhere. What if it was her sister’s bachelorette party and the sister really wants to go to one? Would you refuse to let your wife go to her sister’s party?

      Things like this are always complicated in the sense that there’s not always a black or white answer. That’s why, for me, I always come back to the matter of trust.

      All I know is that I plan on following the rules of kindergarten. 😉

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