If You Chase Me, You’ll Never Catch Me

Image by Blue Images

After discovering I could get women to chase me, I’ve collected some priceless stories. But is that really how I want to talk about my future girlfriend or wife? With stories of how I got her to jump through all of my hoops?

Of course not. The kind of woman I want to spend the rest of my life with won’t jump through those hoops. She knows doing so won’t get me to pursue her.

Because if I am interested, I will pursue her.

If I am not, I won’t.

It sounds simple. But if everything in life was as simple as it sounded, birth control would be 100% effective, every person on the planet would be a master at parallel parking, and the girl knocking on the door to your Vegas hotel room would actually look like the girl on the card.

I allow myself to get chased because it is amusing, and my ego (among other things) always appreciates a good stroking. But when that special woman, with a twinkle in her eye and a deceivingly innocent smirk on her face, lets me know that I’m not going to catch her so easily, I take off after her while the other girls fade into the distance.

Image by James Warwick

There’s something about the chase that excites me. Maybe it’s the curiosity I have when we make eye contact for the first time. Maybe it’s the thrill I feel when I see her on that second date and have to imagine how sexy she must look beneath that dress. Maybe it’s the tension and anticipation I sense, knowing how badly we want to rip each other’s clothes off, but not knowing if we will reach that point.

Or maybe it’s the risk I take by making myself utterly vulnerable to her, because this chase is far from easy. She stays just outside my reach, subtly letting me know she wants me to catch her, but I have to try a little bit harder. She wants me to prove that I see the same value in her as she sees in herself. She won’t settle for less than the best, and the best does not give up until he has exhausted every possible effort to be with the woman he believes he deserves.

I used to think women should do some of the chasing, that we both need to “invest” the same amount of time and effort. I lived by that belief for three years after my last serious relationship, and of all the women who have done some of the “chasing,” not a single one has caused me to think, “wow, I want to be with her.

Three women come to mind:

I met Sara in a bar, and we hooked up that night. Two weeks later, she came over, and we hooked up again… just before I sent her home, so I could go downtown and party with my friends. She stuck around for the rest of the year. She was convenient, because if she was going to chase me with that kind of enthusiasm, I knew she wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon. Eventually, she did express interest in seeing me outside of the bedroom. That was the end of her.

I met Kelly when she was working. Later that week, I invited her over. She came over again every week for the next three months, rarely making an effort to get me to chase her. She simply showed up at my doorstep whenever my schedule allowed. She eventually stopped returning my calls and later told me she did so when she realized “we” weren’t going anywhere.

I met Hannah during a weekend trip to Hollywood. She was feisty, a trait I absolutely adore in women. I wanted her, and I was going to do whatever it took to get her. After a few weeks of trying to get her to open up, we hit it off. We spent hours on the phone every week for months. I had never clicked so well with someone. Then she came down to see me for the first time since we met. Suddenly, I felt she was into me more than I was into her. That feistiness was immediately replaced by a desire to chase me, instead of letting me chase her. It was over. I had won. And from then on, I became more and more complacent, until my feelings faded to purely platonic.

Sara, Kelly and Hannah all fell into the “If I am not, I won’t” category. When each of them made it clear that the chase was over, any interest I thought I had in them disappeared. If they had stopped chasing me, nothing would have been dragged out, unnecessary emotions would have never been involved, and the pain I know they felt would have been lessened.

It always feels good to be chased, but I understand now that it only feels good to my ego. On a deeper level, it’s not satisfying to know that I didn’t have to work for it, that the most time I had to invest to get a woman to chase me was the 30 seconds it took to introduce myself. To me, the most valuable things in life require hard work and a considerable investment of time.

Now, I’ll know what to do when that one special woman does rear her head.

Well, unless she already did

I met Ramona in Vegas. She had a fiery spirit I can’t draw myself away from. But, more than that, she had the nurturing maternal instinct that I fall for.

And I did. I fell hard.

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123 comments

  • Rick,

    As one of the few guys on this thread (or so it seems to me), I just want to say, I know exactly what you’re talking about. Exactly. And it really is painful to watch/experience. But I understand what others are saying – we need to be very careful to define what ‘chasing’ actually means. Because I agree, I am pushed away when a girl ‘chases’ me. And what ‘chases’ means is when she ignores the signals I am sending to back off and insists on a) initiating every conversation, b) initiating every email/text conversation, c) manipulating me into hanging out with her by asking way too often and in unfair ways.

    That’s what I mean by chasing anyway. I understand what so many of the ladies here are saying. It sounds like a no-win system, but I promise everyone here it is not a no-win situation. What I look for (for what its worth) is a woman who is confident, who can show interest (by reacting positively), but who doesn’t change her whole posture toward me and cling to my every word/moment of free time once our feelings are in the open.

    Just my thoughts. Thanks for writing the article and thanks everyone for the great comments.

    • Ty,

      I owe you a beer. I was trying to think of examples of chasing to explain it but you went right to the core and took the words out that were buried somewhere in my mind. I agree completely with what you said.

      Thank you for posting your comment, very much appreciated.

    • So when it’s the guy who initiates every convo, manipulates a girl into hanging out and ignores signals that she’s not interested it’s totally cool because he’s supposed to be chasing her?

    • Manipulation is never “totally cool”

      For me, ignoring signals comes with the territory of chasing in the beginning. On several occasions I’ve ignored those “signals that she’s not interested” in the first few weeks after meeting a woman only for her to open up and connect with me later on (Hannah falls into that category). I like to assume those signals are just her way of checking to see if I’m genuinely interested in her.

      On the other hand, if I ignore those signals and she doesn’t seem to warm up at all then I drop it, because it is NOT “totally cool” to chase someone who doesn’t want you to chase them.

  • It’s human nature, I think. We always want what we can’t have. The opposite of that is we don’t want anyone that wants us.

    Not always, but it happens. Once you can wake yourself up to this conundrum, you’ll find a mate worth keeping.

    Old Man

  • Nina (the author's little sister)

    It’s funny how when I read this, I never once thought negatively about what was being wrote. You’d think, being his sister – if what he was saying was at all derogative (spelling??) towards women, I’d be pissed and say something…but I don’t feel so stupid because every person on his facebook that’s commented on his facebook ab this article, doesn’t see it negatively either.

    Like the person commented before me, it’s human nature. Chasing is fun. Everyone at some point in their life has had their heart broken during a serious relationship and in turn retaliated on all of the opposite sex…It’s fear of hurt, not fear of commitment but fear of getting hurt, AGAIN!

    Seeing as I have known the author all 23 years of my life, I have seen his attitude towards women change, mature, grow, etc…I was there during his first serious long term relationship and saw how much it changed him into a better person and developed the amazing personality he has today but I also saw how much it damaged him. I totally understand why he sees relationships the way he does today, because I was the same way after my first heartbreak…

    All you people that are thinking negatively into this aren’t reading it the right way, but I guess as an outsider you don’t really know who you’re talking about so you don’t know the whole story and that’s not your fault. I read one comment earlier from a girl about how obviously girls dont like your personality and thats why relationships dont ever work. I can tell you right now that it has nothing to do with his personality, because he has an amazing personality and I’ll be the first to tell you he didn’t used to have one – he was a LOSER (no offense Ricky haha) and had no personality for YEARS until he broke out of his shell after heartbreak and lived the college life the way he needed to! The problem is not his personality, it goes back to his first long term relationship & then the first girl he gave in to after that heartbreak…

    I had to post this because alot of these comments are just ridiculous. My brother doesn’t “use” all women for sex… He may like sex with women, but what man doesn’t? Just because he doesn’t pursue a relationship with every woman that crosses his way, doesn’t make him a bad person. Im sure all of you people on here, married or in a relationnship or single, did at one point in your life chase after someone, make someone chase you, with or without intention of actually holding a relationship and I’m sure everyone has had their random hook ups…If you haven’t then you’re one of the few but that gives no room to judge and say te author doesn’t respect women..because he does, very much so..he just likes to have fun too! There’s nothing wrong with that!!

    Im sure Ill get lots of messages back to this but I had to put in my 2 cents because most of yall are just ridiculous with your ignorant comments….I bet more than half of yall that are saying rude things about this post, have in fact made someone chase you for the fun of it…or have ENJOYED chasing someone, just for the challenge and then ditching them when the fun was gone….

    love ya big brother!!

    • Nina you are too funny

      The person commenting above you

    • “because most of yall are just ridiculous with your ignorant comments….”

      You’re right…We were supposed to take every little thing in his life into account, even when it wasn’t mentioned, and form the same conclusion you did…Otherwise we’re ignorant and ridiculous.

      Good for you for caring so much about your brother…But really, your response was unnecessary and probably just made it a lot worse.

    • Thanks Nina. I do have a bit of an understanding of where everyone is coming from though. I’ve been told by more than a few women that read my blog that if they didn’t know me in person it would definitely cast me in a much more negative and much less humorous light. It’s something I know I need to work on.

      TheGnome,
      Technically any response is unnecessary, but I’m digging all of them. I want the feedback, good and bad. My sister is being my sister, I would ask for no less from her.

    • That’s just it, though. She’s your sister. She has a bias, and background information, and protectiveness of you that we don’t, and will not have. It’s silly to expect us to come to the same conclusion. It’s a “difference of opinion”, not “ignorance”.

    • That difference of opinion, however biased, has the potential to cause people to reconsider their initial thoughts, does it not? If her defense of me caused only one reader to give my future articles a chance, I’m happy with that.

    • Sorry, your sister coming in to defend you against an opinion she doesn’t like by INSULTING YOUR READERS isn’t going to make anyone reconsider anything, except possibly reading future articles by you. It’s one thing for people to be put off by your actual writing, it’s quite another for people to not bother with it because they can’t have a differing opinion without a relative of yours doing the internet equivalent of threatening to beat up those mean kids who aren’t being nice to you.

    • I understand. She did throw out a few insults. I guess me being her brother I just know what to look past. If I was in her shoes I would have done the same.

  • Okay, for the record, I actually disagree with Rick on this one (yes, it’s my blog, but to only post articles by people whose opinions I agree with would go contrary to the mission I set up for the site). Personally, I think both parties should do some of the pursuing.

    But, it’s because of this belief that I see where these girls are messing up. If Rick has shown no interest in a girl, but she’s showing up at his door in lingerie and making dinner, then I don’t blame him for, ahem, taking advantage of the situation. As long as he’s being perfectly clear that it’s just sex to him, then it’s up to her if she wants to keep pursuing him in the hopes of attaining something more.

    On the other hand, if Rick is interested at first, but loses said interest as soon as she starts showing her interest, then that’s a problem. Honestly, though, I’m not sure that that’s the case here. What I got out of his story about Hannah is that she seemed like the type of girl he’s into (i.e., aloof and, well, a tease and a game player), but that didn’t turn out to be the case, so he lost interest.

    Either way, Rick, I still believe the chase should be mutual. But, of course, you’re allowed to have your opinion.

    • Two points well made.

      I will admit that although I never make empty promises to these girls about our “future”, I also don’t come out and say I only see them as “casual dating partners”, if you will. Something I need to work on.

      I could have clarified the story with Hannah better, but you nailed it. In the beginning the way she acted and spoke attracted me to her. Once it appeared the feistiness and attitude was more of a front than part of her true personality I realized I was attracted to the Hannah I met, not the Hannah I was then with.

    • Ah, this post here puts a lot of this in perspective. It’s one thing to say you get bored because the chase is over and another thing to realize that who you were chasing wasn’t who you thought.

      I think more people can identify with coming to the harsh realization that the fun, quirky person they were interested in isn’t that person at all. I dunno, makes it easier for me to understand at any rate.

      Besides, I’m a friggin’ prude, take everything with salt.

    • I can see how someone might have trouble understanding it the way I presented it. I could have worded the explanation better.

  • To put it bluntly:

    You come across as a cocky douche in this article. But, as can be seen by previous comments, those people that know you don’t see that aspect of it at all. The problem seems to be that we, the readers, don’t know you. We have nothing to base your personality and viewpoints off of except for what you’ve given us in this article, which is very, very easily “misinterpreted” and casts you in a negative light. Unless you like all of the controversy and venom directed towards you after publishing articles like these (which isn’t sarcasm since, hey, you really might like it), I’d consider choosing the tone of the article very, very carefully in the future, or at least making sure that the cocky tone doesn’t skew the way the reader is interpreting the content.

    • But I will say that I appreciate your tone and attitude when replying to the comments. You’ve taken the heaps of criticism very well, and you seem to be comfortable and confident enough in yourself to let the cocky douche comments slide and not reply with equally bitter comments, which always takes a certain amount of maturity.

    • Nina (the author's little sister)

      My brother will be the first to tell you he’s cocky..He actually has a shirt that says “Id do me”…But it’s because of his past relationships and breaking out of his shell that he has developed this personality..There’s nothing wrong with being confident, which is how he is – he just chooses to portray it in a cocky way…But to be honest, it seems to attract the girls to him…Some girls like cocky guys..I don’t, it drives me nuts…but my brothers ways obviously attracts women sooo….who cares if he’s cocky, you girls aren’t the ones pursuing him so it doesn’t matter, right??

    • “who cares if he’s cocky, you girls aren’t the ones pursuing him so it doesn’t matter, right??”

      Not necessarily.

      And it wasn’t the cocky part I had a problem with, but when it’s coupled with the douche that it becomes irritating. Besides, all I was saying that in the future, if he wants to avoid criticism like this, he should make sure that the cockiness of his tone (which I’m not saying to get rid of) doesn’t conflict with the content of the article. As is, the article reads like it has a huge double standard and is somewhat sexist, which doesn’t seem to be his intention. Tonality changes and better wording in the future can help to alleviate those types of misunderstandings.

    • I try to tell him nobody likes a wise guy, but it hasn’t made an impression.

      Sarcasm and humor can be easily misconstrued on the interwebs — and it often is.

      Old Man

    • Julie,

      One of the reasons I’m looking forward to writing for Musings is to get more public feedback to make my writing more appealing. I don’t believe in trying to make everyone happy, but over the past few months I’ve had more and more people tell me if they didn’t know me in person my writing style would most definitely cast me in a negative light. It took a while to sink in, but I’m starting to see that myself.

      After working with Dennis on this first article I know I have a lot more progress to make, but I’m still new to the whole writing thing so I’m not too worried about making a few (or a ton) of mistakes here and there.

      Nina,

      Haha even my cocky attitude needs to be reigned in every now and then, but thank you again for the support 😉

      Dad,

      We both know words don’t make an impression on me. Peoples’ reactions and life experiences? maybe… but words? Not that I can remember 😉

    • Content of your article aside, I think you have the right attitude as an aspiring writer. Certainly better than others I’ve had to work with.

  • You crack me up….I can’t wait to see what your kids are like!

    Sorry for offending anyone, I was just stating my opinion. there’s more I could say to defend my views but its not worth it…I wasn’t trying to threaten anyone either…

    I love my brother and his personality even if he’s super cocky Haha

    Guess ill keep my comments to myself next time bc my brother is an amazing writer and deserves to have his stuff read. Even if it causes controversy, he sure knows how to capture an audience!

  • Dennis I take offense to that last remark.

  • Wow, the comments here have come (or regressed) a long way since I last checked them out! C’mon, people – can’t we express how an article makes us feel without stooping to personally insulting the author? It takes a LOT of guts to be completely honest when you write – especially if it’s about something that casts you in a negative light. His sister, while she stooped to the same negative insults as some of the others here, is right – we don’t “know” Rick, and therefore shouldn’t make assumptions about his entire character just based on this one piece.

    That said, I hope you’ve been able to see past a lot of the personal blows, Rick (and it seems like you have) and maybe are able to take in a little of what some of us were trying to get across, which is that maybe you should just be up-front about what you’re looking for (or NOT looking for, as the case may be) when you find yourself with a woman who chased you. Be up front with her about your feelings before you sleep with her, because while there certainly ARE women out there who love sex just for sex, the girls who have to chase after it are usually the ones looking for more than just sex (but have low self esteem and are using it as a way to potentially hook a guy).

    Make sense?

    O’Doyle rules!

    • I will definitely start being more up-front about what I’m looking for… as soon as I get to Vegas next week 😉

      On a serious note, it does make sense, Katie, and I can see in my head where I went wrong in thinking the women I’ve dated would just assume I’m only looking for something casual. I relied too much on my actions to convey that message.

  • Whew!!! After reading about half of the comments, my eyes glazed over. Some of us are into the thrill of the “new” and others of us are into the comfort of the “familiar”. When those two things get confused one for the other, people get hurt. When we’re all on the same page, things move along as they should. Having said that, IMHO, one should be aware of and upfront about his or her intentions and tell the truth about what he or she really wants. Sadly, life doesn’t prepare us adequately for this kind of honesty because in order to tell the truth, one must KNOW the truth about ones self and be willing to share it. I have a lady friend who desperately wants a relationship and is willing to make all kinds of concessions to get it. It never works out for any length of time since she loses interest once her objective is met. It seems the objective isn’t a long term, wonderful relationship but rather the initial conquest. The problem is that she really believes she wants the relationship but observation says not. Having opened that can of worms, I can only say that the unconscious is far stronger than the conscious and if you aren’t getting what you think you want, then it’s time to examine what you’re actually getting and go from there to discover your motivation. Most of us would rather justify our shortcomings than really examine our heart of hearts.

    • Thanks for the comment, Terry, and I completely agree with your thoughts on the unconscious vs conscious and examining our heart of hearts. If there’s one thing I know it’s that I’m constantly changing and developing and what might satisfy me one day might not the next, but to understand that I must constantly re-examine myself and what makes me happy.

  • I hope you’ve matured, or re trying… you are a man; these are the thoughts and actions of a child.

    • Depends on your definition of maturity, and I’m not really sure what you’re referring to when you say “thoughts and actions.”

    • I refer to the insensitivity that you so proudly display, the conceit that must be evident to think that you have right to run through women like produce in a supermarket, groping and squeezing them as you see it. they are people, not subjects in some experiment to determine who Ms. Right Now is. You sould just remain alone until such time as those aspects of your personality mature.

    • The insensetivity/conceit/cockiness/douchebaggery is just part of my writing style. I’m not going to say anymore than that because I don’t want to try and defend myself, but I wrote this piece the way I did to contrast it with the second part.

  • Even if he was upfront with women why should he have to change his mind and settle for a woman he wasn’t interested in to begin with or anymore? Why should a guy settle for a woman that doesn’t respect themself?

  • Women get away with non violent stalking more than men do (because men don’t report it unless it is violent, where women report all kinds). Guys put up with it because it helps boasts our ego when we feel wanted in any form. I personally find pathetic women who can’t take a hint to be very hilarious and put themselves in bad situations. I don’t lack empathy for good women who respect themselves and are smart enough to get the hint. Just like the book “he’s not that into you.”

  • Your the man Ricky! I hope you find a woman with a self esteem, with a personality without a fake persona.

  • I read a whole lot of this blog (blah, boring desk jobs, but I just read blogs all day and am still getting paid, so the little things, right?) and this is the only post I felt compelled to not only read all the comments but to also add my own. The entire debate struck a chord with me because I think it goes straight to the heart of why dating sometimes does feel like war. And, honestly, I think there’s some truth to “all’s fair…”.

    Before anyone leaps on me, let me explain. Obviously all is not fair. Just as there are war crimes and criminals there are definite dating/relationship ethics and those people who violate said moral code. But in both love and war there is a substantial murky area where it’s difficult to draw the line between devastation justified by necessity and that which can be considered truly heinous. Point of view also has a big influence on where the line is drawn: any victim will probably give a harsher evaluation of the situation.

    So back to “justified by necessity”. No one should argue that to achieve military victory it is essential to be self-interested. I think to achieve success in dating, which I (pretty romantically) would define as finding someone who makes you happy to share your life with, you also need to be self-interested. Not a selfish prick, but self-interested definitely – in that I think Rick is perfectly within his rights to recognize that he doesn’t fall for girls who impress him as having insecurity issues.

    I’m not sure if I made a bigger point than “love (or at least dating) is kind of war”, but OMGGGGG it’s 5 I’m out.

    • Well, said, Lisa. I think that ultimately, we all need to realize that everyone always acts selfishly on some level and that isn’t anything necessarily wrong with that. It’s simply our natural behavior.

      Thanks for commenting!

    • Well, first I’d like to say I’m flattered my post was the one to compel you to comment, and props to you for reading all the comments.

      Second, I wholeheartedly agree with your sentiments on being self-interested when it comes to dating as well as your remark, Dennis, about everyone ultimately acting selfishly and that NOTHING is wrong with that.

      Do what makes YOU happy. It’s the only life you have… as far as I know 😉

  • Doing what makes you happy is one thing. Doing so at the deliberate expense of others in another. According to the article, as well as you unapologetic attitude during these comments, you fit in the latter category.

    Another thing: just because “everyone” does something does not make that thing right.

  • Ok, I’m back at the desk and I wanted to make one more point. Some of the comments took a very defensive “didn’t you ever think that these women were just using YOU for sex??” approach. I get it, but I hate that defense. First of all, it feels terrible to be used for sex, and no one should do it. Second, why would we women, so wonderfully lacking in the testosterone that can turn even our sweetest guy friend into a prowling man-beast once the club music gets going and the biddies roll in half-dressed, decide to co-opt that ugly aspect of being a man?

    I used to subscribe to the theory that if you can use a guy purely for sex you are somehow an ideally empowered and liberated woman. In my personal experience, it isn’t true. You can’t out-man a man when it comes to sexual detachment. Unless you’re Samantha, and even she is almost a caricature of herself – not to mention fictional.

    When I still thought I was empowering myself by summoning that drunk frat boy to my bedside at 3AM, I was miserable. The impulse to keep texting or drunk dialing a guy who didn’t feel the need to win my affections in any meaningful way, besides just being generally manly and awesome, always came from my own feelings of inadequacy. When confronted with someone super cool, super hot, or in whatever way more awesome than we think we are ourselves, I think it’s a common reaction to hide our real personality out of fear of not measuring up. Women, however, can then easily resort to using boobs and other things to win a man’s attention. At least then he’s interested in something, right? It’s an awful perpetuating cycle of self-deprecation. I think as women we can also feel like if we just play it right, and be that fantasy girl, he’d be crazy not to stick around (ahem, cooking dinner in lingerie). Also self-deprecating, and kind of degrading. Do that with someone who you know already loves you, not to prove yourself.

    Back to my point: I know women do it but I am very skeptical of a woman who claims to be using someone for sex. Whether it’s true or a defense mechanism, to say you are “using someone” for anything is just sleazy and distasteful.

    And hi, Dennis, thanks for the welcome! I like what you’re doing here. I think I opened the floodgates on blogs and may well be addicted.

    • Well, I’m an evolutionary biologist, so I like to frame human behavior in terms of how they evolved and what they were originally intended for (check out my monogamy article for an example).

      Although a lot of social scientists today like to belittle our evolutionary origins, the bottom line is that four million years of conditioning are difficult to set aside.

      For thousands–if not hundreds of thousands–of years now, the dynamic between males and females has been that males are aggressive and pursue, while females are selective and choose. To try to twist that dynamic today in the name of equal rights between the sexes is, in my opinion, going against many of our most basic instincts.

      Of course, there’s nothing wrong per se with going against our basic instincts. It’s just harder than we think, and it can really mess with us psychologically if we do. So, we have to be wary of that.

  • I think there are two takeaways here:

    Life is a learning process that never ends — for both sexes

    People are different and have different motivating factors for their actions. We can only do what we think is right. It’s not up to anyone else to tell us what’s “right.”

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  • I am a girl.
    I totally agree with what the article implies.
    I think Rick has a fairly good understanding of the art of seduction, which makes the relationships special and fun.

  • RICKY- YOU ARE SO SMART!!!! I found your frank accuracy such the breath of fresh air. Dont even respond to or acknowledge these ignorant commenters. Ignore them into oblivion. And thank you, i really enjoyed the article.

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