Are You Annoying?
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Author’s note: This is not an example of my best work (and believe me, I’ve written some clunkers over the years). In fact, this is an example of probably my worst work. Over the past few years now, I’ve struggled with what to do with this post. I decided that quietly hiding it doesn’t hold me accountable, so instead, I’m leaving it up with this note and a vow that I can and will do better.
Have you ever wondered if other people think you’re annoying?
We humans have this innate desire to classify things. We like to pigeonhole each other and make snap judgments. We segregate into extroverts versus introverts. Right-brains versus left-brains. Movers versus shakers, crazy-haha versus crazy-cuckoo, innies versus outies, prongs versus sockets. We have Rorschachs and Kierseys and Meyers and countless ways to catalog each other. Even online dating sites have started pinning their matches on personality typecasting.
I, for one, am concerned that the Stereotype Express is about to barrel itself over a cliff, sending us all to a fiery, prejudiced death. Of course, I still want to hop aboard. So I am hereby announcing my own system of human classification to the world. I call it the Dennis Hong Annoyance Scale (DHAS). Using this ingenious assessment, we can now quantify how annoying people are based on two simple factors: how hot they are, and how hot they think they are.
Categorically, the DHAS breaks people down into four broad types:
- You’re hot, and you think you’re hot.
- You’re hot, but you think you’re not hot.
- You’re not hot, and you think you’re not hot.
- You’re not hot, but you think you’re hot.
Each type occupies a different segment of the annoyance scale, as summarized below:
Type 1: You’re kind of annoying, but people simply have to tolerate you. Because you’re hot. If hotness were asteroids, you made dinosaurs go extinct. You’re so hot, ceiling sprinklers go off when you step into the room. But, of course, you know that. Still, what can we do? You know we want you. And we do. You know you’ll get anything you want from us. And you will. Why? Because you’re just that hot.
Type 2: You’re not annoying at all. In fact, you make a great girlfriend (or boyfriend). Why? Because you appreciate your significant other, and you will never think you’re too good for them. If anything, you wonder what they’re doing with you. In extreme cases, your low self-image can become troublesome. But, as long as we’ve sleuthed the appropriate answer to, “do these jeans make me look fat?” (“no, babe, you look ravishing in them”), you’re completely tolerable. Within reason then, your unassuming nature is attractive.
Type 3: You’re only somewhat annoying. Although people may not think you’re all that hot, you’re aware of your own shortcomings, and that gives you the chance to fix them. As with the Type 2, your low self-esteem can sometimes encumber you. But, as long as you use your realistic self-image to improve yourself in healthy ways, instead of wallowing in your own personal pity party or embarking down a path of self-destructive habits, there’s hope for you yet. In this respect, your attitude actually makes you hotter, and you tend to grow on people.
Type 4: Well, let’s just lay it on the line. You are…. Annoying. You’re the type we see on Jerry Springer. He once had an episode titled, “You’re too fat to strip.” I kid you not. You are utterly conceited and abominably clueless. When members of the opposite sex gawk, you think they lust. When members of the same sex point, you think they envy. You’re the one in the overstretched halter, your explosive muffin top undulating with each beat while you gyrate to Pussycat Dolls, asking—nay, demanding—that “you want some of this.” Worse yet, you have no hope of ever actually becoming hot. Why? Because you think you’re already there. You are the grandest grand delusionist.
So, have you determined which type you are? Because, in case you haven’t figured it out, this isn’t actually a story of how hot or how annoying you are. It’s a story of self-awareness. Why is the Type 4 annoying? Because the Type 4 lacks self-awareness.
We all have room to improve, whether physically, emotionally, socially, intellectually, or by any of a host of traits that we can ascribe to human beings. Of course, the only way we can improve is if we are aware of our own shortcomings.
If we’re atrociously repulsive, but believe we’re hot, will we ever be able to make ourselves attractive? Not until we realize how atrociously repulsive we are.
What if we’re hot, but don’t think too much of ourselves? At worst, we suffer from low self-esteem (which, granted, opens up a host of valid concerns that lie outside the scope of this non-dissertational article). At best, our perfectionist attitude drives us to keep working on our perceived shortcomings.
With respect to self-awareness, we’re always better off being too critical than not critical enough. Why? Because we will never get complacent with ourselves.
So, if you think you have it all together, if you believe there’s no room left for you to grow or to change, I ask that you take a good look at yourself in the mirror, literally or figuratively. Then ponder this:
Are you really as hot as you think you are?
Well, Dennis, another unique article. The catch-22 here is, how can one classify him/herself because if you think you are for example, a type 2, then you just put yourself automatically into a 1,3 or a 4 depending on where you are hot or not in actuality, because you have to assume that you are hot (or not) so you can even make that decision. I couldn’t say whether I belong in the 2 or the 3 because saying I was a 2 would presume that I actually did think I was hot, therefore I am now actually a 1, but I could actually be only a 3, because I really don’t know. Maybe this is because I have in the past (moved past a lot of them recently, thankfully) a lot of self esteem issues, but personally, though, I agree with you that humility is attractive and EVERYONE could ALWAYS find something to improve about themselves, so those who think they are great as is really do need to take a look in the proverbial mirror. For example, if you are an average height female who weighs 180+ pounds and you think you are not fat, please go to therapy! Come on now! I mean, I am ALL ABOUT the Oprah way of thinking that we need to love ourselves and think we are beautiful, but a reality check is NEVER a bad thing.
Brilliant! I love it!
On the other hand, ignorance is bliss. I’ve known some fat, bald guys with the guts and self-confidence to woo some pretty attractive and interesting women. Maybe fat gyrating women aren’t your type Dennis, but they may be someone else’s. I think that self-confidence is beautiful and that underneath that gyrating fat woman who knows how to have a good time, because she’s not too busy caring about what you think, may be a wonderful, intelligent, loving, fun-in-the-sack woman. Is this article really about self-awareness or making others feel bad about their physical flaws and priorities? This attitude that everyone should strive to meet society’s standards of perfection leads to dangerous plastic surgery, graceless aging as people try to defy time and nature, and an increase in insecurities in women. Attitudes like yours drive teenage girls to eating disorders and depression. Personally, I embrace the physical differences in people and have no desire to turn women into Stepford Wives or men into Ken dolls and Brad Pitts. I say gyrate on girl and have a good time, don’t let anyone’s criticism stop you from having your fun. Dance and be free. Beauty comes from the inside.
No, Meg, it’s about self-awareness.
And Sara, yeah, good point. I guess the DHAS can’t be self-administered then. 🙂
I don’t think there is anything wrong with bald, fat, guys, nor gyrating girls who wear halter tops to accentuate their back fat, but what I don’t like is when they turn around and have perfect expectations of who they would like to be with. I had a guy who was too skinny, buck toothed,and misunderstood, and I adored him anyway and he several times told me, I wasn’t what he wanted because I was too chubby, he wanted someone in shape. WTF?!?!?
I have to say that I took what Dennis was saying as the type of person I just described, but maybe I am just not critical enough to see that Dennis has standards and if my muffin top is showin’ (which living in Alaska made it more prominent, mmmmm Hammer and Wikkan pastries…Daily.) and I am looking like I could care less (which I really do care) then I am annoying. So which one is it Dennis?
Traci,
It’s not whether or not you have a muffin top that makes you annoying. It’s whether or not you’re aware of your muffin top that makes you annoying.
If you have a muffin top, and you know it, clap your hands…. Wait, sorry, wrong song. Okay, let’s try again. If you have a muffin top, and you know it… you can either be okay with it (which some people choose to be), or you can do something to try to work it off. Either way, it’s your body and your choice.
If, however, you have an overflowing muffin top, but you go flapping it around in a tiny outfit because you don’t even realize you have an overflowing muffin top and you think you actually look hot, then… yes, you are annoying.
It’s not an issue of confidence. It’s an issue of false (or faked) confidence.
ha ha ha You are the most, Dennis…Seriously. I love this.
*Clap Clap* ha ha ha ha
I personally loved a girl in college who had a belly. She showed it, loved it, and it made me love it too. I think that if a girl is aware of her body and loves it even with it’s imperfections- now that’s beauty!
No complaints here. I don’t know where Meg got the notion that I want everyone to have perfect bodies.
If you’re okay with your imperfections, more power to ya…. As long as you’re aware of them. 🙂
Fair enough
This article is why people watch the “bad auditions” portion of American Idol. We love to see 4’s crash and burn.
Dennis, I wrote this piece last year in response to this article. It hasn’t seen the light of day, but I think all the girls who’ve ever felt like the ugly girl could use it: http://writerwithani.wordpress.com/2011/01/07/ugly-isnt-an-accident/
Good article, definitely worth checking.
Hadn’t seen the light of day until now. Me and my typos.
Brilliant article Mr. Hong, funny as hell, and making a darn good point (though perhaps a little too subtle for some of the commenters…)! 🙂
Thanks again. Glad you liked it!