Top Ten Guy’s Worst Nightmares

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Ladies, if you could somehow peer into the mind of the average adult male and view his mental machinations, what do you think you would you see?

I’ll give you the answer in two simple words: hot chicks.

Hey, I admit it. Fantasies of hot chicks occupy a disproportionately large segment of our brain reserves. (Actually, chicks of pretty much every variety abound in our heads.) But it’s not all bubble baths and bikinis up in there. Accompanying these fantasies are plenty of nightmares, too! Nightmares of humiliating missteps, devastating failures, and worst-case scenarios. Nightmares that go something like these:

10. Smoothly chatting up a group of hot chicks while waiting in line at a club, only to be denied entry by the bouncer.

9. Getting shot down by a hot chick and having to make the death march back to our buddies, all of whom witnessed the shoot-down in its gruesome entirety.

8. Attempting to get in a hot chick’s pants by buying her shots and getting her drunk, only to end up puking in the men’s room after she out-drinks our pansy asses.

7. Getting hit on by the hottest chick at a club… while our girlfriend’s in the restroom. (I call this one Sophie’s Choice.)

6. Getting hit on by the hottest chick at a club while our girlfriend’s at home, and actually having the willpower to remain faithful, but then having our girlfriend dump us a few days later for unrelated reasons.

5. Flirting with a hot chick we believe to be single, only to have her 300-pound biker boyfriend (or even more humiliatingly, her 160-pound biker girlfriend) show up and beat the living daylights out of us.

4. Eagerly checking out a pic of a hot chick that a coworker forwarded us, only to realize it’s our sister (or worse, our mother).

3. Finally hooking up with the hot chick we’ve been lusting after for ages, only to… um, have our plumbing system fail us.

2. Finally hooking up with the hot chick we’ve been lusting after for ages, and finding our plumbing in perfect working condition, only to be told, “oh sweety, it’s okay. It happens to every guy.”

And the Number One guy’s worst nightmare involving hot chicks:

1. Hooking up with a hot chick, only to realize that the hot chick used to be—or still is—a dude.

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I am a relationships and comedy writer, which can be redundant or an oxymoron, depending on your perspective. I am the creator of Musings, the blog you're reading right now, and LemonVibe, an anonymous relationship advice site. You can also find me on Twitter (I am not the creator of Twitter).

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