Talk To Us: Have you ever been a victim of a sneak-a-date?
This time, the topic I want to write about is what my friend Kristin refers to as the sneak-a-date. Ladies, that’s when you meet a guy, and he asks you if you want to “hang out” sometime. Now, he never “officially” asks you out, so if you do hang out with him, you spend the whole night wondering if you’re on a date or not. If you happen to be interested in this guy, this is obviously a frustrating situation because you have no idea what his intentions are. On the other hand, if you’re NOT interested in him, this can be an equally frustrating situation because then you feel like he duped you into going out on a date with him. Anyway, the sneak-a-date is something that several people have mentioned to me recently, so I figured it might be interesting to strum up some discussion on this. To that end….
Ladies… something like this ever happen to you? Wanna share with us?
Guys… ever done something like this. Wanna tell us why?
Thanks in advance for your comments!
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Addendum: The product of this discussion can be found here.
Hey, now that I think about it, I’ve had it done to me, too! Okay, then, let’s be equal opportunity here:
Ladies… ever done this? Why?
And guys, ever had this done to you? How’d you respond?
this is SO frustrating, yes! Of course…I’m also guilty of sneaking a date from a guy I was interested in…so don’t presume this only goes one way…
To me, this is a pure semantic argument as to the definition of “date.” In my opinion, if either a guy or a girl wants to “hang out,” it’s a “date.” It may not be “dinner and a movie” or “dinner and drinks” or “coffee” or “drinks then hot tub,” but it’s still a “date.” There are no magic words to being asked on a “date.”
If it’s just the two of you, you’re on a “date.” Enjoy.
i have it done and have done it too…i don’t have a problem with it and here’s why…..i truely, honestly, like people…as friends or whatever. I’ve rarely had a crush at first sight–those things just build…and i don’t get all giddy crazy and wonder if it’s a date because i figured if it were that would be obvious…the “lets hang out” is in the acquaintance phase…this happens in all relationships.
In the past (when I wasn’t dating my current boyfriend) I would ask guys to hang out–go to street fairs, play sports, hang at the beach—they were activities i’d ask of girls too. I have no alteria motives. I truely just seek friendship and entertainment (being innocent here).
Now, on the other hand….I have had guys ask me to hang out and have later found it’s their insecure way of asking a girl out and making no commiment, cause they know girls go crazy of the idea of a date and don’t want the drama, so they keep it low key at first not wanting to excited the girl too much
Hey Noel – the difference between “date” and “not date” is whether there’s potential romantic interest. What if you want to just hang out platonically with someone of the opposite gender with whom you have NO romantic interest. You still call that dating?
It matters to me, because, while like Andrea said, sometimes romantic interest just builds mutually thru innocent hanging out, if there’s romantic interest, I’d prefer a guy (or girl) be up front about it and make their intentions clear!
all of this leads to the discussion of relationship status, because going out on a “date” certainly doesn’t mean you are “dating” or even “going out” (which of course is one phase of dating). one “date” isn’t the issue of course, its when you go out on multiple “dates” over a relatively short amount of time…. then its time for a talk. (right?)
I’m with the people who said this is not problematic. I’ve done it and had it done to me, and the “date” or “not a date” question usually sorts itself out pretty quickly (Here’s a breif test — Does he have his tongue down your throat at the end of the evening? Congratulations! You’ve just been on a date). Whether or not romantic intentions are mutual will become apparent.
Here’s the big caveat – you can’t hang out with someone in “friend” zone for months and months before you take a chance and make a move. Nothing sucks more than making a really good friend, finding out after a year that they wanted to get into your pants, not necessarily feeling the same way, and then feeling awkward and loosing said really good friend.
Thank you for the laugh Kathryn, I totally agree.
Noel, your answer seems to imply that a male and female can’t just be friends. I disagree. While I realize that this is rare, every once in awhile you actually stumble across a member of the opposite sex to whom you are not physically attracted – and who is truly not attracted to you, but with whom you enjoy spending time.
The question assumed that there was romantic interest involved, be it mutual or unilateral.
It depends on the situation. What did he ask the girl to do? How did he ask? When did he ask? What was his body language, tone of voice? Did he ask in front of his friends? I can think of several examples in which the answer would alter depending on the environment.
Anytime someone has done this to me I’ve always responded with some supremely eloquent retort like, “is this a date?”
Ha ha, I can’t remember which one of us gals coined the sneak-a-date phrase, but I certainly remember complaining about them with Kristin.
The cruel thing is that there’s no graceful way out. What are you supposed to do, just pause mid-dinner and say “Umm, it seems you may or may not be interested in ending this evening naked, and if so I’d like to point out that I have absolutely no intention of derobing for you, but if not please continue enjoying your pasta?”
Have I had this done to me? Well, let’s see. There was this guy Brandon that kept saying to me, “hey, we should hang out sometime” but I was suspicious that he was doing the sneak-a-date thing to me, so I kept putting him off, saying I was too busy (actually true- I was rehearsing and performing in a show at the time). It was actually nice that he wasn’t coming out asking me on a date, so I didn’t feel I had to have the “i am not interested in you that way” conversation.
Then, one day Brandon says to me “hey, you are off at 4:30 on thursday, right?” and I say “yes” and he says “great, we’re going out.” I fell right into his trap! I couldn’t get out of it, and now he was being mildly more clear that this was a date, not a hang out. Of course, he was still this close to ending in the friend box permanently, because once he finally got me to “hang out” it took him 5 more nights of “hanging out” (consisting of seeing plays, going to parties, the street fair, cocktails, etc.) before
…he finally kissed me. Oh, and 2 years later we got married. so I suppose the sneak-a-date has proven to work for a non committal non confrontational way to test drive a date without having to actually put yourself out there for rejection.
Or did it?
I played hockey with a guy who was very friendly to everyone and he used to ask me to hang out a lot. It was never anything that you could blatantly call “a date.” More like carpooling to the rink, shopping for new equipment, hiking, etc. and often mutual friends were with us. To me, he was just a cool friend and I enjoyed his company. We were friends for quite some time. Then he asked me out and said that he had liked me from the start. When I said that I was sorry but didn’t feel that way, he said we were no longer friends. I felt upset and used – like our friendship was totally fake. And that’s my story…
The sneak-a-date is really just an audition. If you both like each other, great, you passed and you call it a date and maybe set another one. If you don’t click then it is merely a “meeting” and no one really gets hurt because, well, it didn’t count. And then it leads to the question…if you are frustrated because you don’t know, why don’t you just ask? It’s only awkward if you make it that way. I really think that the sneak-a-date or the “audition” is simply a way of protecting yourself or others…like the relationship police!
I love the stories! Katie, I think you were the first person I ever heard use the term “sneak-a-date.”
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